why it’s past midnight and i’m still awake on a working night means only one thing: my insomnia is back.

now, don’t think i was ever an insomniac. i am one of those lucky (if you could call it that) people who can sleep through anything, a tricycle ride included. in fact, i slept so much while i was in law school that one of my roommate’s friend refused to believe i was a law student cause she never saw me awake.

after almost thirty years, i have realized that there are only a handful of things that can keep me awake: a possible date with the boy, the sims, the night before a trip, an entire day spent sleeping, and the bar examinations. now, considering that i haven't seen the boy since valentine's day, that i can't find my sims cd, i'm not headed anywhere soon and that i spent the entire day at work, there can only be one reason why i am awake at this ghastly hour: the bar results are due out anytime now.

honestly, i am freaking out. while i know in my heart that i studied as much as i can this time around, the reality of flunking is very real to me. i have been there; i don't want to be there again. i don't know if i have the same grace i had last year. i don't know if i can study that way again.

in fact, if i fail again, i don't know if i'll want to do it all over again.

and that thought, running through my mind over and over and over again, is what keeps me up way past my bedtime.

don't you dare rain on my parade!

because while you have every right not to agree to last weekend's purchase, i don't think you have earned the right to judge me for buying what i bought. i don't think you know me well enough to have said, "rosa, you need a lifestyle check" not once, not twice, but at least three times in the course of one afternoon.

because if you did, you'd know that i commute most days of the week to save up on gas and car maintenance. you'd also know that i try to save as much as i can on food and that i do my own laundry and iron my own clothes. you'd know that i don't use other bank's atm's to save up on the P10 they charge you with. you'd know that i buy my groceries at pure gold cause it's cheaper there and that i've enrolled all my bills in my atm so i don't have to spend money on cheques. you'd know that i'm pretty good at keeping my electricity, water, and cellphone bills down. you'd also know that i sent myself to graduate school on scholarship and to law school with minimal help from my family and that i have been working on odd jobs since i was in high school for extra money.

so if i choose to spend that much money on a pair of shoes, bugger off. as long as the money didn't come from your pocket, and as long as i can fulfill all my obligations and as long as i'm working my ass off every single day of the work week, i do not think you have the right to tell me i ought to check my lifestyle.

i've been thinking up of ways to celebrate my 30th birthday.

party at an orphanage? spend an entire day re-assessing and mapping out my life? huge party? intimate sleep-over with friends out of town?

in the end, i celebrated it prematurely. today i bought myself my first pair of sling-back ferragamo pumps.

i could have come up with a million and one other ideas on how best to celebrate my birthday but i know in my hear that the choice i've made is the best that i could have made because, as i realized two years ago when i bought my first pair of kate spade shoes, that one of the few things that will make you feel like a real adult is buying a pair of insanely expensive shoes.

what if the only thing i had planned for heart's day is to finally do my laundry. at the end of the day, no one can really say for sure how the day will turn out, right?

i'm glad mine didn't turn out the way i planned it.

because there is no way that doing laundry can compare with the amazing time i had with the boy.

happy heart's day, world. hope yours was as happy as mine.

ok. i am officially in major like with the boy.

pldt boy that is.

i mean, yes, any person who has read this blog would have gotten an inkling that i like him but today, i got confirmation of how much i like him.

cause tonight he spilled beer on my coach bag - yes my only original coach bag, the bag i slept with the first day i got it, the bag that i love to bits - and i actually just wiped it off, and said, don't worry about it.

and i meant every word.

so there, it's official.

there's almost nothing that he can do that can make me stop liking him.

the feeling of buying new shoes while wearing new shoes

keith wished me that on my birthday.

and last sunday, that wish was granted.

was wearing a new pair of shoes when we chanced upon brandsmart at robinson's starmills. nine west satin heels for 595. nine west brown croc with red trimmings for 1795. what's a girl seriously addicted to shoes do? well, buy them.

monday, i was wearing my new shoes when i chanced upon the celine sale at robinson's galleria where everything was selling for 399. i resisted. it would have been sheer shoe-gluttony if i did give in to that.

right?

i hope i'm right. otherwise, i would have wasted the opportunity to buy really pretty AND cheap shoes.

considering that there's nothing between me and the boy except for a donut date, a dinner date, and a movie date, it's funny how guilty i felt hanging out with another boy.

maybe i'm just twisted that way.

or maybe i felt guilty cause a huge part of me knew that while there was a point in my life that i actually liked the other boy and that i've been basically waiting for a year to be introduced to him, sometime between that time and now, i saw, got to know, and fell in love the boy.

i know i'm being stupid, really, as waiting for the boy to declare his undying love and what not is the most uncertain thing in my life right now, next to the bar examination results. and it's really dumb considering that there might be nothing at all there except my imagination gone wild. so what if we text at least once every two days, and so what if the texting sometimes borders on the flirting? at the end of the day, there's been hardly any sign of life in that area of my life.

so why am i still pining for the boy? why is it that in spite of new boy - let's call him gsr boy - making all the right moves and saying all the right things and making a flat out declaration of like i'm still thinking of the possiblity of the boy?

i am 29. quite old to be choosy and picky in my ex-roommate wilma's opinion.

she may be right.

but, she may be wrong. and until then, iam probably going to will continue pining for the boy.

9 months down... a whole lot more to go.

and the sad thing is i actually don't mind waiting some more.