"be still and know that i am god"

if you've ever spent more than an hour with me, you'd know that while i am capble of a lot of things, the ability to sit still escapes me. i fidget, i move around, i stand from time to time, and when sitting takes its toll on me, i stand up and roam aimlessly just to have something to do.

case in point - i am unable to take long leisurely lunches and feel the immediate need to do something as soon as i finish wolfing down my food.

it's the same thing with the decisions i make. wrong as it may seem, i am not the type who has the patience to wait for something to bear fruit in its natural time. when i've made up my mind on something, i feel the immediate need to act on it, take the reins, and hammer out the details until i get what i want.

i think the only time i'm ever still is when i've crashed in bed after a terribly long and tiring day.

thus when God calls me to "be still" and trust in His promises (Psalm 46:10), i feel like fish out of water. i feel out of sorts, like i'm not being true to myself. so many times i've quarelled with God on this point, telling Him that this is how He made me to be - active, type A, a go-getter, never passive, never "helpless".

after a horrible fight with a friend, a fight that left me in tears, hurt, dejected, and wishing that i could hide underneath my blankets for the next week or so, i realized that this is what happens when i fail to be still. nothing that i start on my own efforts i can sustain till the end. it is God's grace that allows things to blossom beautifully in His perfect time. He is never late or never early, He is never too much or too little, rather, He is always perfect. A relationship with God isn't like cooking that depends on the person's taste and personality, rather it is like baking - precise, on time, never experimental. He is as dependable as the knowledge that watered chocolate will never form inside the mold. And like an expert pastry chef beating eggwhites, He knows exactly when soft peaks form, and when the peaks are perfect, and when to stop.

a beautiful article online reminded me that "personal initiative is no substitute for reliance upon God." on my own, my capacity is limited, my knowledge imperfect, my will unguarded. i, however, serve a perfect God. i can count on His promise that as His daughter, He will not allow anything that I cannot handle with His grace.

as 2008 draws to a close and 2009 beckons, my personal mission is to "know that he is God x x x not merely intellectually, but practically, spiritually, and emotionally. He is [my] God. He is the ruler of kingdoms of this earth and the all-powerful Creator of the Universe."

Without Him I am nothing, but with His grace, I can achieve the impossible, sitting still included.