your mom has probably taught you a lot of things, including, among other things, to be faithful to the man you love.

somehow, while i fall prey to the occasional crush here and there, i'm pretty good at monogamy, albeit serial monogamy.

what my mom failed to teach me though was to be faithful to my stylist.

and so while i've blogged about going to gilbert, i decided to see another stylist over the weekend to get my hair relaxed. it could've been the attraction of a new parlor, or it could've been the slight desperation of being single at 28. i could've blamed my brother who was willing to lend me money or the millions of people who have sashayed in front of me with their wonderfully straight hair. or i could blame me, and my impulsive nature to take it out on my hair.

three hours later, my hair was stiff, sad, and fried. i stiffed the parlor manager who even seemed proud of his word in spite of my alarmed cries that my hair was fried within an inch of its life.

in his hateful high-pitched voice, he kept saying, "ibabad mo lang yan sa conditioner." yeah right. i don't think all the cream silk in the world could do anything to my hair which breaks with each tug.

and so, with tail tucked between my legs, i went back to gilbert, my stylist. and while he was alarmed over what i did to my hair, he lovingly snipped here and there, made me promise to come back within a month so he can snip some of the parts which were way too close to the roots to cut, and sent me off with hope that someday, it'll all grow back again.

everywhere i turn in law school there's a fourth (or fifth in my block's case) year student with his or her head buried in some reviewer. people have been sharing bar review techniques and have been comparing reviewers. i see that you can now see my once-favorite labor teacher in three different venues all at the same time (malcolm theater, 4th floor library, and the AVR in the law center).

the bar fever has begun.

i, on the other hand, commercial law flunky and official stalker of barry (funny how that rhymes) have spent a whopping 21k on bar review (15k for ateneo and 6k for books and photocopies) but have not even begun to review, save for the perfunctory highlighting of the first couple of pages of each new book i've managed to buy. five minutes ago, i was staring at an empty page unable to write the memo which will condemn a very careless student into plagiarist's hell. i am likewise unable to force myself to begin reading for a class i will begin teaching next week. and, while the prospect of working with the medical action group somewhere in cubao sounds a wee bit exciting (if only cause it will bring me near cafe bola), my brain refuses to begin thinking about completing my summer class requirements even with barry's promise that i would have to exert more effort to flunk that subject than pass.

last night as i was exchanging SMS with a friend, he brought up how i should not have time to be lonely, sad, mad, angry, frustrated, or depressed because i should be gearing up for the bar examinations. tunnel vision, he said.

however, after five years of juggling work, MA, and law school, not to mention occasional boyfriends on the side, i've apparently lost steam. imagine being five kilometers away from your destination and being unable to make it there. that's how i feel.

partly lost. partly like the way i felt when i was five and i was in cash and carry and i couldn't find my mommy.

maybe later i'll unload my car and finally begin with tax. or labor. or remedial law.

it doesn't matter.

i do know though that it's time to stop feeling bad for the million and one bad things that have happened to me and begin doing something about it.

but first, as my now-missing-but-formerly-every-single-day-text-mate has told me in the past, it all begins with a side trip to the parlor.

gilbert (my amazingly cute stylist from bench fix-podium), here i come.

so i've been busy...

... with dan brown's deception point. i think i'm the one who's been duped into reading what i think was a semi-lousy novel.

... with staring at my crush every single afternoon while being continuously enthralled with his brains.

... enjoying how it feels to be a full-time student with three-hour lunch breaks and tambay time after classes while eating cheap spaghetti.

... dealing with grades and errant students and what nots.

... figuring out how to deal with a three week internship AND teaching a new class i haven't really figured out yeat AND bar review starting may 2.

... trying to forget about a graduation i should be attending this sunday and a recognition ceremony this coming tuesday had i not totally bombed commercial law review *sigh*

hence, no entries for almost a week.

i wish it were something more exciting, like an out-of-town trip, or something tragic, like my internet connection at work being cut-off by someone who used to like me but i didn't like back. unfortunately, it was just a series of random events that had nothing to do with excitement.

none at all.

i'm now officially boring.

except that last monday, a classmate *waves at toni!!!* turned to me and asked, "are you the rosa who writes cardriver?"

famous? maybe not.

but i don't think i can deny this blog any longer.

in light of what had happened, everyone - friends and acquaintances, including boyfriend of classmates, and future boyfriends of aunts - have all said their version of "it's going to be okay"

but you realize, sh*t, no it's not going to be okay and if this happened to you, you'd be mad too.

until you enroll for an elective and you realize one of the two teachers happens to be your biggest crush since undergrad when you first heard him speak during the USC campaign and you finally agree...

yes, it's going to be okay.
yes, there's a purpose to it all.

i now imagine us on our wedding day, facing our family and friends, smiling happily. and when asked, "how did you meet?", my story will beging with the line, "it all began when i failed commercial law review..."

But Mousie, thou art no thy lane
In proving foresight may be vain
The best-laid schemes o' mice an’ men
Gang aft agley
An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain
For promis'd joy!

-To a Mouse by Robert Burns

after i have lobbied, consistently i may add, for a toga graduation;
after i have planned an entire summer of studying for the bar, attending all the ateneo review courses and all that;
after i have planned saying goodbye to law school and the dorm and my beloved wilma;

i realized...

things often don't go the way we planned them to be.

yesterday, i didn't only have to deal with the pope's death, i also had to deal with a very bad hangover, stuffing five year's worth of law school in a tiny jimny, and what would have been our first year anniversary.

in the beginning i told myself, phooey.

hangovers will pass.
the jimny has handled moving out of the dorm with grace in the past.
and anniversaries? well... that was the problem.

see, it's been a while since i celebrated an anniversary. and until the major fights began, i've always thought that we'd make it to an anniversary. but then things changed and there was finals to deal with so i was cool, for a while.

until yesterday. until yesterday at noon when i was still nursing a nasty hangover sitting inside a hot car, waiting for a friend, and he called.

to ask me out.

and while i didn't expect it to push through, cause he wasn't so sure of the schedule anyway, he finally passed by my house a little past seven. he took me to gloria maris for dinner and he smiled a whole lot and he ordered a whole lotta food, including sweet and sour for me, and he tried to make dinner as special as possible.

he took me home soon after that, and it was awkward saying goodnight to an ex who was so nice to you on what would have been your anniversary. do i offer him my cheek? do i lean over and hug? do i just wave and say thank you and never look back?

in the end, he gave me a hug and kissed me on the cheek. he said goodnight and waited until i made it all the way inside the house. he called after i texted him "thank you" for the dinner we had and also thanked me for making time for him.

it wasn't the anniversary dinner i expected and unlike last year, there were no fireworks and flowers and beautiful music. but somehow, it makes me a bit hopeful that what the future holds for us will be better, and brighter, probably less passionate as our beginning, but with more maturity, the kind that only a separation can bring.

now, if only i could find out whether god has answered my commercial law prayers or not.