it's stupid to expect it'll work the second time around

when i think about how things happened all over again, there's a huge part of me that wishes i'd been more circumspect. i guess it's the romantic in me, thinking that him finding me all of these years was some great cosmic act. i also guess it's the optimist in me, believing that people can change themselves. after all, it's been 14 years, and 14 years can do a lot to change a person.

i should've known better.

as with the person i fell in love with in college, he was sweet, caring, and attentive. it was everything i've always wanted in a partner. he cared for me like i was his princess and gave me all the love he could give. he was always present. he was perennially concerned about me - where was i? how was i? am i home already? how was my day? how was work? what time would i leave the office?

the first time he stumbled back into his old ways, i tried brushing it aside. he "researched" on me by misleading a former student into thinking i was applying for a job in their school. said former student then called up the university and started asking questions about me. i guess i should be thankful that the person who answered was my friend, and that she knew better by calling me and confirming whether or not i was actually applying for a job. i confronted him about it and said, maybe said former student made a mistake and misunderstood what i asked her. he went on further, maybe said student just wanted to make a nice impression and thought of taking it upon herself to research about you.

stupidly, i said, okay, but don't do it again.

a month or so later, i found out he had been reading my phone's messages. and apparently, he texted a friend, pretending to be a girl from community who wanted to hook up. again, i was blessed to have a friend smart enough to confirm with me what that was all about.

at this point, everyone in my immediate circle wanted him out of my life. they kept asking, how could you trust him now?

maybe the slight desperation with which he held on to what we had reminded me a little of how difficult it was to move on after the other person has moved on without you. maybe i saw a little of myself in him. maybe i didn't want to hurt as i've been hurt in the past.

and so i stayed. i stayed in spite of the warnings, in spite of the feeling that no one wanted to listen when we had problems anymore, in spite of being unhappy in the situation i was in.

the final straw came when my mom saw his name in a comment he made on FB. she asked, is this the same guy from college? and, in a second email, sent minutes after the first one, she innocently asked - shouldn't you need police protection from this person?

it was then that everything became very clear.

this was the person who threatened to make the rest of my college life miserable after we broke up in college.

this was the person who asked me to pay him back for everything he spent on our dates and the presents he gave me while we were still together.

this was the person who would ring my phone and stay there without saying anything until i hung up.

and the questions that i ignored, i suddenly asked.

why did his ex, the mother of his child, find it so easy to leave him? how was she able to do it without looking back considering that they have a kid together?

how come he doesn't have friends he talks about? how come he doesn't have colleagues he hangs out with? how come he doesn't have other activities?

why doesn't he visit his son regularly? why didn't he make time to visit his sister when she gave birth?

for the past two weeks, he's been lashing out on me. he'd swing from being mean - calling me names and all that - to apologizing profusely saying he's just lonely. he'd also accuse me of things he thought i did, or say i don't treat him the way i treat my other friends, or claiming i toyed with his emotions. and whenever i'd take time to point out what went wrong, he'd say it was all my fault.

memories are short. and when you forget things, you pay for them dearly.

i should never have forgotten that we broke up for a reason. we didn't break up cause we were graduating and couldn't see each other any longer. we didn't break up cause we fell out of love.

we broke up cause he was going crazy on me.

and he still is.