"Ever The Same"

We were drawn from the weeds
We were brave like soldiers
Falling down under the pale moonlight
You were holding to me
Like a someone broken
And I couldn't tell you but I'm telling you now

Just let me hold you while you're falling apart
Just let me hold you and we both fall down

Fall on me
Tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you forever in me
Ever the same

We would stand in the wind
We were free like water
Flowing down
Under the warmth of the sun
Now it's cold and we're scared
And we've both been shaken
Look at us
Man, this doesn't need to be the end

Just let me hold you while you're falling apart
Just let me hold you and we both fall down

Fall on me tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you
Forever in me
Ever the same
Call on me
I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me
Forever it's you
Forever in me
Ever the same

You may need me there
To carry all your weight
But you're no burden I assure
You tide me over
With a warmth I'll not forget
But I can only give you love

when friendships get tiring

i know how it's like. i know how it's like to just want to be whiny and pathetic and crying all the time. i know how it's like to need ten thousand shoulders to cry on. i know how it's like for every single fibre of your being to just want to get back together with the guy because you just effing love him.

but come on.

even if you are the sweetest, most amazing, and greatest friend i've had in years, even if hanging out with you is almost always a lovely experience, even if you are best friend material, i - mega-watt, super unused to female friends, and totally type-a me - can only take so much.

and so, thank goodness for text messages you can ignore, phone calls you can drop, and sleep you can feign. if i have to again listen as to how you're giving him the ten millionth chance in the universe because, as you so claim, you love him, i may just end up hitting you on the head with my bag.

so today, i hope you understand that i'm being a bad friend by ignoring you. i am human. i can only take so much.

p.s. when friendships work, it begins with a single desperate phone call which escalates to the kind of friendship where you both learn to lean on each other from the smallest things to the biggest, and the kind where no matter how pissed you are, you know that a bag hitting incident will never happen.

at least not anytime soon.

how to distinguish between a normal person and a shopaholic

normal person: feels the need to pee, sees a gasoline station, parks in gasoline station, pees. problem averted.

shopaholic: feels the need to pee, sees a gasoline station, IGNORES gasoline staion, drives like a madwoman until she reaches the mall, makes a beeline for the bathroom, curses everyone in line for being too damn slow while peeing, finally pees...

... and then she realizes she's never been to the annex of this mall before, go visits the annex, buys:
1. contact lenses and solution
2. new shirt and jacket
3. kikay stuff
4. yet another shirt
5. christmas decorations simply because they were on sale

there was also this half hour spent on looking at shoes, contemplating whether she should buy the gold shoes for her cousin's wedding SOMETIME IN JULY... of next year.

and there was this half hour spent looking at glasses thinking if she should get a new one too.

and there's also this sidetrip to the grocery to check out what they had there on sale.

clearly, for the shopaholic, what would have taken five minutes tops in a gasoline station isn't an option. screw her kidneys and bladder problems.

three kilometers and the need to pee -- which takes forever in saturday afternoon traffic -- is just a small sacrifice in exchange for the shiny shopping bags that she'll be going home with.

today's a really good day to die

remember the line? four medical students who perform an experiment to figure out what happens when you die. right before one of the characters subjected himself to the experiment, he takes a glance around the room and says it, as if confirming that should he die that day, he'd be ok.

today, i had one of those days:

good morning chat with nothing but happy thoughts ... fun and almost traffic-free drive to work ... breakfast buffet with my wednesday buddy at hacienda ... decorating our office with an 8-ft tree and lovely trimmings ... bonding with my boss over oatmeal cookies ... lovely lunch where we stuffed outselves silly with food from dencio's ... impromptu shopping trip where i was able to convince my otherwise non-kikay officemate to buy not one, not two, but three new pairs of shoes (all she had planned on buying was a new pair of shoes for a wedding) ... buying my nth pair of white ballet flats (you can never have too many shoes!) ... almost finishing drafting my decision, and not caring that i actually wasn't able to finish it ... finally opening a passbook savings account (YAY! i'm beginning to save money again!) ... peppermint mocha frappuccino ... supreme boy vs. star boy ... lovely car trip with officemates on our way to my boss' house ... dinner party for mayor: sugpo, lasagna, lechon, lechon baka, lengua, blue marlin, lumpia, california maki (i ate as much as my pants would allow me!) ... chatting with one of my favorite ex-students (who happens to be the daughter of my boss) ... having quality out-of-the-office time with my officemates (and loving it!) ... easy drive back to my aunt's house ... free dsl internet access at aunt's house.

don't you agree? today's a good day to die.

btw: it's my best friend's birthday today!

and would you like to get my number too?

i really should learn how to flirt.

for the first time in my life, i spotted a really cute, really charming, and really amazing barrista. and for the first time in my life too, it seemed that amazing barrista thought i was really cute, really charming, and really amazing too.

unfortunately though, our conversation was limited to the usual conversation that one has with her barrista:

ME: peppermint hot chocolate please.
HIM: would you like that in grande?
ME: no.
HIM: venti?
ME: (squints nose) you must be kidding. just tall.
HIM: can i get your name please?
ME: rosa
HIM: would you like something to eat rosa?
ME: no thanks.
HIM: that'll be a hundred bucks.
ME: ok. wait, i have a card.

now this is where we get a bit chatty and he flashes me a gorgeous smile and i flash what i believe to be a gorgeous smile back and we both smile goofily and i wait for my hot chocolate and he asks for my receipt so he can punch it and we smile goofily again. all too soon, i gotta go take a seat (as i can obviously not stand in front of the counter the entire evening) and i was reduced to stealing glances over to where he was. i wasn't alone though as he grabbed a rag and cleaned our table (which wasn't dirty, and something that my friend and i thought was cute cause, well, barrista's almost always never clean tables, and they never clean tables at all especially when there are ten million other free tables around) and we all smiled at each other goofily again.

did i like him? well i found him cute beyond words. did he like me? i'll never know. but, who knows? i still have to get 19 more stickers on my card before i get the starbucks planner. maybe, just maybe, next time he asks for my name, i'll have the panache to say, "rosa, and would you like to get my number too?"

there are things that are just too damn crazy to ignore, and that includes finding yourself outside a carinderia at 9 in the morning listening to someone singing - at the top of his (or her? i wasn't sure if the person was a real boy or someone who just looked like a boy) voice - dancing queen by abba.

thank goodness though for random funny incidents such as that. otherwise a day punctuated by a routine battery change resulting in the watch person destroying the color change feature of your watch or a 25 minute wait in line at mcdonald's would be a day when you'd want to just erase yourself from the normal world and live under a rock instead.

incidentally, and on a totally unrelated note, the red cups are back at starbucks and that means that peppermint mocha is back!!!! oh, nikki! calling on nikki who i remember hates peppermint mocha and was looking for someone who would consume peppermint mocha for her. well girl, i am here :)

on a second totally unrelated note, watched the exorcism of emily rose last night with my cousins and my brother. anna and brian were clutching each other for dear life, and while my brother and i haven't been the sweetest of siblings, you would've laughed at the two of us last night. i watched all the scary parts of the movie between webbed fingers, often asking my brother to tell me what was being shown. my feet were propped on his knees, lest some of the demons were to pass through the screen and grab a hold of my leg. he, on the other hand, was clutching my arm while making me promise that we'd sleep in the same room so as to ward off the scaries. it was a so-so movie (for me) and a perfect waste of 120 pesos, IMHO, but as with the casino gimmick, the fun we had teasing each other at the end of the movie? priceless.

when the whole world screws you over, you go back to your real friends, friends you can see, hear, feel, and smell, and spend time with. and so, while i've been holed up since i stopped working for the school and while i've been staying at home (since i don't really want to see people who, as i said earlier, would simply ask me the question that i am so sick of hearing already, "how was the bar?"), yesterday and today i ventured out into the world where there's sun and you're both in the same time zone.

finally, i remembered how it felt like to actually buss someone on the cheek by way of hello instead of using the YM buzz button.

so yesterday i had lunch with my best friend and we chatted at fridays and we went gift shopping and kikay shopping and grocery shopping and reminisced about the time when we both couldn't drive shit and now we both drive our own cars. and today i raided a bazaar with my aunt and chatted over a lovely lunch and we met up with my cousins afterwards and we chatted a bit more before i called it a day.

fun. fun. fun. while technology's so fun and good in bringing friends and family who are a million miles away, there are days when you want more contact than YM can give you. and on those days, you dress up, take your car out, and spend time with real people.

p.s. but papa, i do LOVE YM and i do LOVE my posting on my online journal and people like you and keith are an ocean away so while i may bitch about being online i would love nothing more than that pc you're shopping for :) ... mwah!

i don't know what to do when people tell me they're so sure i'm going to pass the bar.

sometimes i want to tell them, "you really think so? cause i'm so nervous i won't and i wouldn't know what to do if i DO fail"

and there are days, those really bad days, when i want to shove their smiles up their asses and tell them, "well, YOU weren't there. were you there when i was inventing crimes? were you there when i couldn't remember ANYTHING about warehouse receipts? were you there when the only thing that was keeping me from weeping was the sight of my seatmate's fUGLY,dirty feet which he keeps taking out of his shoes for some perverse reason? were you there when i all wanted to do was sleep but i had ten million numbers to answer still (well, it more like thirty, but god, GOD, what examiner in his right mind would ask FIFTY questions in the bar? well, this year, all 8 of them did)?

clearly, there are days when i lose it. hopefully, it doesn't happen when you're around.

in the end, i usally just end up saying "thank you" because while you want to say, well all of the things i had just said, saying "thank you" is the polite thing to do.

and, well, the shortest.

p.s. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! gary.

in this day and age, five hundred bucks won't get four people very far.

you can probably each get a frapuccino from starbucks, or decent meal from mcdo. you can share a pizza from yellow cab, but the money wouldn't be enough to cover everyone's drinks.

five hundred, by today's standards, is admittedly just not enough to make a group of four happy.

however, being the fun kids that me, my brother, my favorite cousin, and his wife are, well, we had the funnest time with our five hundred bucks playing the 50 cent slot machines over at the westin casino.

at first we thought we could have the five hundred bucks changed into tokens and we could split it four way. however, it turned out that we had to put the entire bill in the machine and the machine would automatically deduct it for us. and since we only had five hundred bucks between us four, we slipped it right in and, well, we played a single machine. we'd alternately hit the button, betting differently each time. when we'd win, we'd all let out a little hoot, and when we'd win big, we'd clap and cheer and what not.

the people were looking at us funny, and it was all too soon before we ran out of money, but while the big rollers won thousands of pesos, us four had the biggest smiles on our faces when we stepped out of the casino.

and you know what? the fun we had ...that's something not even the jackpot can match.

(well, maybe. but since we lost, we wouldn't really know now, right?)

today i woke up at 8 and that meant i would be more than late for the office. but, i figured i was late anyway, so i took my sweet time fixing my stuff, taking a bath, and most importantly, doing my make-up.

i swear, i would've done UH proud.

i cleaned my eyebrows, applied moisturizer (still no tinted moisturizer *sigh*), curled my lashes, used eyeliner which i carefully smudged with my pinky, did the layering thing using liquid blush and powder blush (while trying not to look like a clown in the process), and used a bright lip gloss which left my lips pucker-worthy until i ate lunch where i ended up wiping it all off.

i felt pretty, and i think i looked pretty, so much so that the justice said, "wow, you're actually wearing make-up today." (i wanted to say, uhm, i do wear a little of it everyday. apparently, my everyday "no make-up" look actually makes me look like i'm not wearing make-up at all... either that or walang effect at all yung five-minute make-up routine ko.)

as the only male lawyer in the staff said, "wow rosa, full-battle gear ha."

ok. wait, uhm, i don't know what full battle gear means exactly. is that a good thing? or does that mean i look like someone from the cast of, say, encantadia?

i hope he meant that latter. otherwise today's attempt would mean the last of my adventures with make-up.

a friend told me that i gotta go make a christmas list and, being the materialistic person that i am, it didn't seem like a bad idea. i know i want tinted moisturizer, a nice toner, jimmy choo shoes, a pink-and-cream fino planner, and, well, more money in the bank. but then i realized the things i REALLY really want, no one can give me except me (or god via miracles).

i want to lose weight. i want straight hair. i want all my white hairs to fall off and be replaced with gorgeous hair in my natural color. i want the ability to wake up early without an alarm clock. i want hairless legs so i don't need laser treatments. i want whiter armpits. i want my pores to shrink. i want the ability to say "i don't need that" when am in the mall and i'm faced with a shoe on sale. i want eyebrows that have a natural arc. i want my eyes to be 20/20. i want my room to miraculously fix itself and stay fixed.

but am willing to live with fat, frizzy graying hair, alarm clocks, shaving/depilatories/more laser treatments, dark armpits, pores i have to hide, abject poverty, threading, contacts and eyeglasses, and a messy room if it means me passing the bar.

sige na, aaminin ko na.

i watch pinoy big brother.

ok there was a time when i dissed it. when it was all about bikinis and them talking about sex. but then i figured they got tired of it and it began to get interesting especially when say got together with jb, and when they started dissing cass behind her back. i'd watch when there was nothing else to watch.

and then sam came.

and then i got hooked.

he was hot. he had class. and he was the only person who wasn't pretending at all.

and so i'd make sure i'll be home by 1030. and i'd watch it with my cousin. and we'd compare notes. and i was tempted to text to save him, but they saved him the last time so i was confident they'd save him again.

but then they didn't. and he got evicted.

and so i made a vow.

no more pbb for me.

especially if a person like say would make such a huge deal about three inches being cut off her hair and say something stupid like "but this is permanent!" (duh)

i want to grow up... shopping wise that is.

i want to beyond buying nothing but shoes and bags, from buying cute nightclothes, and from merely scrounging around or waiting for presents to plump up my kikay kit.

and so yesterday, while my want list included "tinted moisturizer and what nots from pcx", "pink and brown mules from charles and keith", and "yellow pointy flats from celine", i came home with a bag of clothes, including this nice brown shirt which i can actually wear to work, nice black bermuda shorts that i can either wear with havaianas or heels, and pinstripe bermuda shorts that will definitely make me look fashionable at work.

i am excited for it to be monday. but for the meantime, i'm going to spend this long weekend with my "pretend grown up" self and go to the mall to contemplate once more if i should buy that tinted moisturizer or not, probably get a massage and a facial, and watch a movie. i'll jumpstart my healthy lifestyle too by going to the grocery and ignoring those lovely cans of diet sarsi (which i love) and buying things i should actually be stuffing my ref with.

who knows? hopefully my pretend grown up self will tell me it's ok to buy that lovely pair of charles and keith mules :)

p.s. UH! i want to apply as your PA!!!! hmmm.... pero you can have me after 430 lang. (uhm, ambisyon ko kasi maging PA ng someone!) i will work for make-up, salon treatments, and massages (para hindi taxable!).

p.p.s. seryoso ako. can i send you my resume?

p.p.p.s. talaga seryoso ako. don't laugh ha!

i can't believe he did that.

and so, while i love my aunt beyond words, and while i've tried desperately to understand why she loves him in spite of how "nothing" he is, what he did yesterday, once my aunt's back was turned, is nothing short of unforgivable.

"you're being vindictive," a friend told me when i told him i had planned on telling my dad, my uncles and aunts, and my grandmother about what he's done. see, when he did it, i, probably the only supporter (and half-heartedly at that) he had in the family, finally threw in the towel and gave up on him.

pat, the ex, was the first to say it. "he's different when your aunt's not around," he said after he was left to chat with him once. my brother soon followed, "how can you trust someone who makes deals with the government?" soon, my grandmother began saying her piece, even going as far as telling me, "how can you tolerate that man being your aunt?"

but when you hear your aunt tell you that she's truly happy and that he truly loves her, what's a girl to do?

i tried, believe me. i met up with him for lunch to figure out what his intentions were. i rode home to cabanatuan with him to see how he is on the road, and to talk to him some more. i even give them alone time. anything, and everything, to understand what the fascination my aunt held for this man.

but, with the sole exception of him being the handyman at home - changing the batteries, bulbs, and being my aunt's replacement driver on weekends - i do not get the fascination. not at all.

goodness, he's not even attractive.

and when he showed his true colors yesterday, when he, instead of convoying me all the way back to manila as my aunt thought he'd do, zoomed away one corner away from my aunt's home, and then had the gall to text me three hours later "i'm sorry i lost you on the drive back", well, when he did all that, he lost the only reluctant person he had in his corner.