through the one thing that has seen me through bad dates and good dates, bad boyfriends and good boyfriends, high grades and low grades, winning cases and crazy clients,

happy 2nd birthday.

i love you, spike.

and i meant it when i said i love you more that i've ever loved any one of them.

a watched phone never rings.

and so when you finally stop watching your phone, at 9:45 in the evening, while curled up with an old book hoping to god it rains like crazy to make the night a bit cooler, your phone does ring.

at first your not sure if it's ringing. is it the neighbor's phone that's ringing? you pick up, just in case it's an emergency or something. and, instead of the dial tone, you hear a faint "hey".

you don't pin your hopes on the fact that it's him. after all, it could be gary, since he also begins phone conversations with "hey", as if no one else answers the phone except you. you also try to be nonchalant about it. he could be asking for something back, much like the way you were when you were mad and bitter over the fact that he wanted you to be an ex instead of a gf.

but no, he just wanted to talk. he was truly interested in how things are going for you, and how you were. somehow, he was able to work in the conversation, "so are you seeing someone new" and somehow you felt a bit giddy over the fact that he asked that.

you don't know when you're going to get the next phone conversation and you don't know if that phone call meant anything. you know that it may have just been a fluke, like he was feeling lonely and that he needed someone to talk to.

it doesn't matter. you know that last night you must've sent at least a couple of text messages sharing the good news to friends and that you did call one good friend to share the news. you know that this morning you woke up feeling as if you own the world, never mind that it was 5 a.m. and you still had to pack your clothes and that you know you're still behind a lot of things in your schedule.

he called. and somehow, almost twelve hours after the fact, that's still all that matters.

this coming week is bound to be exciting.

tomorrow night i'll be staying overnight at my aunt's room at mandarin.
tuesday night i'm staying over at a friend's house for some overnight bonding.
wednesday night my friends and i will be partying (that is, if we don't fall asleep first) the night away in a two-bedroom suite at sunette tower.
thursday, a friend and i will be heading off to cabanatuan to join my aunt's birthday celebration, enjoy good food cooked by my lola, and bond, bond, bond.

my bags have yet to be packed and there's a shelf full of books waiting to be read. the bar is a reality that i have to deal with sooner or later.

but for now, it's a reality that'll have to be dealt with after my mini-vacation.

p.s. i don't know if you'll remember the url of this blog, but if you do, here's a couple of things you have to deal with before you go through the archives:
1. no i do not capitalize.
2. you take everything with a grain of salt.
3. don't forget. UP law, 10:30 on wednesday. don't be late.

somehow, i've always envisioned the time between graduation from law school and september 2005 (bar time!) as that glorious time where i'd finally get a life. while my classmates planned things such as living arrangements and bar review schedules, or while they searched for "the perfect starbucks for studying", i, on the other hand, envisioned myself waking up at 6 to do some not-so-serious walking around the academic oval.

sometimes, i've the tendency to kid myself that i can coast through the bar the same way i coasted stumbled through my law school career.

still, i knew that somehow, i had a knock-out plan for the bar examinations. i'd start seriously reviewing when the ateneo bar review begins, i'd clock in at work mornings just to finish my contract and head out to ateneo for review classes. i'd then try to catch the mass in bf then head out to my little secret of a coffee shop and study until closing time. and i'd do the damn thing every single day until it feels like it's the most natural thing in the world.

but even the best laid plans can go to waste.

here i am - two weeks after i finished with my summer elective and five days away from resignation - working my ass off at 9:30 in the evening in a hot cubicle in ortigas trying to finish work i should've finished over three weeks ago. i'm tired. i'm cranky. and i've been experiencing more heartbun than i've experienced in all of my 28 years combined. home is still anywhere between thirty minutes to an hour away (depending on how fast i drive) and sleep, well, sleep has become a controversial luxury.

and don't even begin to ask about reviewing. in the last month and a half i've been trying to study for the bar, i've gotten about as far as 300 pages of labor review and bits and pieces of remedial law.

june 1. i've marked that day on my calendar. on that day, it'll be goodbye work, goodbye slacking off. i'm envisioning myself sitting in that coffee shop with a large cup of coffee and my reviewers neatly piled on the table. after several years of hiatus, i'd once again channel my "nerdy" self and continue on to my quest in becoming a lawyer. i'm thinking "yes, yes, yes, rosa you can do it."

and i should be able to do it.

right?

i'm in a bit of a quandry.

the university where i work for will have its graduation rites on june 11. that's 11 days after my last day at work. i'm not sure if i'm still invited to the graduation and i'm not sure if i'm still required to do the entire graduation thing. in the 6 or so years i've been teaching in the university, i've attended only twice: once when my boss forced me to, and second on the day i got spike (my car) and i actually wanted to take him out on a special drive.

there are a couple of reasons though why i want to attend this year:
(1)some of my good friends are graduating from their masters;
(2)i'll finally get to wear a "purple" toga (for law); and
(3) it'll be my last graduation as a member of the faculty.

so far, i haven't decided yet. however, at this point in time when i'm two months delayed in reviewing for the bar and i'm in major overload when it comes to finishing the million and one things i've to finish before finally being let go by the office, there's one MAJOR reason why i'm leaning towards attending the event.

i still haven't worn those damn lovely graduation shoes.

ten steps to getting over that effing depression you couldn't shake off

1. complain, then go to mass. make a deal with god (yes, that's biblical. i learned that somewhere) that if he gives you peace, you'll stay single for a while (not like that will be relevant to him, but hey, if it works...)

2. go to sleep early (to avoid crying your eyes out again).

3. wake up early -- apparently for no reason except cause you slept early. then decide NOT to go to work. that's always a sure way of making you smile.

4. spend the day in bed with a book. alternate between reading and sleeping. concentrate on avoiding any form of work or studying in general.

5. sleep early (cause you woke up early, remember?)

6. wake up at ten, read messages on phone, smile over the fact that a friend is asking for a get-together that HE WILL PAY FOR, call (because he doesn't have a cellphone) a guy you dated way way before and actually ended up being friends with and ask if he wants to come. while doing that, sort of incorporate in the conversation that you will be going to a children's party and would he want to come too?

7. if free get-together doesn't push through, still go to birthday party with guy you dated before and actually ended up being friends with. now this will be strategic because what does one actually do in a birthday party where the only people she knows are the parents of the kid and no one else.

8. proceed on to spend the next 26 and a half hours (yes, that's more than one day) with the guy you formerly dated and actually ended up being friends with. enjoy Ü

9. wait for aunt's text message inviting you for dinner at dampa. go to dinner at dampa.

10. since you're always the responsible person who books most of your aunt's kikay affairs, be part of her spa trip by calling the spa for her, booking her and her friends for treatments, and joining them for their treatments. make sure she pays for aromatherapy head and shoulder massage and peppermint foot scrub.

now, the possibility of all of these things happening all in the same weekend is next to impossible but that's what happened to my weekend and these are the reasons why somehow i am able to say that happy days are here again. isn't life lovely?

one of these days, i'll have a happy post to go with it.

one of these days, i'll post something that you guys have been accustomed to reading in these pages.

one of these days, i'll find happiness again.

but not today.

update! happy days are here again!

last monday i cried.

and for the first time in months, it wasn't about frustrations with law school or because of the ex-boyfriend. it wasn't cause i was lonely or cause i was hot.


and as the picture on the right would probably have clued you in by now,
it was because alfonso lost.

on the nth hottest day of summer, i was living in the lap of luxury

saturday (or was it sunday?), according to the news, turned the philippines into a preview of hell when the temperature rose to 37.9. that's only one degree to go before the school nurse will send you home for fever. that's hotter than your base body temperature. that's something that would have bothered me had i been holed up in my room again, desperately trying to concentrate on wage orders while trying to ignore the fact that i am still quite stupidly thinking of my ex.

however, i wasn't at home. and, while i wasn't desperately trying to concentrate on wage orders, i was able to push the thought of ex boyfriend out of my head. apprently, all it takes is a lovely room in shangri-la.

dear g,

i know i've been bitching about my life lately - and i know you know it cause you spent half the night listening to me whine about everything and anything. thank you for being the wonderful friend that you are, and for inviting me to join you and your friends in quezon.

i told you i was going to study. i thought i was going to study. i also told you i was going to work on a million and one things. i thought i was going to work on a million and one things too. if you checked out my car when i left the house last saturday you'd know that those were my intentions. however, even with the best of intentions one can only do so much. i tried lugging around that thick beast of a labor law reviewer inside my bag all weekend long - when i went to the mall, while i was chowing down food after the baptism, even while i was in the lap of luxury inside a lovely hotel room in shangri-la. all to no avail. there simply was too much fun to be had when you've got relatives with you and a lola who is only all too willing to spend on you now that you are two weeks away from resigning.

and so, needless to day, i enjoyed my weekend. thank you for texting last night and asking how i was. let's see: i started with being a godmother in laguna, then drove to makati to check-in my lola, grand aunt and her husband in gilarmi, then moved over to shangri-la to enjoy my aunt's corner room. on sunday, i had this huge calorie fest at the shangri-la breakfast buffet, served as my aunt's driver and personal shopper, did a mini-parlor trip to get my eyebrows threaded, and spent the rest of the day enjoying home-cooked food with family i have not hung out with for more than five years. i had a blast (save for that guilty feeling you get when you don't study). and you know what, even if i didn't enjoy any of those things, with a view like this, how can you even begin to feel lonely?

reasons to enjoy being single

1. you don't have to account to anyone regarding your whereabouts, who you're with, and what the hell you did to your hair.

2. if ever brad pitt comes to the philippines and decides he wants a filipina instead of angelina jolie, you can date him, without the guilt.

3. since you don't have to text and call anymore (and you do realize that it's mostly your bf you text and call most of the time) your phone bill shrinks to previously unknown proportions.

4. you have less wrinkles cause you don't worry if sun cellular decides to NOT have a signal in your room, or if sun decides NOT to send your message, or decides NOT to be able to call smart numbers or even if sun cuts your line. why? see number 3.

5. you lose weight because:
a. you don't have an appetite;
b. even if you have an appetite, there's no one to go eat out with;
c. you feel the need to be hot and sexy just in case you see each other again and you want him to realize what a dork he's been.

6. all of a sudden, every single song on the radio is something YOU can relate with, especially all those ella mae saison songs.

7. you realize you have a wide range of emotions. whereas previously you were stuck in happy and content mode, now you have anger, bitterness, loneliness, pain, sorrow, melancholy, and a whole lot more.

8. and because there's so emotion running through your veins, you have so much more blog material.

and why in spite of this you still don't enjoy being single ...

... because you're a dork and you still miss someone you actually wanted to break up with before he broke up with you.

i want my hair to grow long again. for one, i'm getting bored looking like a boy, even if most people i meet say they really like my new look. another thing, it's boring! i miss putting my hair up in a ponytail, or checking out the ends, or even contemplating cutting it. the grass is always greener...

i miss the thought of being with someone. i've realized that it's not really WHO the person is sometimes but it's just having someone to text you first thing in the morning and last thing at night, having someone to share your highs and lows with, and just being part of a pair.

i am loving sprite and royal these days. sometimes, the heat just kills you and water won't do it.

much like a whole lot of things, i don't get mane and tail. lola felt generous the other day and said she didn't mind paying the 398peso price tag on the extra moisturizing version. it's WAY too expensive in my opinion, and my hair still looks like it has seen better days so i don't know whether it was all worth it.

i'm definitely worried about the bar examination. enough said.

and with that, i KNOW i have to get started studying.

right now.

thank you for teaching me about wearing good underwear even when i was too young to care.

thank you for allowing me to have as many shoes as i can have, simply because i'm a girl and you understand all about girls and stilettos and pretty shoes.

thank you for taking me to the parlor for my first manicure and pedicure, and for reminding me to have my toes cleaned before wearing sandals in public.

thank you for teaching me how to make lists for everything - clothes to bring on vacation, money spent on things, and everything else.

thank you for proving to me that it is possible for women to drive better than men.

thank you for trusting my sense of direction and for allowing me to explore the streets of manila with you.

thank you for teaching me all about clinique make-up, steaming my face after washing it, and using ice cubes to close the pores afterwards.

thank you for taking me to the dentist (and actually teaching me to love the dentist) and for making sure i have lovely teeth.

thank you for allowing me to have my sense of style, for allowing me to choose what i wanted to wear, even if i actually looked like a dork sometimes.

thank you for being honest with me about things that were usually to taboo for moms to discuss with their daughters.

you're a million miles away from me right now, and i know i've resented you for some decisions you have made in the past. but there's no other mom that will come close.

i love you, mama.

happy mother's day.

Until You Come Back To Me (That's What I'm Gonna Do)
Aretha Franklin

Though you don't call any more
I sit and wait in vain
I guess I'll rap on your door (your door)
Tap on your window pane (tap on your window pane)
I wanna tell ya baby changes I've been goin' through
Missin' you - listen you
(Till you come back to me - that's what I'm gonna do)

Why did you have to decide
You had to set me free
I'm gonna swallow my pride (my pride)
Gonna beg ya to please - baby please see me
(Baby won't you see me)
I'm gonna walk out by myself
Just to prove that my love is true
Oh for ya baby
(Till you come back to me
That's what I'm gonna do)

Baby for you my dear
Is like living in a world of constant fear
Hear my plea (hear my plea)
I've got to make you see (gotta make you see)
That our love is dying (our love is dying)

Although your phone you ignore
Somehow I must - somehow I must - how I must explain
I'm gonna rap on your door (your door)
Tap on your window pane (tap on your window pane)

I'm gonna camp by your steps
By the chance I'll get through to you
I've gotta the change your view baby
(Till you come back to me - that's what I'm gonna do)

(Till you come back to me - that's what I'm gonna do)

(Till you come back to me - that's what I'm gonna do)

I'm gonna rap on your door (rap on it)
Tap on your win- (tap on it) - dow pane
Open up baby
I'm gonna rap on your door (rap on it)
Tap on your - tap on your (tap on it)
Tap on your - tap on your window pane
(Tap on your window pane)
I'm gonna rap on your door (rap on it)
FADES-
Tap on your door (tap on it) window pane
Open up baby...

it's been a little more than a month since the break-up. in the meantime, i've cut my hair, removed the blinds in my room and put up curtains, and enrolled in what would hopefully be my last subject in law school. i've reacquainted myself with cubao in the last couple of days (thanks to my ngo internship), developed a teeny-tiny crush over a boy who's three years my junior, and rode the rickety roller coaster in fiesta carnival.

and what do you know -- i'm still alive.

i remember how i just cried over and over last easter sunday, too broken up to think about law school, work, and anything related to responsibility. i remember taking the day off, lying through my teeth, saying i had fever or something just so i would not have to face everyone at work who saw how happy i was when pat and i got together. i remember all the embarrassing phone calls i made to pat, asking if we could get back together again. i remember dating someone who was so totally wrong, just so that i wouldn't be alone.

i remember wanting to die for a brief moment, but thank god that brief moment passed and i'm ok once more.

sometimes, when i hear my phone's message alert tone i pray it'll be pat's message i open. sometimes, when the phone rings i keep my fingers crossed that it'll be his voice i hear. and sometimes, god grants my wishes and it's him. more often than not though, it isn't. while my heart breaks every single time, i know that one day, i'll find love again.

right now, i'm seated on the edge of my bed, with the tv on, trying to finish an overdue task for my sideline. i did my laundry this morning and i'll be headed off to buy groceries this afternoon - as soon as i finish that task i was talking about. i had 8 hours of sleep and i hope to get a lot of sleep later - after getting my CSI fix that is. tomorrow, i'll head off to my ngo internship (we're having a potluck and i'm tasked to bring leche flan) and try to get as much work done.

maybe tomorrow i'll break down again when i feel how lonely it is to be alone. but you know what? the good thing about it is that i'll most probably not.