Tuesday, September 07, 2010

true love

i don't even know who yani is, much less nicky. and sometimes, i can't help but ask, if your name is written ahead of your partner's, does that mean you love the other person more than he loves you? plus, taking into account that this graffiti was carved on a bamboo tree planted on the grounds of chapel on a hill, is this declaration of love the kind that's undying? or is it something that one might come back to, years later, if only for the purpose of scratching out the other person's name.

ahhhh, love. either things get better, or things don't. there just isn't any middle ground.

last friday, a couple of friends and i facebook-stalked c's crush. on his public profile, he had an album labeled "god's gift" which contained around 20 or so pictures of him with the girl. i didn't know which was more kilig -- the fact that they always seemed so happy and in love in the pictures or that he called her god's gift. i mean, i wouldn't mind being called god's gift to someone (i might have been, you know, called that ... by a winning client. haha!), especially someone who was as cute and godly and *insert everything else seemingly positive here* as c's crush.

then again, i can't help but be reminded of the post-it i had placed on my bathroom mirror -- i'd rather be single than to be married to the wrong man. it's there to remind me every single day that while there might be times that i couldn't help but crave for a lifelong partner, a lifetime is also too long to be live with a mistake. the original post-it i had placed was actually snatched by a person i dated a year ago who, after reading it, said he "stole" it to put it in his wallet to remind himself every day that he wanted to be the right man for me. well, we all know how that ended, but i do hope that he'll be the right man to the girl he's dating now.

right about the same time, a friend wrote on her facebook wall that "a woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her." i copied the quote and tacked it to my office bulletin board, yet another reminder to me that the man i will marry has to be more in love with God than he is with me. after all, all i can threaten him with is a lifetime of regrets; God, on the other hand, will be dealing with him eternally.

am i anxious about my state in life? oh yes, most definitely. but i am more anxious about making a mistake. and as i move forward on another aspect of my life, i am resting my anxieties on this one on God. some things i can take charge of. some things i can even manipulate (with my puny will). but after a slew of heartaches, heartbreaks, and "what was i thinking?" moments, this time around, i'm taking the back seat.

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