the missing cross pen

a long time ago, a friend's mom gave her a parker pen for something i can't remember now. i do remember that it was silver and had her name on it, and to my teenage mind, it was something so special, something that would make ME feel special had i been the recipient of the pen, so i asked my mom, "how come you never gave me anything like that."

her reply: "cause you lose things"

the answer didn't make me feel any better, but i guess at that time, i understood what she meant.

a couple of years later, when i was in college, my dad, for some reason, send me a silver and gold cross pen. that, for me, was a dream come true. i felt truly special, and all the major envy i felt in high school, plus the hurt that came with my mom's words, went away.

and then i lost it.

but since i didn't want my mom to say "i told you so", i scraped up the money to buy a replacement and none was the wiser.

then my wallet got stolen and since i had put the pen inside that wallet (it was a checkbook wallet), i lost the pen that i bought to replace the lost pen.

years and years later, when i was in law school, i saw a classmate with a classic lady's cross pen (the one without that thing you use to hook the pen on shirt pockets) and i remembered all the good feelings that came with having a cross pen. so once more, i saved and saved until i had enough money to buy myself a cross pen. a couple of months later, the person i was dating then bought me the matching cross pencil. it was love, it was happiness, and, shallow as it may be, i felt whole.

yesterday, i opened my pencil case and realized that the cross pen wasn't there. i remember using it at last friday's hearing, and again to sign some papers when i was at tuloy afterwards. so i placed a note on my phone to remind me to look for the pen when i got home. i emptied out the bag i used last friday (and was even tempted to tear out the lining) but it wasn't there. i emptied out the bag i used yesterday (maybe i had ended up transferring it?) but it wasn't there either. my last resort was the portfolio i brought to the hearing last friday, which i had left in my office. when i got here, i immediately checked it out. guess what: it wasn't there either.

now that i'm a lawyer and definitely earning more than when i was a teacher and had to save up for my law education, i know i can easily find the money to buy a replacement cross pen. it won't be cheap, but its possible to do. except that i want that cross pen, and i am mad at myself for losing it. the last i remember, i was slipping it inside my bad after i had signed some documents for our client. where is it now?

i'm praying to saint anthony that i find it. and i'm praying that inasmuch as he helps me find missing things, that he gives me the wisdom to be more careful of my earthly possessions. yes, money can buy replacements, but money ought to be used for far more worthy things.

19 May 2010 edit: yesterday when i got home, i checked the bag once more. when i was about to overturn the bag (that little paper bag with silica beads inside broke) to empty it out, i grabbed a pocket and there it was. now, i know i had checked ALL the pockets of the bag and it wasn't there, so i felt like i had witnessed a tiny miracle in my life when i found my pen. thanks, St. Anthony!