family

i remember posting something, either on facebook or on twitter, and a friend replied by saying, "aren't you supposed to be happy these days?"

you see, my mom is home for the first time in 8 years. she's been telling us that she'll visit one of these days -- supposedly when i graduated from law school, then when i was taking the bar -- but none of those trips panned out. my dad was here the year i took the lawyer's oath and signed the roll of attorneys, but unfortunately, he arrived weeks after the fact. sometime march or april of this year, my mom finally booked a ticket and told us that finally, she was on her way home for a two-week vacation.

the word excited didn't exactly capture how i felt when i heard the news. as i type this, i can see from the corner of my eye the hot pink post-it note pad where i first scrawled her flight details. my i-google home page counted the days until her arrival. and, for the first time in years, i planned a family vacation. once more, it was going to be me, my mom, and my brother, and we were going to have loads of fun.

reality, unfortunately, isn't always the same as fantasy.

after yet another particularly stressful evening, where i found myself in tears, i couldn't help but ask myself, why the heck did they give us families for if our hearts are meant to be broken every single time?

then i remembered a quote from sex and the city: the most important thing in life is your family. there are days you love them, and others you don't, but in the end, they're the people you always come home to. sometimes it's the family you're born into and sometimes its the one you make for yourself.

i've been horribly disappointed over and over again by my family, but i have to remember that in the last 8 years, i have built a wonderful "family" around myself. i have been blessed by people who loved, and continue to love, me in spite of myself. and so, i may be hurting right now, but i am buoyed by the knowledge that God knows my hurts, and he knows how to soothe my pains. and i know too that when the going gets too tough, i can always run to people who i know love and care for me as if i were part of their family too.

i am loved, and it shouldn't really matter anymore who's doing the loving.

update (at 1:55 p.m.) - had to ask clients to come to sign something and they came with something from mary grace. now, my language of love is gifts, so i felt the love loud and clear. thank you, client, and thank you Lord for making sure this happened today of all days.