birthday: march 2

goal: the best 28th (ugh, that's old!) birthday ever

birthday checklist: renew license; pretend nothing's special as i'm doing school visits since i don't really want to make a big deal out of it there, if you know what i mean; buy cello's donuts for OLA team 6; go to 6pm mass; have pizza with wilma.

no boyfriend. no family. no friends, well, except wilma, the roommate.

i've made a big deal out of it in the past. in my heart, i want the big happy birthday blow-out: cake, flowers, balloons, presents, friends, family, and significant others plus phone calls from people you love but are away. but reality tells me to keep the expectations down.

and who knows. after four years of making a big deal out of my birthday, maybe this year, i'm finally going to get it right.

things haven't been good lately.

too much work.
too much backlog.
too much pressure from commercial law review.
too many fights.
too many words left unsaid.

this picture i have on my bedside table. using my friend's camera phone, i took a snapshot of myself as we were on our way to the office party in batangas. i had lost one of my ovaries a little more than a month before this pic, but it didn't really matter at that time. i thought i loved someone, and was planning on telling him i loved him too on christmas eve. he was the nicest person i knew, and i was confident he loved me dearly.

now, he's married, with a kid. when i look at that picture i can't help but ask myself whether my life would have been better had i stuck it out with him. i can't help but wonder why i can't take pictures with me this happy anymore.

i'm turning 28 in a couple of days. i'm supposed to have a boyfriend. i'm supposed to have friends. i'm supposed to have family.

but why, why, why am i not happy anymore?

when you're down to your last five hundred bucks and payday is five days away, any addiction to shoes is driven to the deepest recesses of your mind. you banish any desire to shop, program yourself to work-school-home mode, and focus on trivial pursuits to fill in that big void in your life.

but then, as smokers who have successfully quit will tell you, it is impossible to kill an addiction without replacing the addiction with something else.

unbelievable as this may be, i have found a suitable replacement: iced milo.

no, scratch that. even while the milo has yet to transform into icy slush goodness, i find myself telling the cafeteria girl that it does not matter- as long as the milo is cold, i'll take it.

so here i am, terribly addicted to iced milo. i have given up rice as much as i can to make way for the additional poundage that the chocolatey goodness is bound to bring and i've found myself forking over money every single day to the cafeteria which i hope to go out of business soon.

and, in the interest of milo, i've totally admitted to myself that the south beach diet would be something i will never be able to do.

one of these days, when we see each other, you'll probably be aghast at the fact that my shoes are scruffy and out of style, and that my bag totally does not match my outfit. don't be shocked though. as long as you see that tall glass of milo in my hands,everything is good.

--
incidentally, i've got this awful sore throat which prevents me from talking. maybe it's the milo, maybe not. however, i still plan to go to the cafeteria later and buy me a tall glass of milo slush.

the major reason why i can't don't give up

good looking people always get away with things.

i've got to agree.

major irritation, hatred, and frustration notwithstanding, how can you resist a guy who looks like this?

personally, i can't.

and when he tells you he loves you and is willing to work things out, all your resolve flies out of the air and your knees turn to jelly.

*sigh*

the princess resolution

i've always been a cowboy.

and i've always thought it was a good thing. after all, i didn't have parents who can afford to give me the life of a princess.

and it never hurt to be one of the boys sometimes.

until last night. until i realized that as a result of my being a girlfriend who never demanded much, i had a boyfriend who never gave much either.

he's hot. he's amazing. he's sweet and caring.

but he's a prince, and sometimes that scares me. cause that means he's used to princesses.

he's used to girls who demand, girls who can't figure out how to go to makati without their drivers and yayas in tow. he's used to girls who smell sweet and nice, and girls who can peel off shrimp with their knives and forks.

he's not used to me.

he's not used to a girl who'd do things her own way if no one else will do it for her.

he's not used to the girl who'd commute alone at 2 a.m. because it's dumb to ask someone to pick her up at that god awful time.

he's not used to the girl who'd fix her license and car registration by herself.

things are really tough now.

and sometimes, i find myself unhappy with this person who used to make me smile all the time.

i'm no princess.

and i don't know if i'm cut out to be one.

i love valentine's day.

i love the sweet smell of roses. i love the prospect of dates. i love the fact that everyone is entitled to be cheesy. i love the fact that no matter how much everyone tries not to, everyone ends up wearing red.

what i don't love, however, is the pressure of valentine's day.

will he, or will he not give me flowers?

i'm in 5th year law school.

5th year law school means office of legal aid duties as practicum for an entire year.

office of legal aid as practicum means appearing in court sometimes in behalf of indigent clients.

last semester, i had to appear in behalf of a lady who wanted her marriage annulled. i had to do her direct examination, her formal offer of evidence, cite the other lawyer for contempt, and appear in her behalf during conciliation meetings regarding custody of her children.

today my phone rang. a sun number. most likely a student, i thought.

it wasn't. it was her, my former client. the decision came out.

she's officially single. it's as if she never got married at all. she can go out tonight, hook up with a guy, and decide to get married again.

legally.

thanks to me (and the other law interns who handled her case too but since it's my blog i can talk all about me all i want. selfish.)

my first win.

future atty. rosa's win-loss record? 1-0.

he he.

last week was a bad week. a terrible week. a god-awful-i-don't-want-to-live-anymore-why-the-hell-did-i-even-begin-to-think-i'm-ok week.

to think the 3 midterms in a row wasn't even the major cause of it.

still, when the going gets tough, the tough begin thinking of something else.

put it this way: all the random nights i spent watching sound of music whenever it came on tv must have paid off - i simply remember my favorite things and then i don't feel so bad:

eat-all-you-can at kamay kainan; valentine's day; my 28th birthday; anticipation of the end of five years of law school; vacation; finally getting to write that resignation letter; possibility of working at gymboree while preparing for the bar; rockwell within walking distance of ateneo law; finally getting to wear THE shoes; decision to have my grad pics retaken; promise of laser hair removal for my legs as a graduation gift from my aunt; cello's donuts; being with the one you love; finally meeting people in law school; waking up early and being able to sneak hot water in your bath (it's technically not allowed but sniff!sniff! i've got a major cold); getting an early birthday gift cause some people believed your birthday is february 5; mornings with no school visits; learning not to care when it counts; fresh strawberries; a client offering you gas money and being able to refuse it; a box of selecta creations in rocky road in your freezer; unearthing pearls from an old friend and using them as a source of strength; trips to the grocery with your roommate; sweet kisses and hugs; encouraging text messages from people you least expect; new and old friendships.

this list can go on and on.

and honestly, who really cares about the bad stuff? midterms are over and there's nothing i can do about it anymore. the deadlines are there and screw me if i can't beat them, but i've only got my lazy ass to blame if i don't. i don't care what other people think, and i don't care what other people say. i've got it good, and i bet they know it too. and that's why they're pissed.

27 days to go, and i turn 28.

in the grand life plan i made way back when i was in college, i'd be married with a cute kid right now, about to take my masters in education. instead, i'm single instead of married, i have a jimny instead of a kid, and my masters in education was left hanging in the air (gawd don't you hate having to write and defend a thesis?) as i pursued my dream of becoming a lawyer.

i don't know if i got the good end of the deal. what i do know though is that i'd love to receive that bag on the left for my birthday.