what now, brown cow?

with my MCLE (mandatory continuing legal education)3/4 done, i can't help but ask myself, what now, brown cow?

you see, here's the drill:

at MCLE i ran across my high school classmate who's now married and working with her husband at the permanent court of arbitration at the hague.

at MCLE i ran across my law school blockmate who's now expecting his first baby with his college girlfriend who's also a lawyer.

at MCLE i ran across my law school crush who, as part of his compensation package, gets to go out on foreign trips yearly where he gets to bring his wife for free.

heck, let's make it more mababaw. at MCLE, i ran across a whole lot of lawyers who have macbook pros.

and there i was, 32 years old, earning significantly less than what i was earning when i was in the government, single, and feeling like there's so much i can do but am limited by where i am and the decisions i've made.

sometimes i question myself, question why am i where i am today. did it begin when i chose education in college? and when i "corrected" that by going to law school, did i screw that one up by not excelling when i should have? and should I have stayed in government service? and when i finally decided to do litigation, did i pick the wrong firm?

so many questions. i feel like i'm chasing after so many things that are running even faster away from me. then i ask myself, is it all about money? will i be happier only if i am given more money? but money can't give me all my dreams on a silver platter.

from the girl who thought she knew what she wanted and where she wanted to go, i've been reduced to a ball of doubt. where's the girl who was so proud to have made it to UP law? where's the girl who managed to pass the bar while working full time? where's the me that i loved so much?

no answers for now. maybe no answers for a while. but i hope there will be eventually. at 32, it's never to late to change things. but i won't be 32 forever. and so, although i seek the answers with caution, i should also remember that there are times when i just have to throw all caution to the wind and jump.