Tuesday, November 02, 2004

almost two years ago, i had to undergo an operation where one of my ovaries was surgically removed to save my entire reproductive system. while it did not make me any less of a girl (just check out my shoe-bag-clothes ratio), it somehow pushed me into a dating frenzy which resulted in less-than-desirable boyfriends.

yesterday, as we were eating lunch at home, my brother asked me if the thought of marriage ever crossed my mind. of course yes, i answered, thinking back on those many nights when i'd count how many months i had to go before the two-year deadline imposed by my doctor. much like any woman my age, i had the husband, kids, and house with picket fences dream. i prayed for the elaborate wedding, practiced signing my name with various last names (admittedly, in the middle of boring law school lectures i still do that, sometimes), and planned my entire entourage. all those friday and saturday nights spent alone at home i sometimes panicked, thinking that maybe my future mate may be out there, partying, while i chose to curl up with a good book.

i used to have "the grand plan" implanted in my young, impressionable, 20-year-old psyche. i thought i'd get married at 25, do my master's in education and graduate by 27, and have my first child by 28. i hung on to two dying relationships, the first one with my college boyfriend which resulted in me not going to law school immediately after college, and another one with my work boyfriend.

but then i met gizelle, a girl from work who's pretty impressive in my book, and when i hitched with her home one day, i gained all the wisdom i should've picked up when i was 25, bitter, and blogging about my problems in general.

travel, she told me, and do everything you've always wanted to do. don't wait for the man of you dreams to fulfill your dreams for you, and don't make your dreams dependent on someone else. when the time is right, and when YOU are right, the right man will come. and when that happens, it'll be the best damn thing in the world. cause you're not giving up anything for him, you're actually ready for life with him.

and she's right.

so, right now, i may have the coolest boyfriend in the whole world., but on a good day, marriage is usually the last thing on my mind. because there's so much i have to do - as a single woman - before i'll be happy settling down with anyone. i'm slowly but surely paying off my dream car. i'm one semester away from law school graduation. i'm making sure that the five years i spent teaching does not go to waste by putting everything in place before i resign. i'm building bridges with my parents and my brother. i'm finding out who i am and what i want (aside from an endless stream of jimmy choo shoes). and maybe, when everything's cool with me, i'll be ready for that part called "us".

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