been crazy/exhausted with everything recently. i've finished my first pass at political law and labor law already and i'm two days into civil law. somehow, i managed to meet my april quota before the month ended and the enormous pile of resolutions to be, well, resolved has dwindled to a manageable pile. while life hasn't been a bed of roses, it's been good. somehow, having all of these things on my plate has given me the focus i didn't have going into the bar season the first time around.

i've also found myself regularly parked in starbucks recently. i rush over there after work and hope to the high heavens that i get a page read for every peso i spend there. that means if i get a grande chocolate cream with mint, i'd have to be able to get a 140 pages read before i go home. with best-seller exciting kick-ass novel, that's pretty easy to do. with a dry, boring, huge law book written by men like jurado, that's sheer torture. with a frap, it becomes bearable; with airconditioner, it becomes possible; with a coffee freebie in a tiny cup, it's even possible to read beyond the coverage for the day.

p.s. with starboys #2 chatting with me whenever he's on his 15-minute break, it's heaven. he he.

dear person-in-charge at etc, etc 2nd avenue, and crime suspense,

hi, my name is rosa and i'm one of the biggest fans of your channels. i swear ever since our pathetic dirt cheap amazing cable provider finally decided to include you in their channel line-up, i have all but stopped watching star world and axn.

but then lest you you think this is another fan mail, i better get straight to the point.

for the life of me i do not get your programming.

see, i've always had this vision that when you "purchase" a series, they come numbered basically telling you which to show first, second, and so on. and based on a lifetime of watching television, once a series starts, it goes on from episode one all the way to the last episode.

apparently, it's not the way you do things over at your channels. i was lucky enough to have caught the first episode of project runway. i was so enamored with the program that i made a note in my planner that project runway is on at 8pm every monday and in case i miss it, the replay's going to be on a sunday at 9pm.

so imagine my surprise when the week after you showed episode one all over again.

unfazed (i thought "maybe they just want to make sure everyone gets hooked), i tuned in again the following week and was rewarded with episode number two, and the week after that, with episode number three. and then after that - for reasons i cannot explain, you showed episodes two and three AGAIN. then you showed episodes four, five, and six, only to inexplicably replay the same episodes all over again.

at this rate, i don't know how long it'll take for you to finally show the entire series. and lest you think i'm making things up, i've had the same sad experience with "beauty and the geek", "bones", and even "showbiz moms and dad" (i was bored!).

i know you want to stretch a series for as long as you can, especially since it'll be a while before you guys can get the second season to feed your viewers but come on. at least show the entire run before you begin the replays.

your shoe-turned-tv whore,

rosa

i <3 starboy#2

after i completed the requisite stickers for my starbucks planner, starboy from manila pavilion all but disappeared from my mind. save for the occassional trip to starbucks to buy overpriced coffee with my officemates, i haven't thought of starbucks for a while, nor has starboy crossed my mind. it was as if my infatuation never existed.

last wednesday though i checked out the merits of starbucks at sm sucat and found it not only to be an appropriate place for studying but the workplace of a tall, fair, and positively lovely male specimen.

so guess who found her way to starbucks again after work today? me me me!

and thanks to starboy #2, i was able to finish my reading quota for the day (and then some).

starbucks coffee may put a major dent on my pocket and may prevent me from any serious shopping sprees in the near future but if starbucks sucat means serious studying plus serious "crushing", then i may just have to rethink my monthly budget anew.

since i learned that i didn't pass the 2005 bar, my coping mechanism has consisted of two things: (1) burying myself under my kick-ass schedule for the 2006 bar; and (2)burying myself under a whole lot of work. so far, it has worked, especially when i've tried to limit my contact with the outside world with random trips to the mall and a few select group of people who i know will force me to study each and every millisecond of my free time. after two weeks of studying political law in between writing resolution after resolution, i felt my ego was finally intact to venture into the real world.

what i didn't figure out was that the 150 kilometer trip to nueva ecija would be punctuated by banner after banner of congratulatory messages for the blessed individuals who passed the 2005. with each banner fluttering in the wind, i felt more and more of a failure. by the time i reached my aunt's doorstep, i was ready to promise myself that when i pass the 2006 bar, i am going to buy myself the biggest, boldest, brightest, and most boudacious banner my savings can buy and plaster it along the NLEX.

well, then again, maybe not. but you get the idea.

incidentally, it's post easter and i've survived the 40-day lenten season without succumbing to the lure of buying footwear for myself. that included countless of mall sales, including one where they were selling this pair of hot pink ballet flats that i've wanted for more than a year for P299 and in my size!!! tomorrow, i'll finally head out to the mall and check out if they still have that lovely, but quite saucy, heels from chinese laundry. and if they do, then i guess i'll just have to find more room in my already "full to the brim" shoe cabinet for yet another pair.

and if they don't, well, there's always fino and my bag addiction that i can feed.

sometimes, you can really say a person's age by what she asks a balikbayan to bring home.

when i was all of five years old, before my ninong migrated to the US, i solemnly told him to send home two things: snow and clouds. and where would i put it, he asked me. in one of those bags where they put fish when you buy it in the palengke, i answered back. i also told him to wait until the airplane was at its highest peak before opening the window to catch me some cummulus clouds, using of course the same type of supot.

when i grew older, balikbayans meant toys, and toys, at one point, meant for me those dolls that can talk. "make sure she can say bad words, ok?" i told my dad once.

after i got into educ and everything related to teaching was really exciting, i'd order school supplies from the US. and then when i started working for ua&p, i'd "shop" online and leave detailed instructions regarding what pair of shoes to buy or the exact bag i wanted. i'd make wishlists from luxe shops like coach to retail stores like target and send them to my mom AND dad to make sure that if and when they decide to get me something, they'd know exactly what my heart desires.

yesterday, i met up with my balikbayan aunt and guess what my bag contained. shoes (there will always be a pair of shoes no doubt about it) and a whole lot of make-up.

who knew that one day i'd morph into this person who'd actually enjoy receiving make-up.

(and who knew too that my cousin and i, who'd had a major spat since her 18th birthday more than ten years ago, would get to bond over face powder and blush and lipgloss and have actually made plans, for the first time in years, to have lunch soon.)

when you're down and out, there's nothing like the story of the underdog to help you feel hopeful about the next couple of steps you'll be taking.

and my underdog story happens to be about the person who finished 9th place in the bar which i failed to pass. all this time i've always looked at that list and told myself, no way am i going to see my name on that list and i've always believed that these people are those who have the internal self-discipline that i so do not have.

and i've always figured that they are those to whom success is second nature. boy, was i terribly wrong.

cause person #9 was kicked out of two schools before finally graduating from philippine law school, then took the bar one or two times before finally passing, and making it to #9. talk about passing it in style.

my inspiration, right there.

amazing huh?

p.s. turns out i can't study shit when i'm home. the entire day yesterday i think i read less than what i'd read, say, when i'm plugged on to my ipod mini and sitting at my desk at work. tsk. tsk.

what this means: i made the right decision opting to work while reviewing.

people, post bar, treat me either of two ways: (1) as if the bar flunking incident didn't happen, or (2) as if i'm going to break down the moment i open my mouth.

either way isn't really good.

yes, i may put up a good facade and i may have done a good job of "containing" my disappointment over what has happened to a single night of crying but at the end of the day, i still did flunk the bar and it's going to take at least another year before things may get back to normal. i have a schedule and i intend to stick to it, i want to pass this damn thing once and for all, and i want to get it all behind me. but i hurt and once in a while i feel the urge to turn off all the lights in my room and just break down like i did exactly one week ago.

but don't worry. i won't break down in front of you. so please talk to me and don't avoid me simply cause you don't know what to say. you can tell me, "fuck rosa, you didn't study, no?" or something like, "ok lang yan, mas madami naman kayong bumagsak." you can make fun of the entire exercise or you can bitch slap me for being the lazy ass i was. we can joke about how i should have started studying after i missed that question on quedans or how stupid i was for not knowing what a notice of appeal should contain notwithstanding the fact that i must have seen ten of those already.

while i cannot say with conviction that there is life beyond the bar, we can sweep that sad fact under the rug and go on with life as we always have. because, really, what's done is done and tomorrow is always another opportunity to rectify the mistakes i've made in the past. just be the friend you've always been to me: ready to hold my hand, ready to laugh with me at the most insignifant of things, and confident in the thought that when i've said "i can do this" in the past, i always was able to pull it through.

anyone who has a brother who's hooked up with a totally inappropriate girl you hated at first sight can totally relate to the totally evil thoughts that are brewing inside my brain now. the "flourshit" (aptly christened by my favorite cousin-in-law -- thank god for cousins who choose totally appropriate girls to bring into the family) is in the bedroom adjacent to mine and has totally ruined my groove. i had envisioned arriving at an empty house and was totally surprised when i saw my brother's car in the garage. now, given that flourshit and my brother are presently joined at the hip, i've no doubt that she's here as well.

*gaaaah*

so much for having a good night.

incidentally, i realized that i promised i'd stay single and boyfriend-free until i pass the bar.

dang.

that's another year ... AT LEAST!

paota. old maid na ako.

who knew...

... that the only way i can get my ex to stop making sexual advances on the phone is to tell him to stop doing it.

first time he did it, i got mad. the next couple of times i made a joke every time he asked me about it. once, i asked him if the rumor (about him actually doing this to his female acquaintances) was true and he got pissed over that. the last time he did it, i told him point blank that i am awfully uncomfortable whenever he does what he does. he then made up some excuse to hang up and that was when i said to myself, "ok, that's the last i'll ever hear from him in a while."

surprise, surprise. he called today and he asked me how i was and how my day was and all that, AND HE NEVER BROUGHT IT UP, NOT EVEN ONCE.

thank god for small miracles.

shout out!
thanks to everyone who sent lovely, comforting words my way. i love you all, even if i haven't formally "met" most of you. so as not to jinx (or put a whole lotta pressure on me) whatever future career plans i may have, i'll try to be silent on that aspect of my life first. your never ending prayers will be oh-so welcome though so i hope you keep them coming.

since i can only mourn and act depressed for so long, i packed my bags and moved to where there is unlimited dsl internet access, food all day long, and family at every turn: i went to my aunt's house in qc.

of course, i have to deal with the disappointing looks my cousins throw my way. they used to look at me with awe in their eyes. now i'm just a normal human being to them. (i think i was able to redeem myself a little when i was able to explain to my cousin what the term "big brother" implies. thank god for that.)

now, i can only write about the bar and my feelings towards it so much. but before i close that chapter in my life, thanks to everyone who sent lovely thoughts my way. funny how the people who did pass the bar sort of find themselves unable to make contact with you, as if you would lash out at them or something simply because they're now lawyers and you arent, and funny how people who also didn't make it beat a path toward your doorstep and you all begin comparing notes and deciding together if september 2006 is too early to go through the entire thing all over again.

i've decided what i'm going to do. thank god for small miracles in the form (1) hard-headedness; (2) stubborness; and (3) an infinite feeling of "fuck the world i KNOW i can do this.

now, moving on to fun stuff, lemme do the survey ara tagged me with:

four jobs i've had in my life:
1. cashier at the family business
2. pre-school teacher
3. college teacher
4. executive assistant V-CT (basically that means "i do everything that a lawyer does with lesser pay and no RATA")

four films i can watch over and over again
1. legally blonde
2. silence of the lambs
3. bring it on
4.

four places i have lived
1. cubao, quezon city
2. pilar village, las pinas
3. diliman, quezon city
4. bf homes, las pinas

four tv programs i love to watch
1. one tree hill
2. csi - las vegas & new york
3. sex and the city
4. project runway

four places i would have visited, if i had the money
1. usa (and all the outlet stores from one end of the coast to the other)
2. paris
3. rome
4. bangkok (over and over and over again)

four websites i visit daily
1. gmail
2. e-online
3. my blog
4. other people's blogs (ok, fine, this is cheating)

four of my favorite foods
1. gourmet tuyo
2. bee cheng hiang's pork jerky
3. bacon
4. pork barbecue

four places i would rather be
1. at the mall, shopping
2. at the beach, lounging
3. in a hotel room, reading a good book
4. in a place where all you need is a law degree to become a lawyer

four bloggers i am tagging
1. christie
2. and everyone else on my list.