i am tired

no. tired doesn't even begin to cover it.

exhausted probably.

but i think what captures it best is i-am-so-tired-i-fell-asleep-in-the-middle-of-a-conversation-and-not-only-that-i-lost-something-on-my-desk-and-i-don't-even-know-where-to-start-looking-for-it-and-i-am-more-stressed-because-of-it-and-oh-i-keep-forgetting-stuff-and-almost-forget-my-best-friend's-birthday-and-actually-forgot-gary-and-rosan's-birthdays-last-week kind of tired.

i thought that after finally filing this monstrosity of a position paper yesterday, i'd be done. but stuff just keeps on piling on my desk i've got a couple of pleadings to go, hearings to attend, and clients to update.

so if i've been out of it, forgive me. like me skipping out on last monday's ag (did you guys save some macaroni soup for me?). or like me not being my usual happy self. or me even sleeping on you in the middle of your (i'm sure it was) very engaging story.

still, i am thankful for people who show some, no a LOT, of love.
- old officemate who tells me upfront i forgot her birthday and will i greet her please (and didn't make a big deal out of it.)
- ag-mates who say it's ok i'm missing an activity and pray that i finish my work soon
- new friend who shows up with not one but TWO boxes of pastel from cagayan de oro
- best friend who, in spite of me telling him not to anymore but does anyway, brings me two krispy kreme donuts
- new officemate who stays with me until my eyes are ready to fall off my head and doesn't make a big deal out of it

last sunday i told pazi and shy that i missed my past life. i think i might have told annsley the same thing last monday. i missed my stress-free mornings, my RWM five steps away and ready to dispense spiritual (and otherwise) advice when my spirit is worn out. i missed walking around the mall with no destination in mind.

mahihimasmasan ka din, i told myself. when all this is done and over with, you'd be back to that part of you that prayed for this new life, that part of you that felt the rush and exhiliration of signing your first pleading. that part of you that almost teared up when you first entered an appearance in court.

i've still got loads of work to do. i still don't know how i'll manage. but this morning, i woke up and found myself smiling still.

this is the life i prayed for, the life i chose, the life that has been given to me. i either embrace it or quit.

and guess what. i'm no quitter.