home alone

this is my second attempt at writing this.

with a ctrl+a, and then the del button, i just deleted a five-paragraph long post and decided to start anew.

i'm thinking, where has the wit gone? where is the panache that enabled me to write crazy stuff about my life in the past? where's the girl whose smiles reached her eyes and jumped at a moment's notice.

i guess things, including me, have truly changed.

then again, if my laptop's old and dying already, what am i to expect of me? i have had this for four years now, and my dad had it for a year or so before he gave it to me. it's not exactly a new laptop, in fact, it's pretty old. and i've been blogging long before i got this. so, there. changes are truly afoot, changes are, if i must say so, truly necessary.

last night, after i found out that "the sweetest thing" was showing on hbo (thanks to an FB post by a college friend), i watched it and again was confronted by the fact that why is it that i am sort of the owner of this home and yet i am unable to claim it as my own. what am i waiting for? a husband and kids to turn me into a responsible person? has staying in the room that i've had since i was a freshman in high school stunted my growth to the point that i still leave shoes at varius places in the house? why is it that on lazy days I am still primarily preoccupied with reading books and catching up on sleep, hiding out in my bedroom when i've got an entire home to enjoy.

okay - how did i jump from the sweetest thing to my home issues? there was a scene there where cameron was at her apartment (her apartment!) and she was in the living room enjoying the space. i couldn't say that for myself. you see, my living room is where i've dumber blazers for washing, shoes i've used up for the week, and a couple of stuff i haven't stored away yet.

gah. i am 32 and still living the life of a teen.

my mom has said she's coming home soon for a vacation. hopefully that'll force me to get my act together and prove to her that hey, i AM an adult and the house shows it. until then, i just have to make sure i don't trip as i navigate around the things i've left lying on the floor :)

was it my screwed up hormones or was it just me?

as i sit behind my messy office desk listing down the numerous things i have to finish, i can help but still feel the glow of a job well done. a couple of weeks ago, i did a pleading for this old case that was assigned to me recently and after we submitted said pleading, the office copy came back my way with a very clear "very good" on it written by one of the firm's partners. then yesterday, i read an email from a new client saying i was very well prepared and that they were satisfied with my work. today, the same client sent a text message appearing to be very happy with the opinion i emailed today.

all of a sudden, all the issues i poured out to paz two sundays ago are gone and here i am, content once more with the path that i have taken and the work that i'm doing. i am happy and for some reason, i do not mind knowing that the next couple of weeks will require extra long days if i want to shine like the bright star that i want to become.

a while back a friend noted that i had ceased to be the fun person i was before. and that scared me a lot. how can i not be cheerful, sunshiny, bright, happy and bouncy when these are the very things that i think define me. i cannot NOT be fun, at least to my mind. i cannot be serious and deep, or the type that ponders on things. i am impulsive. i am a whirlwind. i am entropy personified.

so i tried blaming hormones - maybe its just cause of the medicine i'm taking. or stress, cause, really, i've been tired a lot lately. i also wanted to blame lack of sleep although we all know more than anything else i do make sure i get a lot of that.

somewhere between the blaming sessions and today, i realized that happiness doesn't mean being bright, sunshiny, and cheerful all the time. happiness isn't also something that comes from shallow little things that makes one smile from ear to ear. i can be the fun person i was without all the external trappings.

go back to the first paragraph.

i am doing a great job.

i am making my clients happy. (and if they're happy, then so must be my bosses too)

so forget happiness from bouncy shiny happy things. i am an adult, and when one's an adult, happiness comes from doing what ought to be done right and the best way you can. and guess what - that's where i am at right now :)

happy birthday, person i deleted from my life.

a year ago, i celebrated the birthday of a person i christened my best friend after a couple of days of hanging out and getting swimmingly along. two months after that, i was pissed off, mad, and had made the unilateral decision to delete him from my life without any ceremony whatsoever. i was done, i wanted to move on, and there was nothing there that i wanted to go back to anymore. it was a bad decision borne out of impulse and, most likely, loneliness and therefore best chalked up to experience.

early this morning, while watching a movie that turns a woman's heart into jello, a friend reminded me of so-and-so's birthday. i had almost forgotten about it, but apparently the fate's won't let me. and so, now, almost halfway into ex-friend's birthday, i am choosing to remember the good things, the happy moments, and the friendship that was lovingly offered when i needed it the most.

with everyone boasting of countless of "friends" on facebook, one can't but help ask herself really what friendships are made of, and whether, when one realizes her car batteries has died, there'd be someone to pick her up and say it will be okay. there's always the looming question that even with the hundreds of names on my cellphone, there's someone there i could call when i'm too choked up to breathe from crying my heart out. with the ease of getting in touch via YM and skype and facebook chat, would any one of the people i can reach via these messenger-type technology be willing to listen to me as i, for the millionth time, complain about my meager salary?

last night, i had dinner with my college dorm mates - friends i had not seen and barely heard from since i graduated in 1998. when we saw each other, we hugged and said our hi's and talked as if we all just checked out of ilang-ilang yesterday. the dad of one of us passed away before her bar results came out. the baby sister of another is now a freshman in UP manila. and, surprisingly, all of us are lawyers none, although none of us had expressed a desire to be one while we were in college. after a hearty dinner, we made plans to meet regularly, once a month, schedule permitting, and to never let time and distance come between the special bond we shared while we were all still at that stage of figuring life out.

after dinner, i rushed over to another friends how, friends from my present life, and we spent time watching movies on dvd together. all of us were tired, and none of us were in any condition to really spend the night rocking but we were there, enjoying quiet time together, knowing deep in our hearts that times like this are rare to come by.

maybe it's time for an apology to the boy who's celebrating his birthday today. maybe i was wrong for giving up on a friendship with you, after all, you did prove yourself a good friend when i was at a low point. and maybe it's time to acknowledge that friendships do not need technology but require actual time and presence to flourish. maybe it's time to thank new friends who met me when i was the most alone in my life and helped mold me into the strong, fearless, and (semi)confident single woman i now am.

and so, happy birthday, enzo. i'm sorry i can't greet you today cause i've deleted your number from my phone but know that as i go to mass tonight you'll be in my prayers. thanks ate precious and ivy for making time to have dinner last night and for making future plans to make this a regular thing. i am glad to have found you two again. and, to my girls, pazi, jenny, antonette, and shy - i am uber blessed to have you in my life, strong women all, godly, caring, and loving, fun and fearless, and always willing to have that occasional drink with me when i find myself in a horribly screwed up situation all over again.

what now, brown cow?

with my MCLE (mandatory continuing legal education)3/4 done, i can't help but ask myself, what now, brown cow?

you see, here's the drill:

at MCLE i ran across my high school classmate who's now married and working with her husband at the permanent court of arbitration at the hague.

at MCLE i ran across my law school blockmate who's now expecting his first baby with his college girlfriend who's also a lawyer.

at MCLE i ran across my law school crush who, as part of his compensation package, gets to go out on foreign trips yearly where he gets to bring his wife for free.

heck, let's make it more mababaw. at MCLE, i ran across a whole lot of lawyers who have macbook pros.

and there i was, 32 years old, earning significantly less than what i was earning when i was in the government, single, and feeling like there's so much i can do but am limited by where i am and the decisions i've made.

sometimes i question myself, question why am i where i am today. did it begin when i chose education in college? and when i "corrected" that by going to law school, did i screw that one up by not excelling when i should have? and should I have stayed in government service? and when i finally decided to do litigation, did i pick the wrong firm?

so many questions. i feel like i'm chasing after so many things that are running even faster away from me. then i ask myself, is it all about money? will i be happier only if i am given more money? but money can't give me all my dreams on a silver platter.

from the girl who thought she knew what she wanted and where she wanted to go, i've been reduced to a ball of doubt. where's the girl who was so proud to have made it to UP law? where's the girl who managed to pass the bar while working full time? where's the me that i loved so much?

no answers for now. maybe no answers for a while. but i hope there will be eventually. at 32, it's never to late to change things. but i won't be 32 forever. and so, although i seek the answers with caution, i should also remember that there are times when i just have to throw all caution to the wind and jump.

oh sun broadband wireless, you disappoint me so

long before the days of unlimited calls and text messages, i already had a sun cellular line. it was sometime in 2003, and we were at this bazaar and they had a good deal on a sun line. at that time, i was racking up major minutes on my globe bill and thought, my not give this new service a try. and so i did, and since my plan is the ancient plan 250 with 250 worth of text messages and 250 worth of calls a month, i've pretty much stuck with it over the past six years, bad signal, congested networks, and poor loyalty rewards system notwithstanding. so, while i always had another phone (either globe or smart prepaid), my sun was something that has remained with me.

when i decided to cut my PLDT phone line and was choosing amongst the many wireless landline services, i readily opted for the sun wireless landline. i figured, while sun hasn't been stellar, it's been pretty steady. globe's signal hasn't improved in my room, but somehow, sun's signal has improved a bit and so i thought, why not. and, save for the major delay in activating my line, it's been pretty much reliable whenever i've used it.

so, when i finally jumped on the usb-as-internet trend, i didn't hesitate that much in shelling out P1895 for a sun wireless broadband. i thought that with the crappy comments about the globe tattoo service (it's the cheapest by the way) and the congested smart bro network (which has allegedly amazing service nationwide), i thought that the wonderful online comments about sun's wireless service + my relatively nice experience with suncell and suntel phones are enough reasons to get the sun wireless broadband, price notwithstanding.

24 hours of using it ... while i don't exactly want to say it has crappy service - after all i could YM without interruptions - the other stuff i basically use the net for - twitter and facebook - take forever to access. while i can very easily google things, it takes FOREVER to get from the search page to the actual page i want to view. and uploading? well, forget uploading. my computer just stalled.

sometimes, i disconnect and reconnect again to "refresh" my internet connection. but truly, once my 180 free minutes run out, how effective will that be? the first time i tried to connect tonight at around 8 pm, it took almost ten minutes just to open YM ... before it stalled and died.

so it's half past ten now. i've been online intermittently the past two hours and a half. with prepaid rates, that would've cost me 50 bucks already. and so far, i've posted a couple of twitter updates, said hi to a friend in singapore, hunted once mousehount, and written this post which, incidentally, might end up not being posted.

so where's the fabulous, fast, and fantastic sun service that i've read about online? i dunno. right now, i must say, i wasted P1895 and am wishing i just bought shoes instead.

old crushes never die, they just get un-hot with age

when i was in second year law school, i fell in major like with this guy.

he was cool, he was smart, and he wrote poetry. and did i mention he also sang in a band? he was so fabulous in my eyes that my heart dropped when he asked if we could study for this one exam together (i hardly studied, i just oggled). and all the classes we had together? well, i swear my grades benefited big time: i studied like i hadn't studied in my life just so i won't be embarrassed during my recitations.

he graduated ahead of me, passed the bar, and that was that. we weren't exactly friends to begin with, and although i did bump into him once after that, his presence consisted of just random items on my news feed and the occasional comments on my entries. he was, to my mind, someone who has gone to that place where law graduates who have passed the bar go - to serious life and 12-hour days, non-stop hearings and pleadings, and family life.

and so when i bumped into him last friday at the mcle, and he plopped down beside me while muttering, "why the f*** do we have to bother with this stupidity" (or something like that), my first though was, my, my, how un-hot is he now? of course, i ought not to have cast the first stone especially that i wasn't exactly at the prime of fitness, but this was my law school hottie, the stuff that my under-bar dreams were filled of! he is not allowed, in my universe, to deteriorate as much as he did.

the first thing i did was to send out a text message to my friends complaining why, why, why, oh why, has he turned un-cute?

three hours later, i took back everything i texted and thought. because more than the eye candy he was, my law school crush was brain fodder. this was the guy who wrote a song mocking my love for brett michaels as we sat pretending to listen to labor law 2 (sorry, sir!). this was the guy who wrote for the kule and lugged around a compilation of short stories. and, lewd and crass as he was still, these were things that just fed the charming "brusko" guy that he was.

so fine if he wasn't as hot as he was in second year law school when he sauntered into class and into my consciousness? he's still every bit as witty as he was before and i am, i must admit, in major awe of this boy all over again.

p.s. a disclaimer: just a crush, people, just a crush.

my tiny little online fantasy world.

i'm a girl. and as a girl, how many times have i said, oh, i wish i were:
a) thinner
b) taller
c) more daring
d) less boob-sy
e) all of the above
... to wear that look. let's not even go into "oh how i wish i could afford that" or "how i wish that were available here."

if some people get their fantasy lives from dungeons and dragons, i get mine from pretending i'm rachel zoe.

and since i can only watch her show so much, much less afford (and stock in my house) only so many back issues of glossy magazines, here's the next best thing for closet fashionistas such as myself: looklet

i warn you though, it's going to be VERY addicting.

obsess much?

with a stuffy nose that was most likely causing splitting headache, i spend the last half hour reading my old posts while waiting for ABB. and, while reading old posts makes you smile at memories of the past that was, it also made me cringe a lot on the fact that when i like someone, i apparently don't just like that someone, i obsess.

a lot.

i mean i guess i should be thankful that none of the objects of my obsession read my blog. otherwise, they'd catch me in a second. this girl, they'd most likely thing, is in the bag.

gah.

so now i have to find a way to be subtle, to not get overly carried away, or as alex puts it, to not overthink the situation.

for short: go back and read my copy of "he's just not that into you."
(disclaimer: i did NOT buy this book, it was given to me by a friend who felt bad about my overthinking after the pilot and i broke up. wait, that doesn't sound so good either.)

anyway, since i've this pledge to also lose weight, maybe i should channel my obsession to healthier tasks. like this:

want to text him? go do one hundred crunches.

want to stalk him on fb? half rice on lunch, and no more rice the entire day.

spent more than five minutes practicing signing his last name with your first name? no dilly bar for a month ... or a month and a half, depending on how many signatures you were able to come up with.

googled him? cut off all supply of twisted cheetos puffs.

this is SO going to be productive, i tell you.
(and i guess that also tells you how i obsess much. gah. loser - me.)

you know you're sick when ...

... there's a horrible driver in front of you and you can't overtake her for the life of you.

add to that the fact you're already late and this scenario repeats itself over and over again in the course of a 21-km drive to work and you know, really know, that you're screwed.

hello people, it's me again, and unfortunately, this time around, i am as sick as a dying old man.

or maybe more.

anyway, i was out of the office tuesday, and sick yesterday, so when my temperature dropped back to normal, i thought, hey, i have to go back to work, with deadlines to beat and promotions to chase after.

my friend asked, are you good already, and i said, yes, cause my temperature is back at 37 and he said not to trust the thermometer and i said, what to trust, and he replied, how do you feel.

fine, i said. a bit down, but fine.

you're not well then, he argued.

i said, of course i am. but then again the fact that it took me forever to get to work, and clearly unable to drive the way i usually drive means that i am not fine, and i wish i were better, much better.

thank goodness for upcoming long weekend. while the entire universe, fine entire metro manila, might be planning trips to wherever their wanderlust would take them, the farthest i'm willing to go this weekend would be to the kitchen to get some food. the rest of the time, i'll be in bed, getting better, thank you very much.

and when i'm fine by tuesday, i'll be back on the road, driving the way i usually drive, traffic notwithstanding. =P

sometimes all you need is a piece of reese's to get the job done

well, not really.

the reese's peanut butter cup pictured here was given to me by my fellow-firm-slave, ABB. yesterday, she shared her chocolate stash with me and brought me a piece of waffle dog for breakfast. the day before it was baked goodies (custaroons and tarts) from the weekend baker's fair she attended. the entire year i've been working for this firm, i've been the recipient of ABB's kindness several times over. i guess its one of the reasons why work, notwithstanding all of its challenges, is something that i look forward to each day.

of course i won't pretend that waking up each day is a struggle cause it really is. and i won't pretend i don't complain about work either, cause i do. a lot, actually. but i believe it's rare to find yourself not only working for someone you've admired in the past but working with someone who's on the same page as you. it's rare to find yourself challenged by someone who's in it not for the money but because it's something she lives and breathes. in so many ways, ABB is way better at this than i am, but somehow, her awesome-ness is something i aspire to have (and hopefully beat) someday, not something i resent. good officemates (and friends, i guess) have that effect on you.

a couple of weeks ago i wrote ABB a note asking her where my "funk" went. she answered, "where'd you lose it?" i couldn't figure it out then but she told me what she does to be on top of her game - family and friends.

and so tonight, supreme court pleading notwithstanding (it's done, just need a bit of tweaking here and there), i am off to have dinner with VV. maybe, just maybe, reese's + VV will make everything all right.

(and if not, the hell, there's a long weekend coming up and sometimes, that's all you really need, right?)

yesterday i met a new boy

well, technically, not a new boy. i think i've seen him several times already, and he used to be one of the prospects of a good friend.

in fact, that's how i know a lot about new boy. my friend liked him. no, correct that. not just liked him. i think she was in love with him.

now around that time, new boy was just a name to me. and then i saw him once and he was cute so i told my good friend, go go go. with his good looks and the "good on paper" stories, who was i to stand in the way of true love?

but then as most love stories go, theirs didn't pan out but they remained friends. and so, once in a while, i'd run across new boy. and every time i'd see him, i'd tell my good friend, sayang naman, gwapo na, okay pa.

yesterday, i got to hang out with new boy. and hanging out with new boy, i realized that more than being good on paper and really good looking, good boy is crush material.

he's tall (all the better to wear heels with).
he's kind (all the better to introduce to friends and family with).
he's good on paper (all the better to start a future with).
and he's got the most fantabulous smile (all the better to have kids with).

i must admit, i was smitten within five minutes of sitting beside him.

then i realized two major things:

first,

eto na naman ako, crush na naman.

clearly, in spite of my claims that i am, for the meantime, closing all door to the prospect of a relationship with anyone, it is second nature to me to "fall in like" with people. what if this person is a bum? (he's not) what if he has a kid somewhere out there? (he does) what if he's not available? (research, anyone?) in a matter of five minutes, i had forgotten about my promise to myself and was, sad to admit, imagining a future with this person. i am so frigging lame, am i not?

second,and more importantly i think,

diba bawal mag-ka crush sa ex-prospect ng kaibigan?

it doesn't matter that things didn't work out for them and it doesn't matter whether she still likes him or not. she got first dibs and no matter what she says, i don't think she'll think very kindly of me if she does find out that i have a thing for her boy. that's just how the world and friendships are like.

anyway, the possibility of me seeing the new boy in the future is pretty next to zero. and so let me also officially end her whatever fantasies i've harbored about my new crush. it's not going to help any, and with only four days this week and two pleadings to submit, i should be getting a move on instead of dreaming about my new boy.

all hotness notwithstanding.

one year down, a lifetime to go

on my final year in law school, while all my classmates were planning their future, all i wanted to do was finish. that and pass the bar. whereas everyone had grand plans (and invitations even) to join the best firms in the country, all i wanted was for the torture known as "working student while in law school" to end.

it finally did. and when it did, i sorta had a job offer: to clerk for a court of appeals justice who was the mom of a former student.

clerking for a court of appeals justice was a great first job. it helped me transition from law student to lawyer without much difficulty since it mostly involved drafting decisions. everything i learned (and did not learn) in law school slowly unfolded before my bewildered mind and started making sense. it was then that i realized how much i loved labor, how much i detested civil law, and how, given the proper crime, criminal law could be an exciting field to pursue. the pay was okay, the hours great, and the life fantabulous.

but i guess man (or woman) is never really satisfied and it wasn't long before my dad's and aunt's proddings, coupled with my childhood vision of what a lawyer is, sprinkled with some advice from a good friend made me want to actually practice law. i wanted to be a notary public. i wanted to sign pleadings. i wanted to appear in court. i wanted to be - pardon the nomenclature - a "real lawyer".

of course i didn't realize that being a "real lawyer" would mean longer hours in the office. it meant no more sneakers at work, suits on specified days, and addressing major and minor concerns of clients. being a "real lawyer" meant hard work and lower pay. being a "real lawyer" meant sacrifices, big and small.

i remembered praying about it intently. in fact, i attempted to make the move twice. the first time didn't push through out of choice, but the second one screamed answered prayer through and through. i got hired to work in a firm where one of the founding partners is a professor i admired in law school, i got hired on the day i least expected it, and i got hired in a firm that will help me achieve my best self. it happened so quickly, so seamlessly that at first i couldn't believe things were actually happening the way i planned they would. but they did, and i'm glad beyond words.

tomorrow i'll be celebrating my first year anniversary at this place. i've got nothing really planned, in fact i'd almost forgotten about it. all i've got right now is this tribute post of sorts.

what i can say though is this:

i've got one year down, and a lifetime to go. i know it won't be long before even more beautiful things start happening for me. i am glad god answers prayers, and that out of my many prayers he answered this one. i may not have had plans then and my future may not be as mapped out as others' are. but career wise, so far, i think i have found home.

move over, henry sy. the tantocos are taking over my shopping self

everyone in my immediate circle knows how much i love SM.

when i want to hide, i go to SM.
when i'm feeling uber sad, i engage in SM retail therapy.
when the pressure was too much for me when i was reviewing for the bar, SM was my refuge.
and, oh, 75% of my bar review was inside a tiny starbucks at SM sucat.

when i get married, i'd have to have my pre-nup pics at SM.

SM & rosa -- it's just like tuyo and champorado on a cold rainy day.

in the past couple of years though, rustan's has been sneaking into my heart. it began when i worked in the court of appeals and the nearest mall was not an SM (gasp!) but robinson's with an uber tiny rustan's. and so, while i never was comfortable with the thought of entering plush rustan's makati's glittering entrance, this rustan's was more accessible to me. and, with their sales that make my eyes pop out, it wasn't long before rustan's became my dirty little secret.

i may be married to SM, but rustan's was my mistress.

since i moved back to the ortigas area, i've basically cut off my affair with rustan's. while shangri-la is nearby, sm is not only where i park but it doesn't hurt that it's accessible via fx for those afternoons that you just want to sneak out and buy something. unfortunately, twice now, SM has disappointed me with it's "surprise price changes" wherein the tag price is lower than what appears on the cash register. the excuse: they just haven't changed it yet.

yesterday, i went to rustan's alabang to pick up something i had repaired. last december i bought this cute cube tdk speaker as a gift but i never got to give it so it pretty much stayed inside my closet until last holy week when i decided to finally use it for myself. after an hour or so, it stopped working. since i couldn't return it anymore, i brought it to rustan's and with some jiggling, it worked again so the speaker went home again. after another hour, it stopped working again so i brought it back and told them that they'd have to really fix it.

that was may.

after almost three months (with one drop-by follow-up in between) they finally called me and said my speakers were fixed. when i saw the speakers however, i was disappointed. the bright orange speaker cover was dirty (and the kind of dirty one couldn't live with, not just dusty dirty). i asked for their manager and said that in no uncertain terms would i accept speakers looking like that especially since the one i turned over for repairs was clean and almost brand new. they volunteered to clean it but even the manager was shocked when we flipped it over and saw that the rubber thingees protecting the "feet" of the speakers were also worn out and falling out in some places. the verdict: give her the speaker on display.

yay.

i guess what i love about rustan's that SM can't give me is the fact that their customer service is superb. i could have created a major scene at sm and they still would not have replaced my speaker. at most, they would have sent me to the upper floors to talk to management, and they'll appease me by saying they'll do something about it, but in no way would a problem like that be resolved in five minutes. no more going back for me, no more negotiating, no more threatening. i was the customer and they wanted to make me happy. end of conversation. now THAT is the kind of service i want to experience each and every time i shell out my hard-earned money.

p.s. of course it doesn't hurt that the wrap their presents the most fantabulous way ever.

it's stupid to expect it'll work the second time around

when i think about how things happened all over again, there's a huge part of me that wishes i'd been more circumspect. i guess it's the romantic in me, thinking that him finding me all of these years was some great cosmic act. i also guess it's the optimist in me, believing that people can change themselves. after all, it's been 14 years, and 14 years can do a lot to change a person.

i should've known better.

as with the person i fell in love with in college, he was sweet, caring, and attentive. it was everything i've always wanted in a partner. he cared for me like i was his princess and gave me all the love he could give. he was always present. he was perennially concerned about me - where was i? how was i? am i home already? how was my day? how was work? what time would i leave the office?

the first time he stumbled back into his old ways, i tried brushing it aside. he "researched" on me by misleading a former student into thinking i was applying for a job in their school. said former student then called up the university and started asking questions about me. i guess i should be thankful that the person who answered was my friend, and that she knew better by calling me and confirming whether or not i was actually applying for a job. i confronted him about it and said, maybe said former student made a mistake and misunderstood what i asked her. he went on further, maybe said student just wanted to make a nice impression and thought of taking it upon herself to research about you.

stupidly, i said, okay, but don't do it again.

a month or so later, i found out he had been reading my phone's messages. and apparently, he texted a friend, pretending to be a girl from community who wanted to hook up. again, i was blessed to have a friend smart enough to confirm with me what that was all about.

at this point, everyone in my immediate circle wanted him out of my life. they kept asking, how could you trust him now?

maybe the slight desperation with which he held on to what we had reminded me a little of how difficult it was to move on after the other person has moved on without you. maybe i saw a little of myself in him. maybe i didn't want to hurt as i've been hurt in the past.

and so i stayed. i stayed in spite of the warnings, in spite of the feeling that no one wanted to listen when we had problems anymore, in spite of being unhappy in the situation i was in.

the final straw came when my mom saw his name in a comment he made on FB. she asked, is this the same guy from college? and, in a second email, sent minutes after the first one, she innocently asked - shouldn't you need police protection from this person?

it was then that everything became very clear.

this was the person who threatened to make the rest of my college life miserable after we broke up in college.

this was the person who asked me to pay him back for everything he spent on our dates and the presents he gave me while we were still together.

this was the person who would ring my phone and stay there without saying anything until i hung up.

and the questions that i ignored, i suddenly asked.

why did his ex, the mother of his child, find it so easy to leave him? how was she able to do it without looking back considering that they have a kid together?

how come he doesn't have friends he talks about? how come he doesn't have colleagues he hangs out with? how come he doesn't have other activities?

why doesn't he visit his son regularly? why didn't he make time to visit his sister when she gave birth?

for the past two weeks, he's been lashing out on me. he'd swing from being mean - calling me names and all that - to apologizing profusely saying he's just lonely. he'd also accuse me of things he thought i did, or say i don't treat him the way i treat my other friends, or claiming i toyed with his emotions. and whenever i'd take time to point out what went wrong, he'd say it was all my fault.

memories are short. and when you forget things, you pay for them dearly.

i should never have forgotten that we broke up for a reason. we didn't break up cause we were graduating and couldn't see each other any longer. we didn't break up cause we fell out of love.

we broke up cause he was going crazy on me.

and he still is.

mr. quickie, you disappoint me.

you know how its like - the moment the heel of your shoe gets pudpod or the strap of your bag breaks, you make a mad dash for mr. quickie and they, as the name implies, quickly fix up the broken thing to make it good as new. and so, when something went wrong with my mom's woven bag after two uses, she thought of sending it to me through the balikbayan box, saying "i love the bag but it's going to get destroyed unless something is done with it. services are too expensive here, you ought to bring it to mr. quickie instead."

and so i did.

you know what they said? they can't do anything about it. they don't have the machine that could reinforce the ring.

oh no, that's not what i want you to do, i told the girl. i explained how i'd want them to sew around the ring to reinforce the weaves and that maybe they can put a nice patch or something in the area. she shook her head and gestured to the repairman. i again explained to him what i wanted done and he too said it was impossible.

i went home disappointed. then i channeled my inner mcgyver-slash-martha stewart, got out my sewing kit, and began manually doing repairs on my bag.

it took an episode and a half of csi but i think it's all fixed now. tomorrow, i test run the bag :)

if someone passes you by smelling like a perfume counter, that would be me

came back a while ago from lunch with friends from jersey and their friends. their friends took them to lunch at sumo sam at shang and i was lucky enough to be invited to tag along. food was okay, although a tad bit expensive for my taste (spied the bill, thank goodness i wasn't paying). as some of you know, i'm not a big fan of japanese food in whatever form, except i guess the chibi (kiddie) meal at terriyaki boy.

anyway, this isn't about the lunch, but what i got out of the lunch.

you know how it's like when you meet up with balikbayan friends and being pinoys, they're bound to have a little something for you from the US by way of pasalubong? well, i love that moment. i'm a sucker for gifts by nature (ballpen lang, masaya na ako) and so, considering the last time they went home they surprised me with a bottle of burberry london and a cute xoxo bag, i must admit that there was some tiny part of me that was a wee bit excited as to what i'd be getting this time.

as soon as i arrived, they handed me a package. of course, i couldn't open it right there and then but i could tell it was a box that would fit my hand. i could also spy from the translucent bag that it had some sort of bow on top. and it was weighty. needless to say, i couldn't wait to open it up.

and so, within seconds of saying goodbye, as they headed to one direction and me the other, i had barely stepped on the escalator when i opened the package and saw it was a box of four perfumes in candy colors, which were "impressions of" (take note not imitation of) miami glow by jlo, lovely by sarah jessica parker, fantasy by britney spears, and with love by hilary duff. all celebrities, yes, after all it was the "celebrity fragrance collection."

probably i really just am the type who'd fail the marshmallow text cause when i got back in the office, i opened up the box and tried one perfume after the other: left wrist, left arm, right wrist, and right arm. and, oh, that's on top of the elizabeth arden green tea i put on this morning. i smell, for lack of a better word, cloying.

twenty minutes later, i can still the smell wafting up from my arms. surprisingly, i like the "impression of" with love the most, then again, it did get a good review. or, it could simply be that elizabeth arden scents and i do get along swimmingly well most of the time. (i wore sunflowers almost all of my college life). fantasy was okay although it sort of faded real quick, so quick that i couldn't really tell where on my arm i sprayed it on anymore. i could blame my nose being shocked into a coma, though, considering i applied four scents within two minutes of each other. lovely and miami glow were disappointments, miami glow more so cause i've heard so many good things about glow and how it had a clean scent which i generally love.

but before one reacts violently, it could simply be that these thoughts aren't really worth anything. after all, "impressions of" aren't really the same as the real things and who knows how the actual perfume would react with my skin chemistry.

anyway, just know that if someone passes you by later smelling like a perfume counter, don't think that a salesman waving those tiny slips of paper is running after you. it would just be me, the girl who tried on four various scents cause she couldn't wait.

one week down, another week to go

my brother calls it our very own version of pinoy big brother, but for any lingkod member, being chosen to be a member of a household is something that's highly anticipated. imagine living together in one house, doing almost everything together, and still functioning the way you do in normal life (go to work, fulfill your duties to your family, etc) is something - according to them - that must be experienced by any committed member.

i must admit that while i was excited to be invited to be a part of the household two years ago, it didn't push through due to logistical problems. they asked me to be part of it again this year and while i readily said yes in the beginning, my heart wasn't into it. as the start day drew nearer, i dreaded it so much i nearly had a fever thinking of how horrible it was going to be.

how are 9 women going to get ready to leave by 630 in the morning?

will i be able to sleep well and fucntion normally at work?

will i like them as much if i spend all that time with them as opposed to weekly prayer meetings only?

will i enjoy it or will i just have to pretend to enjoy it?

and, with all of these "petty" concerns, will i be truly able to find God without being distracted by all these?

let's just i was stupid. i've forgotten one of my favorite verses: "trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy path."

by saturday, i was so sleep deprived that all i was looking forward to was falling into bed and not stirring until the following morning. i did do that, but not after sending a text message to the 8 other sisters in my household telling them how going to bed isn't the same without the multitude of goodnights, the chattering that slows down to a murmur until the last soul falls asleep, and the night prayers where the "chanting" has become quite controversial already.

god has answered all of my issues in the first week. how will all of us take a bath? well, some of us have to shower at a sister's apartment a couple of doors away. will i be able to sleep and function normally? well, that's what weekends are for - to recharge. and thank goodness for a slightly less heavy workload. will i like them? well, no, but i LOVE them to bits! i got to be with the greatest sisters (not to mention the best cooks). will i enjoy it? most definitely.

and as for the last question - God has his way of finding my heart. no matter how much i hide it under a bushel-ful of sin, underneath pride and fake wisdom, and my type-a personality. God knows me by name, knows every bit of me, and as such, he also knows how to get through me the best possible way.

only one week to go. now, i'm wishing the experience were longer.

and so i'm back on blogger.

i guess the fact that a friend reminded me i haven't blogged in a while prompted this. i remember how i used to love writing here, how my writing muscles were flexed by the desire to put thoughts onto paper (or more appropriately, online). blogging took away the stress brought about by studying and working at the same time, the pain brought about by heartache, and the loneliness of being alone. let's just say blogging was my therapy. (aside from shoes, of course)

for a while, i poured my heart out on multiply. but then, i realized, while it was fun having people in your life just read updates from your site, it wasn't the same honesty that i had here. in blogger, i was, to a certain extent, anonymous. i shared my highs (passing the bar, winning my first case as a law intern, falling in love) as well as my lows (failing the bar when i first took it, frustrations with my job), barely holding back, knowing that not only was it cathartic for me, but that i could be me and no one from my "real world" would really know how it was like for me.

and so i'm back.

hello, blogger. hello, world.

One day I'll roll in a shiny convertible ... and arrive somewhere all dusty and hair mussed up... but who cares?

any lovely lovely convertible!

LBD...quintessential for every LADY!

Link

it's about time we focused on something else other than the rihanna episode!

belated happy valentine's day, everyone!

a post-valentine's day greeting to everyone! i hope your weekend was fun. i know mine was.

initially, my schedule was all screwed up, especially my friday. but, somehow, things fixed themselves and while getting to cabanatuan involved walking along a dark nepa-q mart and waving furiously at a passing es transit, i somehow got there in one piece and my weekend, for lack of a better work, ended up being a fantabulous one.

and so, whether you found yourself alone or with someone, with your one and only or a bunch of friends, happy or contemplative, i hope your valentine's day weekend rocked, friday the thirteenth notwithstanding. cause these days when recession is the biggest buzzword and everyone's complaining about money matters, we could all use some loving to go around.

so, hugs and kisses to everyone.

xoxo,

rosa

who knew i'd get to the point where i'd actually say time flies?

when i was a kid, i could never understand why adults would say ang bilis ng panahon. cause for me it seemed like it took forever for time to pass.

apparently, when you graduate from college and you're more or less in charge with your own life, time actually does fly.

the reality of it struck me when i mentioned an old officemate mentioned how she wanted to tap me for this project but thought twice about it since one of their resource persons happened to be my ex.

so she asked me, would i be okay with that? of course, i said. come on. it's been six years since i last talked to him.

then it hit me - it's been six years? if that were a child, that child will be on his way to grade school come june.

as if that weren't enough, when i did a lecture at ua&p the other day, one of the students came up to me, an employee who was relatively new when i joined the school, and said how proud she was to finally call me "attorney." then she asked - as people always do - when did i join ua&p and when did i leave them.

1999, i said, and i left 2005.

wow. 1999 meant ten years ago, i was about to embark on what i thought would be a lifelong career in the academe. ten years ago, i began my masters degree in education (to which i finished all the coursework, passed the comprehensive exams, but never completed the thesis requirement). ten years ago, i was young, hopeful, ready to take on the world, and becoming a lawyer was the farthest thing from my mind. ten years ago, i was 21.

so much has changed since then. i've gained more friends, weight, and a degree. i've changed jobs at least twice. i now know that straight hair can be only achieved either by a chemical process that involves hours and hours sitting in a parlor chair or by mechanically ironing my hair. i've become catholic again. i've deleted certain people from my life and added some. i learned to drive, wrecked a car, and bought spike. i've been through three laptops. my two bestfriends are now married while a third passed away before he could tie the knot. i've gone through several cellphones and simcards already.

when you break it down that way, i'm not really sure if time flew or i just wasn't so aware of what i did the last ten years of my life.

soundtrack of my life

a while back, apryll tagged me to list ten songs - shameful tunes included - that will appear after you hit shuffle. as i was reading bunny's blog - a blog i've been reading since forever - i came across something similar, although it's more of the soundtrack of one's life.

i'm taking a risk by hitting shuffle on mine and actually posting here the songs that come out. i'm just hoping they're not too embarassing.

RULES:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Media Player, iPod, Winamp etc.)
2. Put it on shuffle.
3. Press play.
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing.
5. When you go to the next question,press the next button.
6. Don’t lie and pretend you’re cool.
7. When you’re finished, tag some other people to do it!

————

A. Opening credits:
Wonderwall by Oasis
(Oh, so college! I super loved this song then.)

B. Waking up:
A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton
(This only means one thing: If you're from the south like I am, each day is marked by a long commute to work!)

C. First Day of School:
I Wish You Were Here by Incubus
(Hmmm... I don't think I even cried on my first day of school. I was actually super excited. Goes to show the nerd I really am.)

D. Falling in love:
Explosive by Bond
(Instrumental ... hmmm .... but then again isn't that how it feels? Like there are firecrackers going off?)

E. First song:
Cool With You by Jennifer Love Hewitt
(Ha ha ha ... if there's one thing I'm not, it's cool, calm, and collected.)

F. Breaking up:
Friday I'm In Love by The Cure
(Break-up na nga, in love pa rin. Positive talaga!)

G. Prom:
Satellite by Natalie Imbruglia

H. Life:
It's Over Now by Neve
(bakit naman over?)

I. Mental breakdown:
The Next Time I Fall by Peter Cetera
(Yun yun eh ... Clearly every time I fall in love its tantamount to a mental breakdown - all logic escapes. Bad Bad Bad ... no more na.)

J. Driving:
Piano in the Dark by Brenda Russel
(Ok ... I know I have this on my playlist. Kahiya.)

K. Flashback:
Angels or Devils by Dishwalla

L. Getting back together:
Higher Ground by Red Hot Chilli Peppers

M. Wedding:
Fallen by Lauren Wood

N. Birth of a child:
You've Got a Friend by James Taylor

O. Final battle:
More Today than Yesterday by Goldfinger

P. Death scene:
Someday We'll Know by New Radicals

Q. Funeral song:
Reptilia by The Strokes
(Now, I don't think I've ever even listened to this song! Hahahaha. Goes to show that of the 780 songs in my iPod, I listen to less than a hundred of them.)

R. End credits:
You Raise Me Up by Josh Groban
(Why not? Ang ibig sabihin lang niyan, when all is said and done, magbigay pugay naman kayo. Ha Ha Ha.

cute blogger award (or what you must really know about me)

Here are the rules for this award:

1. Each blogger must post these rules.
2. Each blogger starts with ten random facts/habits about themselves.
3. Blogger that are tagged, need to write ten facts about themselves. You need to choose ten people to tag and list their names.

Here's my own list:

1. i've always teased people that i have five friends only. i think i have more ... but this simply means that notwithstanding the seemingly friendly facade and the ease with which i relate to people, i have a difficult time maintaining relationships. but i'd like to think that i am a loyal and loving friend, and once you've got me on your side, i'll love you and defend you and stand by you until i decide to stop.

2. 2006 was the toughest but also the brightest year in my life. that year, i found out i flunked the bar examinations. but that year, too, i found God working miracles every single day of my life. he gave me the remulla family who has virtually "adopted" me, he gave me lingkod, and he gave me new friends. and most of all, he gave me the grace to plow through all the materials again without any bitterness, rancor, or anger.

3. the songs on my ipod, put together, do not make much sense. i have worship songs and glam rock songs. i have fall out boy and britney spears. a year ago, i added a couple of pussycat dolls songs - which i happen to love with a passion - and a couple of months ago, ABB encouraged me to explore my musical horizons so i added an entire album of the primitives and some other artists i can't remember now. and you know what, i actually listen to all of them!

4. i am not a big fan of the beach. i prefer going somewhere cool like baguio or tagaytay than the beach. hence, i've never been to boracay.

5. i love tuyo. i can eat tuyo every single day if it won't kill my kidneys doing that. in high school, i had it all the time one summer vacation so much so that when a classmate made a surprise visit one day, i couldn't invite him to eat lunch with me cause all the made prepared was tuyo and scrambled eggs.

6. my first course in UP was molecular biology and biotechnology. i had visions of creating my own jurassic park. seriously, i just wanted a cool pre-med course.

7. my biggest insecurity used to be the fact that i couldn't drive. the summer before college, i took driving lessons and got my license when i turned 18. my parents, however, never really trusted me behind the wheel so i never really drove. an ex-boyfriend attempted to help me learn how to drive so that i can share in driving duties since i lived so far away from him but eventually gave up when he felt that i was a lost cause. it wasn't until i was 25 and unable to commute because of an operation that i really forced myself to drive. in tita mayu's words - "lata lang yan. pag nasira, eh di ipagawa."

8. my brother, in describing me to his friends, has always referred to me as "my smart sister." when i met his friends after his accident, i was surprised when one of them blurted out "di ka naman pala pangit." apparently, the entire time that was what they thought "smart sister" meant.

9. had it not been for my mom doing my home economics projects, i may not have been able to graduate from high school. in fact, i think the only thing i did was the cooking and baking part which, thankfully, i love.

10. in csa, we used to sing "yahweh you are near" all the time. it was a long song so it was sufficient so that all ten sections of my batch could take communion. singing it was very mechanical until i realized that my adult life is truly exemplified by the words of that song - i have run away from his grace and love so many times and he has pursued me relentlessly. i fear the day that i'll run away and i won't find him chasing after me.

hmmm... ten people who i want to answer this:

1. maxeene
2. pazi
3. anto
4. theo
5. annsley
6. carla
7. lestie
8. rashel <-- who knows what we may be able to add to "the list"!!!!
9. paolo
10. dek

it's the most wonderful time of the year!

before i buckle down and get to work, let me just say that all drama aside, i'd like to think that my holidays were simply smashing

1. week-long "vacation" at tita mayu's house ... just like when i was a kid
2. never-ending bonding with pazi and anto ... from our SM sucat trip with theo, to that night at central, to a trip to the parlor, to our second trip at central with ann and shrek, to coffee at figaro. for the record, i am glad that anto can now drive and that, like pazi and unlike me, masipag siya maghatid. sana parati ganito
   
3. road trip to ek with theo ... and never making it inside the theme park because of the sheer volume of people.
4. mini-reunion with gay and rache. it was crazy cold at bo's coffee and time was too short to really catch up on stuff. but it was great knowing that all those months apart still hasn't changed the friendship that began with "parang nanalo siya sa lotto" and was cemented by all the coffee we ingested at the old starbucks at the corner of orosa and UN ave.
   
5. videoke ... a first for me ... with anto, luke, theo, and jenny. of course i "recited" instead of singing.
6. mmff "marathon" (if you could call two movies a marathon) with ABB which was crazy fun. how i wish we got to watch shake, rattle, and roll too!
   

2008, unfortunately, wasn't the happiest year for me. but there's always 2009. and, for the record, i can't wait to see what it'll bring.