Wednesday, April 30, 2003


we all live with editors in our lives. it could be your mom raising that single eyebrow at what you're wearing on your way to the mall. or your dad giving you the eye when he finds out that your grad ball date has plans of going to la salle instead of his beloved ateneo. friends pretty much do the same thing, telling you how your current squeeze looks more like zuma than the god you think he is.

and no matter how fiercely independent we believe we are, we get affected. we succumb to what people tell us, or believe about us.

yesterday, another editor popped into my life. all i wanted was to be honest to myself, to be able to look into the mirror and tell myself that "hey, you're pretty shallow for taking that against him, but you do, face it." instead, what i got was someone telling me that i shouldn't talk that way, think that way, for would i be able to bear being judged by the same yardstick.

i felt embarassed. tried apologizing, asking him why he thought that way. i felt so small in his eyes, that whatever impression i've made the last couple of weeks have been erased by one single post.

* * *

i've always been very honest to myself when it came to this blog. in fact, it was one of the reasons why i packed up and left the other blog -- i began feeling that too many people were reading it, people i didn't know and people i did know which resulted in me posting far fewer stuff. i've always thought i could say what i wanted to say in my blog.

* * *

i think that's the problem when you allow people to creep into your life. you allow them, and what they think, to affect how you see yourself. as he was telling me yesterday how judgmental i've been, i felt like crawling inside me and hiding. vanessa told me how it wasn't right that i felt that way but i did.

* * *

i guess that's what all of us would have to live with every single day. editors in our lives who because of one thing or another, we've given power to affect us.

Tuesday, April 29, 2003

foot in mouth situation

i'm sorry for being evil in the last post.

yes, i am shallow.

no, i can't stand it if i were to be measured by the same yardstick.

i can't take back what i said, yes, i can delete it but that wouldn't erase the fact that i said it already.
shallow stuff

ever been bothered by someone saying "twree" when what he meant was "three?" or what about "potograph" instead of "photograph?"

i remember having rejected a very nice suitor over the fact that he IMd me "are you board?"

shallow, really, but as i've always said, if i want to be a supreme court justice, shallow stuff such as these do count.

it has gotten me into trouble more than once, as i impose this standard even on my friends' prospective suitors. take lauren for instance. she was falling into major like with this very sweet guy, the type who'd give blue tulips and offer her an allowance should she decide to quit work (no, he wasn't a DOM). he was young (about my age, i think), established, had his own house, about to buy his own car, and had a very stable job. perfect on paper, if i may say so myself. one hitch though -- he pronounced that monstrosity of a mall as "migamol." that was enough for me to tell her "no, no, no, no, no." (incidentally, the guy did volunteer to do speechpower to cure the "problem" except that by then, my friend had found other faults that can't be cured by speechpower.)

anyway, every so often, when i feel quite alone and lonely, i begin to think that maybe i could still work things out with the ex. after all, he did look for a job and started saving just cause i mentioned once how these were important to me. but even at my loneliest, all it takes is him and me in a car and the song "absolutely" by nine days:

this is the story of a girl
who cried a river and drowned the whole world!
and while she looked so sad in potographs
i absolutely love her,
when she smiles

Monday, April 28, 2003

i want a new me

yes, i want a new me, but unfortunately, as with all i-will-finally-get-my-stuff-in-order plans, most rosa reinvention plans fail after a while. most recently was the pearl project where some kids and i planned to start wearing pearls in the belief that women who wear pearls seem to be more gentle, more loving, more with "it" than anyone we know. i actually posted a small piece of paper on my desk both in the dorm and at work containing "pearl project" in big bold letters hoping that the constant reminder would empower me to continue on with my grand plan.

recently, on a particularly long trip, i again made the decision to reinvent myself anew. i want enough of the old me to remain but enough of the new me to catch people's attention. in his words, the goal is to be an event.

now this could be the stilettos talking but, whatever. i want a new me. i want to be more confident of who i am. i want to finally lose the 15 pounds i gained when i was with rey. i want to learn how to finally walk in heels. i want to be kinder and more gentle in dealing with people, and yet firm when the need arises. i want to learn how to keep my mouth shut so when i finally speak, people sit up and listen. i want to be independent, to be able to eat alone, vacation alone, and (the ultimate) watch a movie alone.

i want to be able to sing... but that'll be asking for too much.

* * *

i don't really know what brought about the suddent decision. could be because i was in major "unrequited like" situation? ever been there? you're starting to be friends with someone then all of a sudden you see things you like in the person. you notice how his eyes are like. you begin to imagine what it's like kissing him. you find yourself finding more and more reasons to text him. every song on the radio becomes relevant in your imagined love affair.

he, on the other hand, carries on as if he were clueless or something. he goes on and on about this girl who fell in love with him and how he can't handle ANYONE falling for him. he puts himself down, telling you how weird he is and how the thought of commitment sends shivers down his spine. he tells you how he likes women in general and how he'd probably just go on dating till kingdom come.

you sit there listening to him, pretending to be understanding and all that when the only thought running through your head is "dude, i'm falling in like with you and all you can think about is her?"

* * *

every single minute can be sheer torture. you know the feeling of a wound that's healed and yet pressing the scab on top of it brings this weird kind of pain? that's how it's like. you know it'll be painful but you keep pressing for some absurd reason. you know you should resign yourself to the fact that the most he'll ever see you as is as a good friend, a younger sister maybe, but that's it. you know that losing twenty pounds and affecting a british accent won't change his mind about you. oh, you can pray to st. jude (the patron of the impossible, i gather) but that'll be too much.

* * *

i am hopeless, i know.

Wednesday, April 23, 2003

would you like me if ...

half a year ago, i posted a list of what i perceived to be my less-than-desirable characteristics. at that point, it wasn't about whether or not there actually existed a person who'd fit my checklist but whether i would ever be checklist girl myself. it's amazing how in the last five months, i found someone who actually didn't mind crappy old me (in fact loved me because i was me), and then i moved on and left the same guy.

people -- quite a number of them i might add -- would have hit me in the face had they had a chance to do so. i have received a variety of comments from the slightly sympathetic (whatever makes you happy) to the downright honest (ang tanga tanga mo!). for one, although my mom understands (and actually foresaw) me leaving mars, she was also afraid that i, like my now-evil dad, had absolutely no concept of commitment.

i do know what commitment is all about, and to use a Mark term, it's all about relevance. you see, when you commit, you choose to be relevant to that someone and in being relevant, you'd want to make sure that that someone would be someone you respect and admire, and yet feel very comfortable with. i mean, no one would want to be relevant to someone who's basically an ass, right?

where is all this going? basically i think i just need to vent and to finally answer all the whys and the whats that have been floating around. yes, i feel guilty about leaving him; no, we won't get back together; no, it's not because of another guy; yes, i'm over him; yes, i know i'm horrible that i don't even feel remorse; yes, i miss him; no, i don't miss him enough to go back to him; yes, i loved him in my own little way; yes, we're still friends; no, i don't think being friends with your ex is weird; no, i do not know how i'll react if i saw him with another girl; no, i'd like to think it wasn't a rebound relationship; and for the all important question "what if he was the one and you let him go cause you were so stupid?", i'd say, hell, if he were the one, then i had the one for three and a half months. (incidentally i just realized now that tomorrow would've been our fourth month.)

so there, vanessa, i am not a commitment phobic. it's just that with something as important as marriage and with the divorce statistics the way they are, you just have to be a little pickier, a little more OC, a little more i-will-take-a-risk-and-leave-him-when-i-began-thinking-he's-probably-not-the-one-although-i'm-not-so-sure when it comes to settling down. i do know that settling down means finally giving up on that irrational checklist and finally accepting him the way he is, faults and all, but given the gravity of the situation, i'd just postpone the settling down for as long as i can till i'm really really really sure that he is it.

* * *

incidentally, i've been yawning like crazy these past couple of days. part of me's like "if i do this yawn really well, then i'd probably stop feeling so darn sleepy!"

what is wrong with me?

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

ang bagal ng oras!

i thought it was ages since i last checked the clock across my desk but darn it, how could it be only ten minutes later?

me and my overexcitement over anything in general.

Monday, April 21, 2003

what's in a name?

most people, upon hearing my nickname, blurt out "bakit mas mahaba yung nickname mo kaysa sa real name mo?"

i'd counter, "oh it's not. it's just that i have a second name that i don't use."

you see, i happen to love my nickname. i find it cute and unique. i loved the way how it has double letters and an x in it. i loved how it was MY name and not some patsi-patsi job. unfortunately, my second grade teacher scared the hell out of me in using it in school and other non-official situations though when she said that i had ruined her class record simply because i misrepresented myself by using my nickname in exams and stuff like that.

oh well, never mind. very few people could say it nicely anyway.

Sunday, April 20, 2003

guess what i did over the break?

when we were kids, holy week was all about not smiling until jesus was "alive" again. however, over this year's holy week break, i was actually able to...

... eat lobster for the first time. cool how i never broke the "no meat rule" at all but i had one of the best meals of my life.

... drive all the way the nueva ecija -- the north diversion road, the one-lane national highway, the rough roads. i was actually able to over take quite a number of slow-moving vehicles (ha! hindi ako yung mabagal!) and park in the oasis-in-the-middle-of-the-expressway gasoline stations. i was able to do 140 kph in some places!

... buy my first halter top! and it's not just a halter top, it's a halter top that i'd like to believe is flattering.

... ask someone out... *blush* ... i've never done this before ... *blush*

Thursday, April 17, 2003

getting drunk

what do you do when you're out on the town with two friends you haven't spent time with for the longest time? you eat a long leisurely dinner at cena, have dessert at uva, and get drunk at cafe havana beside a table full of -- in mon's words -- hammers.

it was not long before we were half-sprawled on the stage in our respective interpretations of the "halina"pose.

it was a good thing that mark came along. his presence had an odd way of detoxifying our three drunk selves.

Wednesday, April 16, 2003


luckily, my mom has never made a big deal out of holy week. must've been cause her birthday hosts good friday most of the time. nonetheless, for my mom, holy week vacation meant doing penance by cleaning up the house.

now, for those who have been to my room, this is major penance indeed. when i was a kid, it was easy. she shipped us off to cabanatuan the first weekend after school ended and then she attacked our rooms with gusto. your favorite toys and clothes simply disappeared, mattresses are aired, and you come back to a room that's ready for the tornado that is you.

things got more tough when i was in college. i didn't have time to go home to the province anymore so i had to help my mom clean up my room. it didn't help too that summers meant lots of boxes from the dorm. by her orders, by the time easter sunday rolled around, the house MUST be in order, my room especially.

now that my mom's in the states, i'm in panic mode. my stuff is not only all over the room, but the living room as well. it has been there since i checked out of the dorm april 6 and given the grades plus the thesis, it will be a miracle that i actually get to fix the boxes and clean the place.

but then again, this is what penance is all about, right? it might mean less time on-line chatting with people, or less bonding time with my bed. still, this is something i'm not only doing for the spirit of sacrfice, but also a little something to bring my mom home to me for the long break.

Tuesday, April 15, 2003

marriage material?

years ago, i made THE CHECKLIST after breaking up with yet another boyfriend. in it, i noted several imperatives (the bare minimum) and their corresponding desirables (or the best insofar as your imperatives were concerned). among other things, the checklist included mundane things such as his being able to drive and play basketball, ability to speak english very well, a graduate of UP or Ateneo, can carry on the most amazing conversations with me, and someone i would not mind waking up next to for the rest of our lives.

after a while, i pretty much discarded the checklist. it could have been due to the slight desperation of being 25 (at that time) and single. i had a string of failed relationships that started out ok but ended badly. add to that the loss of an ovary and you pretty much have a girl who was in big need of a partner.

except that one day, i met him, the guy who fit THE CHECKLIST. the guy who looked good on paper. the guy who i wouldn't mind -- at least insofar as the checklist was concerned -- spending my life with.

veevee was, of course, wary about the whole thing. how can i actually believe that by fitting my checklist, this guy was worth losing what seemed to be a very promising relationship over.

it was simple, i figured. my last boyfriend helped me bring back my faith in love. unfortunately, i realized at the same time that i did not love him the way i figured real love was like. moreso, he didn't fit the checklist at all. if these were some of the things that i held up to be my non-negotiables in life, how could i then contemplate on spending the rest of my life with him?

veevee said it may be simply because i was commitment-phobic. maybe. but i'd rather have lost what i had now than spend the rest of my life in an unsatisfying relationship.

* * *

incidentally, isn't it weird that my penance didn't include giving up shopping? ha ha...

it's been more than a week and i still want that bag. if i still want it sunday, it's going to be mine.

Monday, April 14, 2003

you know you're screwed when the thing you stayed up all night for was apparently not transferred to your diskette and so it's sitting at home right now, 25 kms away and your only course of action is to call up your ex and hope he catches your brother at home so he can email it to you.

because you do not only need to finish the damn thing, you also have to write it by hand and submit it to UP by five.

i am majorly screwed.
haven't slept yet and i drove.

NEVER ever EVER going to do that again. nearly slammed into the vehicle in front of me more than once. scary.

the weird thing was i was able to park the car in one go. as in cleanly, nicely, and straight. amazing what your body can do when all it has in mind is to get to the 7th floor, force your feet to walk the one hundred meters to your cubicle, and fall asleep.

but no such deal... i have to write BY hand my integrated outline then go to UP to submit it.

i think i will take a bus ... or whatever other mode of transportation. i do not want to kill myself submitting my last requirement for the year.

Sunday, April 13, 2003

if you've found me here, wow. welcome to my new life ... on-line at least.

* * *

i left the guy who loved me a lot by using the majorly overused line "can we be friends?"

i left him not cause i didn't love him. if it were all about love, then we'd be holding hands right now instead of me using up all this time online.

i left him cause i had more than enough issues. i left him cause i've ceased to be passionate about him. i left him cause although he treated me like the princess i was not, i didn't treat him like the prince he was.

i hope he finds someone who will love him as much as he loved me.

i hope that one day, i become the girl who deserves him.

* * *

it's scary moving on without him. but maybe i should go back to that checklist i made four years ago. when i find him or when he finds me, i hope that will be it. for now, i'm going to give this relationship thing a rest.

after all, wasn't it me who posted eons ago how anything less than mad passionate love is a waste of my time
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