Monday, October 18, 2004

that's it. the semester ended for me.

no drunken party, because i skipped out on the block party last saturday.

only me, and a really stuffed jimny full of boxes making my way home on a saturday evening. i arrived home to an empty house and opened my room to see a bed full of pasalubongs - some from my aunt, some from my dad, and some from my lola. i sniffed the intoxicating "imported" smell as i tried on my new shoes and and my new clothes. i then switched to pajamas and settled in bed, while still wearing my new pink shoes.

fyi - they're not pointy.

i thought i'd be more ecstatic, it being the end of the semester and all, but after sending out a couple of messages chanting "woohoo", it felt weird and empty.

maybe i'm just afraid of how things will be when school ends. because school ending does not only mean the end of a five-year dream in the making, sleepless nights, and tension over grades, it also means the end of a comfort zone. it means resigning from my job to prepare for the bar. it means leaving the dorm, and yes, leaving wilma and her antics. it means facing the question my dad, ex-boyfriend, and basically everyone has been asking me all this time:

what will you do after the bar?

until now, the answer is, i don't know.

what do i want (which is a totally different thing altogether)?

i want to travel. i want to be able to finally see the US and see snow fall from the sky. i want to be able to see what autumn is like in real life and wear knee high boots without looking stupid. i want to have the natural flush that comes from it being too cold. i want to try their roller coasters. i want to visit an outlet store and try on jimmy choo shoes in a boutique.

i want to rest. i want to stay in bed and sleep until i can't sleep anymore. i want to watch a movie without feeling guilty over the fact that i should be studying instead of watching some dumb movie.

i want to enjoy life. i want a stree-free existence. i want to bathe in the rain. i want to wax my car instead of bringing it to those carwash places. i want to sit in greenbelt and watch the kids pass by and think "thank god i'm not their age anymore."

don't we all want those (or some permutation thereof)? but then at the end of it all, our desire to live the great dream means the moment we are set free from one responsibility, we strap some new one to our backs. maybe it's the desire to continuously grow. or maybe it's just human nature. we never sit back to enjoy our triumphs. we jump from one challenge to the next, as if the moment we finally get done with one thing, we're longing for the next challenge.

so i guess i better catch myself. while my entire family is asking me what i'll do after law school, i'll sit in my little corner and wait.

i'll probably learn how to drink beer, from the bottle no less.
i'd teach all my girl friends how to change a flat tire.
i'd reorganize my books, my closet, and my shoes.
i'll learn how to cook sans rival and kare-kare for patrick.
i'll take another boat trip somewhere, alone, and be the helpless kid on board once more.

and at the end of that, i'd probably know what to do. and when i find out, don't worry, i'll tell you.

*a friend thought - after reading this post - that i'm done with law school for good. nope. i still have a sem to go. but it's just a sem, compared to the ten semesters i had to plod through at the beginning of it all, hence the tension. the end END of law school deserves a more ecstatic post.

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