Wednesday, April 23, 2003

would you like me if ...

half a year ago, i posted a list of what i perceived to be my less-than-desirable characteristics. at that point, it wasn't about whether or not there actually existed a person who'd fit my checklist but whether i would ever be checklist girl myself. it's amazing how in the last five months, i found someone who actually didn't mind crappy old me (in fact loved me because i was me), and then i moved on and left the same guy.

people -- quite a number of them i might add -- would have hit me in the face had they had a chance to do so. i have received a variety of comments from the slightly sympathetic (whatever makes you happy) to the downright honest (ang tanga tanga mo!). for one, although my mom understands (and actually foresaw) me leaving mars, she was also afraid that i, like my now-evil dad, had absolutely no concept of commitment.

i do know what commitment is all about, and to use a Mark term, it's all about relevance. you see, when you commit, you choose to be relevant to that someone and in being relevant, you'd want to make sure that that someone would be someone you respect and admire, and yet feel very comfortable with. i mean, no one would want to be relevant to someone who's basically an ass, right?

where is all this going? basically i think i just need to vent and to finally answer all the whys and the whats that have been floating around. yes, i feel guilty about leaving him; no, we won't get back together; no, it's not because of another guy; yes, i'm over him; yes, i know i'm horrible that i don't even feel remorse; yes, i miss him; no, i don't miss him enough to go back to him; yes, i loved him in my own little way; yes, we're still friends; no, i don't think being friends with your ex is weird; no, i do not know how i'll react if i saw him with another girl; no, i'd like to think it wasn't a rebound relationship; and for the all important question "what if he was the one and you let him go cause you were so stupid?", i'd say, hell, if he were the one, then i had the one for three and a half months. (incidentally i just realized now that tomorrow would've been our fourth month.)

so there, vanessa, i am not a commitment phobic. it's just that with something as important as marriage and with the divorce statistics the way they are, you just have to be a little pickier, a little more OC, a little more i-will-take-a-risk-and-leave-him-when-i-began-thinking-he's-probably-not-the-one-although-i'm-not-so-sure when it comes to settling down. i do know that settling down means finally giving up on that irrational checklist and finally accepting him the way he is, faults and all, but given the gravity of the situation, i'd just postpone the settling down for as long as i can till i'm really really really sure that he is it.

* * *

incidentally, i've been yawning like crazy these past couple of days. part of me's like "if i do this yawn really well, then i'd probably stop feeling so darn sleepy!"

what is wrong with me?

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