Saturday, May 11, 2013

alone again, naturally

my mom and i, we have a complicated relationship.

when i was in second grade and my teacher asked us to say who our best friends were, i didn't hesitate in saying my mom was my best friend. after all, my dad was working abroad then and except for the time i spent in school, i was basically with my mom all the time.

and she was a working mother. amazeballs, really.

she made sure i was first in line at the CSA entrance exam, even though my last name began with a "V" and i ended up entering the room last.

she brought us to school every single day cause a school bus from las pinas would be too early.

and she attended every single recognition, program, and school thingamajig that the teachers could think of.

even when i was in college and staying in the dorms already, she'd still bring me to UP on sundays and we'd eat at bun on the run in katipunan.

the time i made it as a university scholar one semester, she surprised me by being in my dorm room after PE class so she could attend the awarding. unfortunately, it was then that she saw a pic of me and an ex. she was crazy mad, but couldn't be on that day cause, after all, i was university scholar. hahaha. she waited till the weekend before biting my head off.

my brother and i were born ten months apart (yes, you read that right), so i wasn't even a year old when i had to start sharing my mom with my brother. and i won't pretend i don't know he's her favorite. i've grown to accept that as a fact of life, pretty much like how everything that goes up must come down. but favorite or not, i've always known that i wasn't every shortchanged by mom.

not in terms of a good education. not in terms of material possessions. not in terms of care and affection. if at all, i just wasn't able to get away with as much as my brother did. but when you're 36 years old, that doesn't really matter anymore. (or so I claim, haha!)

my mom arrived late night on April 21 (or was it early morning April 22) and i brought her to the airport at 4am this morning. it's crazy how we "tried" each other so much over the past couple of days. there were times that i was so frustrated i didn't know how to handle taking care of my mom (not that she needed taking care of) - i didn't know what she wanted to eat, or what she wanted to do, and how to make the heat go away (aircon, but she didn't like staying in one place too much, and turning on all the airconditioning units was just crazy). maybe i had just gotten so used to being alone and taking care of no one but myself. or maybe it was just how we are. i dunno. but thinking now about all the times we spent being frustrated with each other over the course of her vacation makes me want to hit my head against the wall as to how i could've been so stupid as to waste precious time with my mom.

it's mother's day tomorrow. ironically, we're not spending it together. i miss her already - i miss her calling me ateng and her sweeping my house every so often cause she just can't get over how dusty everything is in the philippines. i miss our weekends spent shopping (hence the suitcases that may or may not be above the weight limit) and our weekends spent with me forcing her to eat stuff at my favorite restaurants (thank goodness she liked banapple). but i'm also realistic; i do know that any longer and we would've probably ended up resenting each other beyond repair.

as i've said, my mom and i, we have a complicated relationship.
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