people, post bar, treat me either of two ways: (1) as if the bar flunking incident didn't happen, or (2) as if i'm going to break down the moment i open my mouth.

either way isn't really good.

yes, i may put up a good facade and i may have done a good job of "containing" my disappointment over what has happened to a single night of crying but at the end of the day, i still did flunk the bar and it's going to take at least another year before things may get back to normal. i have a schedule and i intend to stick to it, i want to pass this damn thing once and for all, and i want to get it all behind me. but i hurt and once in a while i feel the urge to turn off all the lights in my room and just break down like i did exactly one week ago.

but don't worry. i won't break down in front of you. so please talk to me and don't avoid me simply cause you don't know what to say. you can tell me, "fuck rosa, you didn't study, no?" or something like, "ok lang yan, mas madami naman kayong bumagsak." you can make fun of the entire exercise or you can bitch slap me for being the lazy ass i was. we can joke about how i should have started studying after i missed that question on quedans or how stupid i was for not knowing what a notice of appeal should contain notwithstanding the fact that i must have seen ten of those already.

while i cannot say with conviction that there is life beyond the bar, we can sweep that sad fact under the rug and go on with life as we always have. because, really, what's done is done and tomorrow is always another opportunity to rectify the mistakes i've made in the past. just be the friend you've always been to me: ready to hold my hand, ready to laugh with me at the most insignifant of things, and confident in the thought that when i've said "i can do this" in the past, i always was able to pull it through.