Tuesday, June 28, 2011

closed for renovations

things haven't been hunky dory in rosa-land recently. i blame the weather, hormones, season 7 of grey's anatomy, and SM withdrawal, not necessarily in that order. in a perfect universe, the PMS-y attitude will go away once ... well, once THAT happens, but this is not a perfect universe. so i'm still grumpy, irritated, extremely short-tempered, and unhappy.

in any case, i've come up with a list of things that'll be imposed in MY life ... up until further notice. you see, i've figured that most of my heartache comes from disappointments, especially when things i'm passionate about just don't pan out (the way i want them ... yes, i am a control freak like that. or spoiled, depending on who's talking. haha!). so without further adieu (i began writing this at 9am thereabouts ... and look at the time now!), the LIST:

1. punctuality is overrated

last sunday, i texted a friend and that friend texted someone else and we ended up scheduling a late lunch together. since i was doing my grey's anatomy marathon, and since i had just loaded up the washing machine, i asked if we could meet up at 1:30pm. they told me to finish my washing later cause someone had to be at a 3pm meeting. so i said okay.

i ended up arriving at 1:10pm due to parking problems. one texted "five minutes" only to arrive 24 minutes later (yes, i am OC about time like that). another one -- no idea whether she was oblivious to the time or what not -- passed by mr. quickie first and arrived at around 1:30 already. no one apologized for being late.

waiting irritates me. waiting without knowing where the person i'm waiting for irritates me all the more. waiting and finding out later that the person was late cause she finished an episode of what she was watching and couldn't be bothered to be early irritates me the most. but, since irritation is the most i can feel for friends i love dearly (all was forgotten as soon as mushroom chicken mushroom was ordered and mozarella thingees were served), i've decided that (1) i will be uber late myself; or (2) i will automatically add half an hour to the appointed meeting time and only arrive then; or (3) i will shave off half an hour from the time i actually have to meet with them and arrive only at the actual time.

maybe this will save me from a lot of "wru?" text messages ... or maybe not.

2. passion is overrated

i am passionate about things. so while i don't cry when i watch movies and i don't feel bad for dismissed employees (pro employer all the way, ha! ha!), when things that i feel passionate about don't go the way i firmly believe they should go, i feel horrible.

horrible as in eat lots of chocolate horrible. as in "i will buy that even if i don't know what to do with it" horrible (hence the bazillions of pillowcases bought over the summer). as in you'll-be-sorry-you're-my-friend-cause-i'll-text-you-about-it-all-the-time horrible. so i felt bad when the HK vacation with my mom and brother got all messed up because they'd rather sleep in the hotel. and i felt bad when i believed management was doing a cop out decision over something. and i felt bad when people in community say okay lang yan when something could've been done better.

so beginning today, i will only be passionate about things that i can control. i can be passionate about keeping the dining table free from random junk. i can be passionate about changing the sheets weekly. i can be passionate about getting to be by 10pm so i get the requisite 7.5 hours of sleep. i will not be passionate about schedules and work-related stuff that are out of my control.

3. indifference is king

i once read that the opposite of love isn't hate but indifference. eventually, i realized it to be true, and i saw how the best way to make someone panic is to show the other person how little you actually care about the situation.

the past couple of months, i couldn't even begin to understand why some people around me could be so indifferent about stuff. they simply didn't care -- i'd discuss with them something that (at least to me) seemed so earth-shattering and they'd say, "ganun talaga dito." the first month, i was all like, "i want to be model employee" and i heard nothing from them except a sarcastic "good luck". worse, i'd see people mocking those who made a big deal out of these things. then it hit me: indifference isn't only the opposite of love, it was a coping mechanism. being indifferent meant they didn't care either way, so if it didn't pan out the way they wanted it to, well, at least, they didn't feel anything about it in the first place. how positively ... astute?

this morning, probably still a bundle of negative energy from all the upset-ness (no such word, but couldn't think of an apt one) of yesterday, i sent this text message to a good friend: i have decided that ... i'll make a checklist of stuff for myself and i'll stick with my checklist for now - no emotions first, no feelings, just pure unadulterated focus on what has to get done. i figured i sort of screw myself up cause i allow myself to be nice, sweet, and horribly invested in things - work, relationships, service. so no emotions first.

i'm not exactly sure how it'll turn out. but maybe, just maybe, i'll be less stressed come december.

p.s. and if the plan doesn't work, i'm hoping that at least the shangri-la mactan thing with tita celia pushes through. i sooooo need a couple of days of just doing nothing but basking in shangri-la goodness.

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