Tuesday, June 29, 2010

yay for mini-holidays!


much apologies for the hazy picture. turns out i left my camera at home and i only had my camera phone to work with. plus, i wasn't really in the mood to take a better picture, sorry. it's past six already and i sorta just want to go home but i'm too lazy to make the walk to megamall yet, hence the delaying tactic also known as posting on one's blog.

it's going to be a *sort of* long weekend for us who work in pasig -- tomorrow's a holiday, thanks to P*noy's inauguration and friday's pasig day. thursday, boo, is sandwiched in between, but considering the number of stuff i have to work on, i am glad there's a thursday for me to accomplish all the stuff i have to accomplish before next week. good luck to me.

in the meantime:

☺ i was craving big time for subway yesterday afternoon, after my subway splurge on our way to nueva ecija last friday, and guess what greeted me at SM megamall -- P99 for sub of the day! happiness. the guy did ask though if i wanted the 6" or the 12" sub, which makes me think now, can i get a 12" sub for P99? i think i shall try later.

☺ tomorrow's going to be dapitan day for my lingkod action group. i've been wanting to go there for the longest time so major excitement on my part. i am excited over the little (and big) treasures that we'll find over there. goody! i just hope i wake up really early tomorrow.

☺ i am super inspired by chez larsson, a home designing blog about a working woman. sigh. i can't imagine working and having a house as lovely as hers -- especially since mine is virtually a dump. resolution: i shall save money and get my home fixed. this morning's witness, it just struck me, works in the home construction business. hmmm... bathroom re-tiling? cabinet installation? repainting? sky's the limit! ... except my budget that is.

☺ i still miss my mom a LOT these days, especially when i see little things around the house that remind me of her, but i've sort of gotten used to the routine once more. the neighborhood helpers were congregating in front of our house when i got home last night (for reasons that don't make sense to me) and they asked if mama has left already. i guess they missed the bazillions of things my mom gave away (which, had it been me, would've been sold at a price. hehehe!)

☺ this shall be all for now. don't miss me too much!

hugs and kisses,

me.

Monday, June 28, 2010

pwede sana kitang mahalin, kundi ka lang sana isang closet jejemon

mahal kong j,

hindi ko malilimutan ang unang beses na narinig ko ang tungkol sa iyo. nasa opisina ako, nag-re-research sa lex libris nang biglang tumunog ang aking telepono at nakita kong tinatawagan ako ng boss ko.

sa loob ng ilang segundo bago ko sagutin ang telepono, maraming dumaan sa aking isipan, isa na doon ang tanong kung bakit ako tinatawagan ng boss ko gayong nasa estados unidos siya at nagbabakasyon. yun pala, may gusto lang siyang itanong -- okay lang daw ba sa akin i-set-up sa pamangkin nung kaibigan niya.

aba, bakit hindi po, ang sagot ko. hindi na ako nag-isip, siyempre. hindi ito dahil desperado ako (kahit na totoo ito minsan) ngunit dahil boss ko ang nagtatanong. mahal ko ang trabaho ko -- pag nagtanong, malamang oo ang parating sagot ko.

ngunit dahil nasa ibayong dagat ka at nandito ako sa pilipinas, inisip ko, malabong mangyari ang set-up. pero, ganun pa man, ni-research kita sa google. ako pa. magaling ako mag-stalk sa google. itanong mo pa kay tita mayu. marami kaming nahanap na katotohanan (o, more accurately, pruweba ng kasinungalingan) dahil sa aking google stalking/researching skills. at wag ka, nakakita ako ng letrato mo. ayan ... patas na tayo, alam ko na ang itsura mo.

makalipas ang ilang taon -- ang ilang taong mistulang panliligaw ng iyong tiyuhin upang bigyan kita ng "chance" -- ay nagkita na tayo. nagulat ako sa aking sarili sapagkat natuwa akong kausap ka. medyo nahirapan man akong mag-inggles ng ilang oras, masaya ka kwentuhan ng mga bagay-bagay, kasama na dito ang aking adiksyon sa hamburger helper at ang aking pangarap makapunta sa black friday sale. nagulat din ako sa aking sarili nang sumama ako sa iyong pamilya nung iyong huling araw dito sa pinas. nabuyo man ako ng sobrang daming kantiyaw, okay na. at least narating ko ang mt. samat at las casas filipinas.

ngayon, sa email na lang tayo nag-uusap. naiinis man ako dahil masyado kang madalang mag-email, okay na din. kasi, kahit gaano akong natutuwa kausap ka sa totoong buhay, hindi ko alam na kahit lumaki ka sa US at hindi na maaaring tawaging bagets, ay may bahid ka ng pagka-jejemon.

hmph.

sumasaiyo,

Friday, June 25, 2010

random short notes

♥ when the box arrived, along came a giant tub with 300 pieces of king leo peppermints. now, while i'm a fan of anything mint chocolate, i've never really been a fan of mint candies (think stork ...) ... until these came along. they're "soft" candies, meaning you can easily bit into them, also meaning you get to consume humongous amounts of these mints in a very, very short time. i've left a 100 pieces with tita mayu and she's equally addicted to them. i'd hate to think what'll happen when i run out of these yummy candies.

♥ i've been following decor8's links to a whole lot of other interior design sites and i'm particularly enamored by all the various places where these links have led me too. *sigh* there are bazillions of creative people out there, working from their homes, selling stuff online, and i can't help but be in awe of what they can do. interested? click here, here, and here. i am especially impressed by little brown pen's photographs, how bright all the colors are, without looking cartoony. i wish i could take pictures half as beautiful.

♥ time has come for me to pay my share of the KL tickets + hotel room we booked using a friend's credit card. i'm excited over that trip, but after i pay for that, and after i set aside money for vietnam expenses (boo to travel tax + terminal fees, and yay to shopping money, and wondering still how much hotels will cost us), i am wondering how to raise money for KL shopping!!!

♥ that said, i really must kill all mini shopping spree splurges. if i set aside money last year to buy a work wardrobe, this year, i think most of my money will go towards traveling. i must admit traveling is infinitely much more exciting than shopping, then again, i might be kidding myself cause traveling simply means that i have to ride a plane to do my shopping -- which is sort of what happened to me in Hong Kong. let's just say i am so glad i don't have a credit card.

♥ since i need moolah, i really must find a way to accept that sideline and pray, pray, pray to the high heavens that i get a lot of students so that my salary will be much bigger than usual. i get paid depending on the number of students. but before i pray for that, i must get my schedule fixed ... so far, no solution yet. boo.

♥ going to cabanatuan for the weekend ... a friend is going to her friend's wedding and i was supposed to drive for her except her car isn't out of the repair shop yet and i don't want to drive mine out too far until after i've brought it to the casa for its repairs. it's been almost a year since the last (my bad) and i must take care of it more now since it is already seven years old.

♥ going to dapitan on wednesday, a holiday. i just hope that (1) it doesn't rain and (2) i am able to restrain myself from buying a whole lot of kitschy stuff. you see, i like kitschy.

♥ happy weekend everyone. much love!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

normal life

for the longest time -- i think beginning may 4 after i finalized the disney booking -- my calendar was on this page.

forget the fact that i had stuff a lot of stuff on my plate last may. my eyes were set on june 4, when my mom would finally be home for vacation after almost 8 years away, and june 13, when we'd be off to our disney vacation.

then june 4 came ... and after that june 13 ... and all too soon, it was june 21 and i had to bring my mom to the airport to say goodbye, and once more my life was, needless to say, back to normal.

next week it'll be july and i can't believe that june is just six days away from being done and over with. and what have i done with it, really? for one, i've stopped injections since may so forget about the red boxes marking june 8 and 22 -- nothing much really happened on those days unless you consider important the fact that on june 8 i brought my mom with me to S&R to taste my favorite pizza and she said it tasted exactly like costco (something which, from the tone of her voice, she doesn't exactly enjoy) and that on june 22 -- just a couple of days ago -- i was mad rushing to finish a pleading i didn't exactly have 100% faith in.

oh, for things bright and exciting to once more happen in my life.

on a totally unrelated note -- don't you just hate scheduling conflicts? see, june 26 would've been my first weekend "free" in the sense that mama would have returned to the US by then ... so i scheduled a dinner with ua&p friends only to find out later that the thing i had said yes to -- going with a friend to cabanatuan -- was happening on the exact same day. two days ago, someone invited me to a leadership training on the same date, and yesterday, i received a text message asking me if i wanted to join tuloy's version of amazing race on, guess what, june 26.

same thing with july -- my raket asked if i'd be free to do lectures on the 24th and 31st of july, but i said, can we move it to the 7th of august since lingkod alabang has an activity on the 24th. they asked again if i could reconsider as something was scheduled for the 7th and it was only then that i *stupidly* realized i'd be out of the country that saturday. boo.

come to think of it, maybe it still isn't normal life for me.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

good times

remember when i wrote about my calaguas escapade here?

well, if you want to read more about the lovely place (and a more positive post than the one i wrote), go here.

he's the reason why a number of us went to the island in the first place ... and probably the reason why i foresee more "adventure type" mini-vacations for me in the future. the way he enjoys traveling is just inspiring, and i hope that one day, i too shall enjoy backpacking and the like when it comes to vacations, and not just living the hotel life.

p.s. okay, yet another reason why i want you to hop over is that he posted a really nice picture of me on the island that i want you all to see. but, then again, if you're too lazy to jump over there, here's the pic:


hindi naman kasi ako mahirap kausap. he he he.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

career change, anyone?



i woke up this morning and i can't believe that a little more than three years after achieving that one thing i had been working so hard to achieve since the beginning of this decade, i wanted out.

i thought, what if i just pursued my previous career as a pre-school teacher? or what about special education so that i can move abroad to be with my parents?

and, oh, while this may embarrass me to death considering that i had said to a room full of people, as well as incurred the wrath of a good friend, i am tired of being a "real lawyer" and i want, at the very least, to go back to work in the court of appeals.

oh, the folly of me when i first made the plunge to work for a law firm. i was excited over not wearing a uniform. i was excited over the fact that i had my own tiny office, a secretary (who never gets me coffee anyway), and a computer that i didn't bring from home. i was elated over the fact that i never had to carry an umbrella for anyone ever again, except to shield myself from the rain when absolutely needed. i was jumping for joy over the fact that i could finally be the very thing that i've always thought i would become -- a real lawyer.

and yet these days i drag myself out of bed just to make it to work. i rarely get excited over a case anymore -- it has turned into something that pays the bills, pays for the stuff i find fun and exciting, like travel, like shopping, like eating.

i remember an MCLE lecture by Atty. Te, and how he shared this story of his friend who hated every bit of lawyering and actually took a year-long break from being a lawyer to do every single thing he wanted to do. when he came back, he was refreshed, and realized that he will do good in what he does -- lawyering -- because it will allow him to do the things that bring him great joy. maybe i ought to do that too. maybe i'm just in a rut, and i need to break away from this and be okay once more. but i've just come back from a vacation, and all the more, i can't help but question the decisions i've made that has brought me to where i am right now.

Monday, June 21, 2010

would you rather be leaving or be the one left behind?


as i write this post, my mom's probably boarding the plane that will take her to korea, then eventually to the US. she'll be back with my dad, back to her normal life. at home, i've remnants of my mom's vacation: a half-eaten brazo de mercedes from goldilocks, half a jumbo siopao from kowloon, the slippers i lent her while she was here, the toiletries she left behind. the last time she was here was almost eight years ago, who knows when the next vacation will be.

as my mom travels halfway across the world, i bet she'll be in tears. i know she'd rather be in the philippines with my brother and me, but at the same time, i think she also knows that life has changed so much for all of us. i feel guilty for reminding her of the fact that she's on vacation - real life would mean that my brother and i might be too busy with our respective lives to spend as much time as we did with her while she was here. i also don't know if she can cope with third-world living: the daily traffic, the impossible commute, and the general difficulty of life. but i do understand also why she doesn't want to go back -- she kept telling us that life in the US, unless you're very lucky and migrated there so young, isn't the bed of roses we filipinos think it is. they work hard, and they work long. each balikbayan box they send is the result of hours of work, and hours spent shopping to fulfill our wants instead of sleeping. she told us stories of shoveling snow, and how hard it is to get to work on certain days.

she has almost a day of travel to go back to her real life. me, i had to deal with the transition by a mere "drop-off" at the airport. after we unloaded her bags from my car and i saw her enter the terminal, that was it -- i was back to real life, on my way to work just a wee bit later than usual, and coping with the many things that she left behind. my mom, hopefully, by going halfway across the world to the place she now calls home, will have sufficient time to adjust, and when she gets back there, she has pasalubongs to distribute, pictures to show, stories to tell.

to a certain extent, i'm jealous. her two-week vacation had so changed our lives that it'll be difficult to go back to normal once more. once more, we were left behind, reminded of the fact that i was too old to make the 21-year-old cut-off when her petition arrived.

maybe i won't consume that brazo yet -- make it last until its expiry date to remind me of the last evening we spent together. there's half a loaf of bread too that i got her but she didn't finish eating -- i'll be having that for breakfast this week. her coco jam -- something i almost abhor -- i'll eat cause it'll remind me of the day i bought her groceries for the first time.

things were tough when she was here. but i think things are tougher now that she's left once more.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

yet another sun cellular hate post



i think i've mentioned before how sun cellular and i go way back. i think it was sometime in december 2003, at one of those bazaars, when i signed up for sun cellular's i-text 250.

this was before call and text all you can.

this was before half of metro manila had a second cellular phone.

at that time, all i wanted was an alternative to my globe line which was giving my wallet a heartache each and every single time the bill arrived.

over the years, i've given up my globe line, switched to smart prepaid, then gave up prepaid lines for a while, then once more got a globe prepaid when they started offering the unlitxt promo, then switched globe prepaid numbers because of a phone stalker. one thing, however, has remained constant: my sun cellular phone line.

and, no matter how many loyalty promotions and what not they offer, i always choose not to avail of the promo since that would mean giving up my itext 250 plan, which i love to bits.

i don't mind the lack of signal whenever i head out of town - i lost my signal at the bee farm in bohol, at certain places in palawan, in calaguas, camarines norte - or even when i'm in my room at home. i think i've learned to live with the fact that no matter what phone i use, my sun cellular sim would never have a signal as strong as a smart sim.

i also didn't mind the fact that there are times when the bill would arrive late, and i wouldn't pay it cause it hasn't arrived yet, and then my line would be cut. after a while, i got to fix that problem and it never happened again.

as a matter of fact, i was so in love with sun that i even opted for their sun landline (which i paid so much money for but hardly got to use, again owing to billing problems) AND their sun broadband prepaid (which i paid P1,888 for but, again, hardly got to use, this time cause of signal problems).

i must however state for the record that once more, sun cellular has done me wrong.

a couple of days before we were supposed to leave for HK, i checked the sun cellular website for their roaming options. and, i was quite happy with it. i thought it was very informative.
it simply said that all i had to do was to call the sun hotline number and to update my account.

now, since i had paid my last bill in full, and the upcoming bill hasn't arrived yet, i thought i was good.

wrong.

i called the hotline number as i was in line at the check-in counter. turns out that since i had used my phone a wee bit more this month than in the months past, my unbilled charges were somewhere in the P800 range.

not bad, i thought, considering that my credit limit was P1,500.00.

apparently, that wasn't good enough for them -- i can only activate roaming if my unbilled and outstanding balance was below half of my credit limit.

now, where did they say that in the website?

even crazier was the fact that the person on the other end of the line -- who sounded as if i had waken him up from a gory dream -- told me to settle the bill that day so i can activate roaming. and, oh, he told me that after i had already mentioned to him that i was at the airport already.

boo, i say, boo.

needless to say, i spent the next four days in panic over the fact that i couldn't be reached since i had specifically (or stupidly?) put in my memo of pending work (something that we have to prepare for the office should we be going on leave) that i can be reached by phone. so much for that.

of course this had to happen when i left my globe prepaid at home -- i could've easily loaded that and went on roaming using that phone.

and of course if i had assistants and what nots i could have asked someone to go to the mall, pay my bill, and activate my roaming for me. but i didn't -- taong bayan lang ako - so i was stuck with silently fuming against the poor call center agent i had woken up from his leisurely slumber.

and, before you could say it, it was indeed stupid of me to have waited until the very last minute to activate my roaming when i could have done it in the days leading up to my vacation. yes, i agree.

well, now i at least know. so when i visit vietnam in august, and kuala lumper in september (yihee! travel spree this year!), i'd know better.

but sun cellular -- you have been warned!

tweeting too much

okay, i know i tweet a lot.

someone even said i tweet way too much.

but what can i say? i am the queen of oversharing. or maybe just princess. kris a. still has that throne covered.

anyway, maybe its time all that tweeting paid off. and maybe it's time all the tweeting that YOU do too, pay off. go click the link below :)

SponsoredTweets referral badge

Friday, June 18, 2010

my inner elle woods

when legally blonde first came out, i was slaving my way through law school while working as an instructor in the university to help pay for tuition and other expenses. i couldn't help but laugh at the circumstances that brought her there, and how she managed to triumph in spite of all the obstacles that being a misfit posed.

and so, every single time i felt out of place in law school, i'd watch legally blonde. after all, just like elle, i was more concerned about the shallower things in life than my own career as a lawyer.

eventually, i made it through law school, and i (thankfully) passed the bar examinations. i'm a lawyer now, a good one, i'd like to think so, and i'm supposed to be living the life i've dreamed of in the past. still, every so often, i can't help but sit and ask myself, is this what i really want?

this is where my inner elle woods steps in. whenever i get stressed with my job, i relax by walking around the mall. sometimes, when money isn't so tight, i treat myself to a little something -- and being the shoe addict that i am, it's almost always to a new pair of shoes.

so i've got high heels and flats, pumps and sandals, boots and sneakers. and, since flooding is almost always horrible in the manila area where i used to work, i even have a pair of pink rainboots. notwithstanding my extensive shoe closet, i am horribly aware of the fact that i do not have hot pink shoes to complete my elle woods self. if i only had a neon pink pair of anthology flats, my collection would be complete.


i can imagine myself in them now ... at the office on a casual friday, in lovely jeans and a simple top, then wow-ing everyone with my neon pink flats. i'd be so cute (a little self-indulgence here!) i could burst.

and, who knows, maybe on the day i'm wearing my uber-cute neon pink anthology flats, i'd bump into my own prince charming and flawlessly execute the bend and snap ☺♥☺♥☺

Thursday, June 17, 2010

hello, world, i'm back in manila

pictures, stories, and comments to follow. for now, i've got to buckle down and start working.

but, lest i forget, a couple of notes for future reference:
  1. i hate how sun cellular omitted from its website that you can only go roaming if your outstanding balance is more than half of your credit limit. hence, no roaming for me.
  2. being off the grid for four days is weird, but actually manageable. being away from work for the same number of days, on the other hand, is scary, especially in this economy.
  3. contrary to the comments i've heard from friends, HK disney, IMHO, is fun and worth every penny.
  4. i realized i love grocery shopping in HK.
  5. money is never enough.
  6. wednesday is crazy in HK.
  7. when will we catch up to our neighbors? i loved the public transportation system in HK
  8. having traveled with friends for the longest time, traveling with family feels different. one must actually prepare herself mentally for it.
sigh.

the vacation left me more tired than before i went on it. still, i'm glad i had that chance. now, time to work and save up for the next one.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

today's my last day at work this week.

tomorrow, mama and i will go to cabanatuan to visit my grandmother.

saturday will be laundry/packing day. hopefully, mama and i can squeeze in a trip to the parlor.

and at 3am sunday morning, thanks to the kindness of a good friend, we'll be ferried to the airport and we'll be on our way to the place where your dreams come true and there are hidden mickeys everywhere.

of course some have been teasing me over the very juvenile vacation. well, it's *almost* every kid's dream, and it has been mine for the longest time. who cares if HK disney is tiny, or is meant for kids, or isn't fun. this big kid plans to have the time of her life.

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

i was too caught up with the drama in my life that i had almost forgotten about a friend's sweet gesture

last friday, as i was too busy getting the entire house in order, a good friend dropped by as promised and gave me my pasalubong.

you see, he's now an expat in saudi arabia, and we both realized that we have a thing for ikea. so in one of our twitter chats, i told him, hey, get me something from ikea ...

... and a couple of weeks before he came home, he actually did.

but then, i was so busy that time, not to mention figuring out whether i really liked this boy or was just too caught up with the teasing, that i had forgotten about the present.

until we had lunch at pepper lunch (something we'd been planning also on twitter) and he mentioned his present. and i was overly excited to get it (but didn't have a car that day) so i was basically bouncing off the walls until he came with this package.

it might look small, but it was HEAVY. quite heavy enough that he had excess baggage going home. lucky for him, though, they aren't exactly strict with excess baggage in the middle east so he simply smiled his way through check-in.

when he handed over the present to me, i pretended to be more obsessed with cleaning the house (at that time i had less than four hours since mama's plane was to land) but the moment he left, i immediately "attacked" the package.



this is slightly embarrassing but i think i almost ripped the cord out of the base cause there were too many things "holding" each piece onto to the main box and i was just too impatient to get everything out.

of course, it need not be said that while i was too impatient to get everything out, i was patient enough to stop every so often and take pictures. hahaha.


so there i was, sweating and figuring things out and after a couple (or more) minutes, i had this:


lovely, lovely floor lamp.

that same afternoon, i got bulbs (soft white ... para kulay mayaman) and an adaptor (for a while i was afraid it was 110v, thank goodness it was 220v) and almost the entire night, i left it on pretending i was waiting for visitors.

i am too shallow that way.

thanks, theo, for your abounding thoughtfulness and generosity.

family

power rangersi remember posting something, either on facebook or on twitter, and a friend replied by saying, "aren't you supposed to be happy these days?"

you see, my mom is home for the first time in 8 years. she's been telling us that she'll visit one of these days -- supposedly when i graduated from law school, then when i was taking the bar -- but none of those trips panned out. my dad was here the year i took the lawyer's oath and signed the roll of attorneys, but unfortunately, he arrived weeks after the fact. sometime march or april of this year, my mom finally booked a ticket and told us that finally, she was on her way home for a two-week vacation.

the word excited didn't exactly capture how i felt when i heard the news. as i type this, i can see from the corner of my eye the hot pink post-it note pad where i first scrawled her flight details. my i-google home page counted the days until her arrival. and, for the first time in years, i planned a family vacation. once more, it was going to be me, my mom, and my brother, and we were going to have loads of fun.

reality, unfortunately, isn't always the same as fantasy.

after yet another particularly stressful evening, where i found myself in tears, i couldn't help but ask myself, why the heck did they give us families for if our hearts are meant to be broken every single time?

then i remembered a quote from sex and the city: the most important thing in life is your family. there are days you love them, and others you don't, but in the end, they're the people you always come home to. sometimes it's the family you're born into and sometimes its the one you make for yourself.

i've been horribly disappointed over and over again by my family, but i have to remember that in the last 8 years, i have built a wonderful "family" around myself. i have been blessed by people who loved, and continue to love, me in spite of myself. and so, i may be hurting right now, but i am buoyed by the knowledge that God knows my hurts, and he knows how to soothe my pains. and i know too that when the going gets too tough, i can always run to people who i know love and care for me as if i were part of their family too.

i am loved, and it shouldn't really matter anymore who's doing the loving.

update (at 1:55 p.m.) - had to ask clients to come to sign something and they came with something from mary grace. now, my language of love is gifts, so i felt the love loud and clear. thank you, client, and thank you Lord for making sure this happened today of all days.

Monday, June 07, 2010

and once more, we're fighting like cats and dogs

ah, the wonderful world of sibling rivalry.

growing up, with just my mom, brother, and myself (my dad, who was my kakampi, working abroad for most of my growing years), life was one big drama for me. my brother and i were born ten months apart, and it was tough. i always felt i had to fight for attention, to fight for my place in the sun, to always be my best so that i'd get my mom to love me. of course it didn't help how at that time, my mom was pretty young, and terribly wanted a son more than she did a daughter.

needless to say, all the attention mongering did not help in developing a lovey-dovey relationship. on the contrary, we fought with each other so much that my mom, probably tired of playing referee, each gave us knives one time so we could just kill each other and have all the fighting done and over it. that ended whatever fight quick.

of course there were good times. my brother, should he wish to be kind and loving, can truly turn on the charm. so, when he was in the mood, we'd have the best of times. i remember how when i was reviewing for the bar, i would hitch a ride with him to alabang most of the time. i also remember us having fun watching campy tagalog tv shows, such as 13, 14, 15.

when my parents left for the US around 8 years ago, we learned to co-exist and live together peacefully. we were alone in the family home, and we had a great time togother, managing to make sure everything ran as smoothly as it did when our mom was still there. he worked for the family business, and i was working and studying at the same time. it was great, and we survived magnificently. the major problems started when he began working for a call center. it was as if every evil bone in his body got the wake-up call and he turned into this horrible monster i didn't want to live with.

the monster was so horrible that one new year's day, i found myself telling him life would be better if he moved to the other house. the words may have been harsh, but to this day i believe it was the best thing i've ever done for myself (and probably for him).

since he moved away, life has generally been more pleasant for me. we exchanged the usual pleasantries during holidays and birthdays, and we counted on each other for favors when needed (like airport hatid and what not). then my mom announced a biggie: she was coming home for vacation.

and just like that, all the goodwill faded away. yesterday, i found myself vying for time and attention like a ten year old kid. i wanted things my way, and i believed my way was best. i also felt upstaged over the fact that my brother was going on leave on my mom's last week here while i couldn't take time off for work save for certain days. i hated how my brother - with a snap of his fingers - could make my mom's heart swell with pride and joy, while it felt like there was nothing i could do right once more.

here i am -- 33, a lawyer, with bills fully paid, savings in the bank, and happily independent -- and once more feeling horribly insecure the way i did all those years i was vying for attention.

horrible, i tell you.

oh i wish i could really learn the fine are of indifference. i wish i could perfect being okay with whatever. i've said this a million times -- how life would be so much better if i didn't get so involved in each and every thing. but i can't. and now, dealing with my mom and brother once more, i still can't.

on sunday, the three of us would be going on a trip to HK. i've been looking forward to it for a month now, since i first booked the tickets. i've been researching and planning and everything. but now, i can't muster up enough excitement for the trip. i can picture my brother once more getting his way, refusing to do stuff and my mom trying to please him, while i'm there, the panganay, supposedly able to understand everything and give way. it's not a pretty picture, and so while the trip has been a tiny ray of sunshine in my otherwise busy days, it has stopped being that.

i know i need an attitude change soon. and i wish i can do that.

for now though, i can't. and i hope the world just cooperates for a bit while i'm this way.


*image from blog and opinion.

Thursday, June 03, 2010

sea of shoes*

you know it, and i know it.

i have way too many shoes.

see, this picture was taken four years ago and i can't remember half the shoes these boxes contained.


and let's not even get into the fact that i have twenty or more pairs outside my home right now, in my pseudo garage sale, waiting for someone to just get them and love them as much as i did when i first bought them home in a shiny paper bag.

today, though, i said "no" to a pair of free shoes. and, i couldn't help but think, am i still me for turning down absolutely gorgeous shoes? wait, absolutely gorgeous and FREE shoes?

*with apologies to the blog of the same title.

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

teaching and tough love

if you've ever been my student, you'd know i'm a firm believer of tough love.

i lock the doors five minutes after class begins.

students who underwent practicum with me knew better than to be absent during the semester.

i forced my students to learn how to write both in print and cursive, and refused to check papers whose handwriting i could barely understand.

i had a standing rule that i would stop checking papers and essays after the fifth grammatical error i spot.

i was so tough on my students that if curses could kill, i bet i wouldn't have reached the age of thirty. i would have died younger, thinner, and wrinkle-free.

but that's beside the point. the point is that i think, wounded pride, crying nights, and difficulty notwithstanding, the students who went through me would be ready to face the world. by the time i handed out that oh-so-precious grade at the end of the semester, they would know that they deserved every single bit of that grade. a 1.0 with me was a 1.0 that they truly deserved.

as i finished checking papers this afternoon and came up with the grades for last summer's course, i couldn't help but feel disappointed with the quality of students that i had. of course, there were a number of stand-outs, but for the most part, i had not-so-great students. a majority of the class wanted to drop out, and actually complained to the dean, since they felt that the course was too difficult. some of them i actually wish had dropped out instead -- imagine checking an almost-blank examination booklet. i juggled the grades, finding the best way to make sure that a great number of them passed, and that as few students as possible failed. this isn't me, but then again, i don't want to go back to that school anymore, at least not for a while.

a huge part of me feels bad -- this was the school that i helped form. this was the school that i slaved long nights for. when very few schools - public and private - would accept our students for practicum, we had to sell our students for all that they had, and we trained them and taught them every single bit we knew about teaching. we made sure that they had the best teaching materials, the best blackboard handwriting. we made sure they knew how to write lesson plans - in long hand. our students may not have been the brightest out there, but by golly, we made sure that they were going to be the best student teachers a school could wish for.

and now, are these the students the school turns out? half of them had chicken scratch handwriting. a number couldn't form coherent sentence. and, sad to say, a number, IMHO, don't deserve to call themselves teachers.

i am sorely tempted to write a letter to the dean. i know he wouldn't take offense. he's that kind of a man. but then there's also a part of me that feels bad if i go on saying these things when i am just a part-time faculty in the school. do i say what's on my mind because that is the right thing to do? or do i just keep my mouth shut because, at the end of the day, it's none of my business anymore.

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

taking ME out to dinner

yesterday was a great day. finally, we received the much-awaited mid-year moolah.

now, unlike the year-end bonuses that send me to the high heavens when they finally arrive, the mid-year bonus goes directly to spike's expenses: car insurance (spike is still on comprehensive insurance) and car registration. last year, i also treated myself to a work wardrobe. and this year, the moolah was supposed to pay for stuff i wanted to get to prepare for my mom's arrival.

so, together with the rest of the staff, i waited ... and waited ... and waiting for any announcement regarding to bonus. and finally, last saturday, during the office party, they finally said we'd get it monday.

i was excited, i was happy, and i was finally going to be able to get the stuff i planned for mama, as well as pay for the KL plane ticket + hotel. and then it struck me: i needed to find a replacement for my washing machine. and i need to set aside pocket money for my vacation with mama and kit. by the time i added everything all up, i was left with zero moolah.

boo. never had i felt so broke after receiving "blessings" from the office.

and so i did the next best thing. i took myself out to dinner at pho hoa. and i ordered EVERYTHING i wanted, including fresh spring rolls which seem weird if you're all alone and ordering something else. i didn't care. i've been wanting to do that for the longest time and i finally did.

unfortunately, the thing it seems with taking yourself out to a MAJOR dinner all alone is that you end up eating too fast. and the food spree was over too soon.

*image from wysgal's photostream
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