i pray that God bestows grace upon you all

for some reason, the Supreme Court has this thing about releasing bar grades right before holy week. when i first took it, and flunked, i remember griping about going home to the province and having to see all those congratulatory banners every ten meters or so from sta. rita, bulacan till cabanatuan, nueva ecija. i was very upset.

feelings aside, i remember having gone on my first lingkod alabang retreat right before the results came out, and how each moment, i prayed for God's grace. i didn't ask to pass - i guess i must've known then how inadequate my preparation was. instead, i constantly asked for the strength to take the bar examinations again should i not be blessed with seeing my name on that list.

i remember it was around the end of march too. it was 2006. i was scared i'd lose my job. i was so ashamed to tell my aunt and grandmother (who bankrolled the entire thing but giving me my allowance and paid for the hotel) about failing. so i cried until it hurt to cry anymore. and then, because i knew i had prayed for God's grace and felt that i had received it, i picked myself up the following day and planned to do it all over again.

the next six months were nothing short of torture. i had to work since i couldn't ask for an allowance any longer. that in itself was a blessing - my boss didn't mind that i was sharing work duties with reviewing; rather, she encouraged me by saying that i'd learn more cause what i was doing was practically the stuff i had to learn for the bar. my friends/officemates taught me the stuff i couldn't understand, lent me their books, and pitched in for me when things were just too tough for me to handle.

and i planned. a lot. i had schedules and daily targets and mini-challenges for myself. see that post-it? that was stuck on the cover of a book where i allowed myself to cross out the page number after every fifty pages. i don't think i finished crossing out the page numbers, but i do know that i finished that book.

i finished every single book i had that time.

on 3 april 2007, i finally saw my name on the list. on 3 may 2007, i signed the roll of attorneys.

with only around a fourth passing the bar examinations, there are more whose hearts are heavy and burdened right now. there are more who don't know what to do, who are most likely fearful, uncertain, and lost. i've been there before, and i survived. i just pray that God bestows the same grace He gave me then. there is nothing like it, and there is nothing sweeter when, a year later, you realize where that grace has brought you.