i am so worth it

last year, two of my closest friends went to the st. james bazaar without me and bought me a shirt. in front, it says in gigantic letters "i am so worth it."

being black, oh-so-comfortable, and with a cheeky message to boot, i've worn the shirt bazillions of times - to vietnam, to dinner with friends, to mass, to the grocery, and to the occasional date. i think i will be sad when the t-shirt dies a natural death, but until that happens, i think i will wear it as much as a can, and mend it as long as i can stitch its seams together.

after all, it is the best reminder there is that i am so worth it.

i guess the realization truly hit me last saturday as i was conducting my lecture and this uber-gorgeous male specimen entered the room and flashed me the winning-est smile ever. the last time i was struck by a guy's looks that way was when i first laid eyes on the pilot, at a friend's birthday party. six and a half years later, i am once more enthralled (starstruck? enamoured? dumbfounded?) by a guy's looks, and i can't help but ask myself, am i worth this guy's love and attention if, by some miracle, the opportunity presents itself?

when i first met the pilot, the first answer that crossed my mind was no. he was gorgeous, he was tall, and he was a pilot who drives a bmw. how could i, a teacher who goes to law school at night, ever merit this handsome guy's attention. but somehow, i did. and while that relationship ended a week shy of our first anniversary (although we still did go out on our anniversary, although no one mentioned the import of the date), to this day, i am still incredulous at how i was able to snag a guy as hot as he was.

and so here i am again, smitten with an almost-perfect specimen of the male species, and dreaming of future perfect offspring should he get down on one knee and propose. i am in major crush, so much so that i couldn't look at him the entire time i was doing my lecture. for the first time, i hated the fact that i had left the firm and couldn't hand him my business card and offer him my services (legal, of course). he was tall. he was cute. he was something i'd gladly melt into a puddle for.

as i was driving home that day, i texted a friend and declared that despite my delusions that i was slowly falling in like with this guy that i think i'm dating (i don't really know what our status is -- we've been eating out for two years, and he pays, but he never brings me home), i realized the moment almost-perfect male specimen walked inside my classroom that if i end up with guy i'm sorta dating, i would forever be hounded by "what if". and, if you've ever watched letter to juliet, you know how fabulous the ending is if you act on your "what if".

plus -- lest i forget the entire point of this post -- I AM SO WORTH IT. so what if i'm almost an old maid, and i am not yet thin. so what if my face is like the full moon and my right knee hurts like hell when i walk. so what if i drive a seven-year-old car and my homemaker skills are next to non-existent. I AM SO WORTH IT. the t-shirt says so.