Saturday, July 16, 2011

two less lonely people in the world

basking in the joy that can only come with finding a new love, my friend has been tweeting "two less lonely people in the world" almost daily for more than a month now. and while someone else's luck in the love department usually has this way of highlighting how utterly alone i am, i'd like to think that i love this particular friend so dearly, and has been witness to so much of his own heartaches and frustrations in the heart department that i couldn't help but cheer him along each step of the way.

it's crazy how when i was in college, i never expected to be 34 and single, and with no prospects in sight. i can't help but remember how in this interview, a prospective boss asked me if i had plans of getting married and my answer was, "not in the immediate future." maybe i was just too engrossed in pleasing said prospective boss (the HR girl had "tipped" me that she was also single) but with one ovary left and a utterly diseased uterus, i'm beginning to think that me, the girl who dated with a vengeance in college and in law school is truly meant to live the single life.

so, as i was on my way home last night with a couple of friends, i pathetically (because really, it was!) warbled, "one less lonely person in the world," and when asked to explain, i reasoned that with acceptance comes peace. i'd like to believe that i had come to terms that should i have been designated by God to be single for the rest of my life, and i'm fairly okay with it. of course, i knew i'd probably miss out on certain aspects of my fantasy life (yes, i have elaborate scenarios in my head how married life will be like, and it includes a daughter named ava - pronounced ey-va - and a son whose name will be paolo niccolo, and how they'll proudly write their parents' alma matter in their college application forms and how my daughter will be a fourth generation iskolar ng bayan and how my son will probably be some gwapo genius walking around the halls of the ateneo just like his dad) but how can you "miss out" on a life you never had, right?

and ironically, the pseudo-relationships i've had in the past couple of years has left me pretty much frustrated and wanting out within a week after a while. i get frustrated with the roller coaster of emotions, and am torn between being used to doing things for myself by myself and the desire to finally share things with someone. just this week, a friend "introduced" me to his friend and while we haven't officially met yet (it's your good old fashioned -- well not so old fashioned -- textmate. oooh, the shame just kills me!), i'm getting slightly exhausted when he turns into this pretend-whiny person and texts me "huhuhu" when i'm just too busy to reply. clearly, i'm not 18 anymore, and at the end of the day, it's not romance that i'm craving for (although flowers and presents still get to me! haha) but stability, reliability, maturity, and friendship.

yes, there, i've said it. if i were going to get myself a happily ever after, it's going to have to be with someone who i know inside out, someone who i can stand in spite of, say, my dislike for the slacks-and-rubbershoes combo. someone who i would proudly introduce to my family and friends even if i very well know that this person's looks will illicit raised eyebrows. it'll have to be someone who i respect, someone whose judgment i trust, the first person i'd call when something great happens, and the person i know who'd be there if i got into a major accident. it would have to be a good friend.

and, much unlike the lyrics of the song, we're not going to be two less lonely people in the world, cause we were never lonely to begin with. we were complete without each other to begin with. and it's not like we're going to be saying "i just can't believe you're mine" because it's going to be believable because it's a decision made not only with our hearts but also with our minds.

don't hold your breath though, cause i'm not holding mine.

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