Wednesday, April 30, 2003


we all live with editors in our lives. it could be your mom raising that single eyebrow at what you're wearing on your way to the mall. or your dad giving you the eye when he finds out that your grad ball date has plans of going to la salle instead of his beloved ateneo. friends pretty much do the same thing, telling you how your current squeeze looks more like zuma than the god you think he is.

and no matter how fiercely independent we believe we are, we get affected. we succumb to what people tell us, or believe about us.

yesterday, another editor popped into my life. all i wanted was to be honest to myself, to be able to look into the mirror and tell myself that "hey, you're pretty shallow for taking that against him, but you do, face it." instead, what i got was someone telling me that i shouldn't talk that way, think that way, for would i be able to bear being judged by the same yardstick.

i felt embarassed. tried apologizing, asking him why he thought that way. i felt so small in his eyes, that whatever impression i've made the last couple of weeks have been erased by one single post.

* * *

i've always been very honest to myself when it came to this blog. in fact, it was one of the reasons why i packed up and left the other blog -- i began feeling that too many people were reading it, people i didn't know and people i did know which resulted in me posting far fewer stuff. i've always thought i could say what i wanted to say in my blog.

* * *

i think that's the problem when you allow people to creep into your life. you allow them, and what they think, to affect how you see yourself. as he was telling me yesterday how judgmental i've been, i felt like crawling inside me and hiding. vanessa told me how it wasn't right that i felt that way but i did.

* * *

i guess that's what all of us would have to live with every single day. editors in our lives who because of one thing or another, we've given power to affect us.

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