whew.

the pageant is finally over except for one teeny tiny but ultra important fact: we have no idea who's won yet.

i know that my feelings towards the pageant has swung from indifference to eager anticipation to fear of the unknown but right this very moment, right here, right now, i will admit to the entire world that i want to win the damn thing.

i want to be crowned miss court of appeals. i want the crown and the sash and the scepter. i want the huge kick-ass bouquet of flowers. i want to walk from one end of the stage to the other.

but what i want and what i'll get come wednesday are not necessarily one and the same.

for now, all i can do is wait.

and pray.

probably offer a candle or two.

and ready my smile just in case i end up being a "thank you girl" this time around.

pretty nails. check.

dress for casual wear, jazz pants + glittery top for the dance, and sexiful evening gown for the formal wear. check.

shoes, shoes, shoes, and more shoes (just in case i change my mind). check.

hair and make-up stylist booked and paid for. check.

text to dance instructor making him come early so we can extra practice time. check.

now all i gotta do is win the damn thing.

either that or i may have to rethink my career options starting tomorrow afternoon.

if the ms. court of appeals contest were as simple and easy as selling tickets, i may not be feeling major pressure right now.

unfortunately, it isn't. for one, i have to contend with the fact that of all the contestants, i'm the only one without a discernible waistline. another thing, i walk like a man looking for a fight, complete with the swagger.

now put those images together with eyes that have a tendency to roll when bored and a smile that refuses to show itself in front of a crowd and you have an idea why this contest is slowly, but surely, killing me.

since the competition officially began last monday, i haven't exactly been the most prepared contestant. while everyone had their hair and make-up done to compliment their sexy sportswear, i was pretty flat in my look-ma-i-just-bothered-with-a-little-blush-and-some-gloss look and my very conservative golf attire. while everyone had lovely studio shots, i submitted a picture taken from my cameraphone. and, while everyone's out practicing their talents, i am still busy getting my act together: what gown to wear, where to go for hair and make-up, and deciding exactly what they mean when they say "casual wear".

goodness. i think the only thing i have ready are my shoes.

anyway, who knows? maybe i can win the damned thing with my wit and charm. or maybe the girdle will do its trick. maybe my "fans" will find a way to cheer their lungs out and the judges will give me full points for the "audience impact" portion.

whatever. at least at the end of the day, i can say i did my damned best.

touch therapy

after being single for almost a year now and after having decided to eschew all non-relative/non-friend male presence in my life until i finally pass the bar, i have had zero physical contact with a man since the pilot and i broke up.

no one to hold hands with, no one to walk arm in arm with, no one who'd sling his arms over me, no one to hug, and definitely no one to kiss. once in a while i'd miss it, being the touchy person that i am, but given the fact that over the past year i've reconnected with family and friends, i've felt the love in so many other ways.

until i spent an entire afternoon in close proximity with a male. and it didn't hurt that he was handsome and smelled really nice, not to mention graceful. (and oh, didn't have difficulty carrying me!)

of course he'd count "one, two, TREE, four..." but then after having coffee with a guy who refers to kamiseta's model as "natalie FOREMAN" i was pretty forgiving.

very forgiving. forgiving to the point that i may be smitten with my dance instructor.

no wonder brad and angelina fell for each other. there i was, <----this----> far away from a living, breathing, sexiful human being for four hours and visions of a future with pretty-as-a-button kids were crossing my mind already.

of course, my "relationship" with my DI will end this coming friday and since i have no plans of getting into the habit of spending my nights with middle-aged men and women in their dancing shoes, i guess the miss CA will all that will be between my DI and myself.

but while i was in his arms and when all that my sipunin self can breathe in was the intoxicating scent of his perfume, i understood exactly what bored housewives who gave up their families for their dance instructors must have felt. being in the arms of a good looking man for hours on end, especially if he makes you feel lovely and tells you you can be sexy even with sweat dripping down your brows from all the effort from dancing, is in itself one of the best therapies for the maddening feeling of loneliness.

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just in case you do like dancing (or just plain curious about my DI), his name is ramil alino and he's in bykes cafe (along pasong tamo) on M-W-F and his number is 0917 2516644. he's pretty good at what he does although i think my two left feet and inability to do a dance as simple as the foxtrot with grace has challenged him beyond words.

once every month is cool.

once every three months tells me you're still alive and that's cool too.

once every four months tells me the thought of me pops in your head once in a while and that's cool still.

but calling me two weeks in a row like you did right after we broke up, telling me you dreamt of me last week, and giving me your schedule for the next month and a half is enough to drive me mad with questions.

questions such as "does he want me back?" and "is this just boredom?" and "why is he doing this to me?"

*sigh*

i better go get my copy of "he's just not that into you", read the chapter on boyfriends who break up with you and call but don't ask you back and accept the fact that unless he's at my doorstep with a huge bouquet of flowers telling me he was so wrong to have let me go, his calls don't mean shit.

i had every intention of posting yet another "i can't believe my brother could be so effing irresponsible" but then i was opening email the same time i was waiting for blogger to load and i saw these:

1) since i had promised myself no boyfriend until i pass the bar, i guess this will do.



2) anna told me these reminded her of me. i soooo agree.



oh well... a good laugh is always better than never ending exasperation.

while we were having lunch last week, an officemate narrated how on a blind date, this guy excused himself to go to the CR and never came back.

we said he was mean. uncouth. evil. should be banished from the face of the earth.

but what would you call a girl who takes a guy up on an offer to go shopping with her then barely an hour into it, texts her aunt asking the latter to "rescue" her, who gladly complies by "demanding" that she go to the hospital with them?

i dunno. maybe mean. uncouth. evil. should be banished from the face of the earth.

but i am willing to bet that if you were in the girl's shoes, you would have done the same thing too.

incidentally, if you find yourself in a similar situation, text me. i'll be glad to rescue you.

i've always known i have way too many shoes for my own good.



some of which i don't know why i bought in the first place, what to wear them with, or where to wear them to.



not to mention way too many bags



all of them too pretty to give away.



but now that i'm about to turn 29, i thought it was time to get my life in order. and being the shoe whore that i am, i thought it best to get started with my shoes.



each shoe with its own special place.



maybe soon after i'll get the rest of my life in order, starting with my bags.



who knows? i may succeed. either that or at the end of this organization spree, i'll finally find a new spot in my closet for that lovely teal bag i want to buy.

UPDATE!
today i learned all about S hooks (roughly costs ten bucks per piece) and now, instead of my bags being piled one of top of each other (causing a round bag to turn into a weird piayaya shape), they are now hanging in my closet. no more deformed bags!!!

i'm beginning to think getting my salary in cash isn't such a good idea after all.

i know i made a budget and that i have budget envelopes and i've got it all figured out that all i can spend on shopping would have to be the money i earn that's over the fixed budget i've made.

but then i get my salary and bonuses in lovely brown money envelopes and it makes me feel rich having cash in my bag. and it sort of burns holes in my pocket. and when faced with a huge red screaming sign with the letters S, A, L, and E on them, well, what's a girl to do except go shopping?

and so, while i did promise myself no more bags and shoes and while i've been pretty good at keeping that promise, i wasn't so good at resisting stuff that wasn't on my "don't buy list"

so last monday i blew five hundred bucks at watson's buying stuff like tissue and what nots not to mention a new button-down shirt for work and black slacks and an emily strange shirt.

then during lunch today i succumbed to the charms of an empire-cut dress in teal with lovely beadwork.

i was confident that with only seventy bucks in cash, i can pretty much NOT buy anything anymore, right? wrong.

we got our weekly salary today and guess where P800 bucks of my money went?

another shirt for work.

shopping isn't just an addiction anymore. it's a disease.

(although i think i deserve a pat on the back for resisting the urge to buy this lovely bag in teal which was really pretty and cost way less than i expected it to cost. i want to buy it. so much. soooooooo much.................

... can i buy it on monday please?)

while there are self-help books for winning a guy, keeping a guy, and how to deal with losing a guy, the gurus forgot to write something that deals with how-the-fuck-should-i-act-if-my-ex-calls-after-three-and-a-half-months-and-after-he-basically-ignored-me-during-the-holidays-which-would-have-been-a-less-awkward-moment-to-act-but-calls-instead-on-a-random-day-when-all-you're-prepared-to-do-is-watch-endless-hours-of-forensic-fun-over-at-crime-suspense-channel.

do i:
(1) tell him i'm busy, but thanks for calling anyway?
(2) ask him why the hell is he calling me after not calling for so long?
(3) pretend we're just long lost friends and chat as if i didn't spend months trying to get over him but am finally (thank god) over him now?
(4) ask him about his dad/mom/sister1/sister2/dog/cats/driver/houseboy/neighbor and everyone else in his life hoping he'd spill about his current romantic situation all the while hoping he didn't get to the "taken" part ahead of me?
(5) just say "uhm" and "ah" every so often while playing collapse on the pc so that my voice won't turn into that high pitched whine i do when i'm nervous?

in the end, i thought of doing number one, did not even begin to think of number 2, attempted to do number three, did number four (but wasn't able to milk information) and ended up being successful only in doing number five.

i wish it could be as easy as answering "world peace"

okay. my boss received the guidelines for that damned mr. and ms. court of appeals thing and left specific instructions with the stenographer to tell me that i ought to get in touch with the pageant coordinators ASAP and register.

ohmyeffinggulay.

i spent the money i earmarked for the gym on a shoe cabinet.

i ordered a frap light, but i asked them NOT to cut the whipped cream so it's the same damn thing.

i ate half rice during lunch but i did order dessert which was NOT fruit.

my boss may think i'm pretty but with all the post-bar and post-christmas weight still quite visible around the tummy area, i have no frigging idea how i'm going to lose all this weight before the friggin' pre-pageant.

with the bar results coming up, i've been asking people if they'd still love me even if i fail the bar. with the pageant coming up sooner than the bar results, i'd have to ask you.

will you still love me even if i don't win ms. court of appeals?

christmas presents are lovely, but christmas presents that arrive unexpectedly after christmas are even lovelier.

thank you to brian&anna for the lovely jammies (bet i'll be sleeping like a baby).

thanks to tita mayu who bought the lap desk that i've wanted since third year high school.

thanks to tita celia who gave me 2/3 of what i needed to finally buy the shoe cabinet i want.

the priest over at philam said christmas season doesn't end until after three kings.

you know what? he was right.

it's been a while since i last had a really full day.

today was one of those days. and funny how because of that really full day, i am actually awake at 2:23 a.m.

and am actually feeling pretty good. i was able to bring spike for his 25,000 km check-up, catch up with an old officemate, have lunch and movie with veevee, finally said yes to coffee with insurance boy, parlor with caryl, uber late dinner with family and friends, and dessert so late that they basically closed the place down right after we gave our orders.

i had so much fun i got tired laughing.

as i shuttled from one appointment to the other, i realized that i don't need a boyfriend. i need to rekindle old ties with my friends, reach out to my family, and enjoy the fact that i am 28, free from obligations, and gifted with all the free time i need to make me a perfectly happy gal.

sitting here in my old office, the office where i learned to blog, made most of my templates, and enjoyed countless of hours of internet fun, i begin to think if it was worth giving it all up.

here i had my own cubicle, tissue paper in the bathroom (not to mention piped in music), unlimited internet (except you instant messaging), and aircon that can make you forget that the philippines is a tropical country. i also had reserved parking, a telephone at my desk, and was surrounded by people concerned not only about my love life but where my soul will spend eternity. this was where i was rescued after my shitty first job, where i almost earned a master's degree (damned thesis), where i met, fell in and out of love with someone special in my past, where i studied and wrote papers for law school. six and a half years of my life, and six months after i quit, here i am, using their internet access while waiting for a friend.

a former boss, after learning that i'm now with the court of appeals, couldn't contain her shock over the news that i am now a government employee. from the way she reacted, it seemed like i told her i had joined a cult or something.

but then it also got me thinking, do i have it better now than before? jdf plus amazing working hours plus a cool boss plus new friends plus law-related tasks plus the freedom to wear anything so long as its decent?

most definitely.

28 turning 29, lungs burning from inhaling too much cigarette smoke and all i want to do is to file my resignation and become an orange and lemons groupie.

i may have hated pinoy ako and may have gone deaf from hearing abot kamay over and over again but dang, the other songs are so bloody lovely.

when the alcohol wears off, i'll probably forget all about this momentary addiction and return to my boring self - the boring self that's positively addicted to the crime suspense channel. but for tonight, i'll be going to sleep channelling my kate hudson vibe from almost famous and imagine how life will be if i give this all up to simply listen to them all day and all night long.

it may just be me, but when i give someone a present, i like knowing exactly how that person feels about my present. after all, given the pains i usually go through in getting someone just the perfect present, i think i deserve seeing the person's reaction, from the moment i hand him the present to the time he actually finds out what's inside.

given that you never got to see how excited i was opening your present, let me give you a blow-by-blow account:

it came in a huge kick-ass christmas gift bag...



and while it wasn't filled to the brim with gifts, there were a number of things waiting for me inside the bag...



i first opened the box which contained this lovely blue thermal cup. it now has a place on my night table for those moments when i get a wee bit thirsty while reading a book or watching tv...

next thing i unwrapped was this lovely calendar. lovely, lovely, lovely. my desk may be your standard issue government desk but i am willing to bet that i am the only executive assistant v-ct in the entire court of appeals who can boast of having a different shoe each day of the year...



then there were these pens. i know i said i'm going to use them but ... well, the packaging was so lovely that am going to keep them in there for the meantime.



then there was this book. i've always wanted one, but couldn't afford it (being a shopaholic myself, disposable income goes to henry sy instead of socorro ramos). i know you just threw this in cause i asked for it, but, it's really, really special to me now.



there's also this, which makes me want to renew my passport and leave the country this weekend for some serious shopping in bangkok...



and last but not the least, you got me this,which while may hamper whatever chances i've got winning the ms. court of appeals tilt, will definitely make me quite happy.



thank you big time. happiness just doesn't quite capture what i'm feeling right now.