my roommate's one of those rare people who did not only NOT read lord of the rings as a child, but didn't watch the last two movies either. usually, people i meet have read it and watched the movie, or did it the other way around, or loved it so much they didn't want to tarnish their mental images with the movie. i'm thinking if you've been in manila for the last two years, the hype would've been enough to pique your interest.

apparently, not my roommate. she's skipped out on the last two movies, i don't know if she has any intention of watching the third, but has somehow managed to plod through the first two, and is now halfway, through the third in the LOTR series.

semestral breaks and being alone in a UP dorm room could do that to you.

but i digress. last week, while she was reading the second book and while i was struggling to stay awake while reading administrative law cases, she faced me and began asking a barrage of questions.

W: rosa, hindi pa kaya sila mabaho?
R: bakit mo naman nasabi?
W: eh diba dito sa book two mga ilang taon na ang nakakaraan simula nung umalis sila?
R: wala pa naman yata.
W: feeling ko mabaho na sila. kasi wala namang sinabi dito na naliligo sila or nagpapalit ng damit.
R: baka naman parang sa sine yan. diba sa sine di na nila pinapakita na naliligo yung mga tao o nagbibihis? parang dapat i-assume mo na lang dahil too much information na yon, di naman kailangan ilagay pa.
W: hindi. sa sine may bahay sila so may pagkukunan sila nang damit. eh mukha naman sa description ni tolkien, maliliit lang ang dala nilang bag. so wala rin silang dalang damit.

i don't know which was sadder. her having to ask me those questions or me actually having a long drawn-out conversation with her on the bathing habits of the LOTR characters.

i've got more shoes than i care to wear.

it doesn't help that i'm addicted to them.
or that stores are always having sales.
or that i invent special occassions so i can buy shoes.
or that i actually work hard at convincing myself that i absolutely need another pair.

within one pay period i actually bought three pairs. and each pair has its own story that would convince you, diehard critic of my spending habits, that they were absolutely necessary.

the first pair were nike cross trainers to fuel my dreams of becoming as delicious as aubrey miles.

the second pair, bought a week and a day later, were a pair of cream strappy sandals with 2 1/2" heels to replace the pair i was wearing. sandal straps breaking in the middle of a date is so worth a post, i know, and i did post, except that blogger decided not to upload it for reasons of its own.

three days later, and a fun holiday right smack in the middle of the work week, found me inside the mall -- again -- with no plans of buying shoes at all. all i wanted was lunch, shampoo, and a bar of soap. but then there was this nice pair of black sandals -- with heels to make the boy happy -- which were being sold for 50% off its regular price. then i remembered last saturday's experience where i had to do a talk in a pre-school and all the shoes i had with me were either boots, work-day pumps, cross trainers, cool rubbershoes for jeans or weekend sandals. *gasp* i had nothing NOTHING at all for a weekend pre-school talk for parents. i had to have black sandals with heels. i needed them, i remembered thinking that day, if only to come off as a more credible speaker. so it clearly was imperative that i buy this pair.

i know i'm being totally ditzy here, and materialistic at that.

wait until i get started on this bag i've been crushing on.

i know the closest i'll get to having turkey today would be me eating chicken and pretending it's a much bigger bird, but then it shouldn't really matter.

it's thanksgiving, and there's so much to be thankful about.

i'm thankful that 13th month pay came way earlier than expected, together with the end-of-the-month paycheck and so i got to blow money on stuff that i couldn't afford in the first place. call it my christmas gift to myself. a WAY too early christmas gift that i don't really deserve, being the lazy thesis writer that i am. the only reason why i went to the mall was to get shampoo and soap and i came out with this and yet another pair of sandals.

i'm thankful that my mom got the job she wanted and is generally happier than usual. i've been a very evil kid for not writing to her. i guess i'm stressed with being the adult all the time, telling her to cool down and calm down and just enjoy life.

i'm thankful that i got to FINALLY run walk the academic oval last night. i've been meaning to get some sort of exercise done (together with wearing weekend shoes which give me some height, this is one of the major requests of the boyfriend) and i've been eyeing the oval as something cheap and manageable. i used to run it like crazy in second year college when i was forced to take running for PE but although i've been back in UP since 2000, i haven't set my rubbershoes-clad feet on them. that all changed last night. i dropped off my shopping bags in the dorm, changed into shorts and running shoes, and went out into the cold air before i could change my mind.

i'm thankful that i got a second chance on a lot of things -- my thesis, my love life, my driving, my friendships. tuesday night saw me bonding with a couple of people i haven't gone out with for a while. spike's also finally fixed (save for a small scratch on the bumper which will have to be taken cared of by GM Autoworld). the new thesis adviser is way better than the other one and i'd like to think we're making a lot of progress already. and of course, in spite of the many mistakes that are listed in my relationship diary, i guess i've found the one this time around.

-oOo-

i am NOT thankful though that FPJ is running.

-oOo-

happy birthday specpro classmate. one day too early!

i know it's around this time of the year -- i got reminded cause of the news that it's ninoy's birthday today.

thanks for always being around.

thanks for being there for my first recitation in labor one which i screwed up terrible cause i didn't read the case simply because it was in spanish (and it was, save for a few paragraphs which i should have read, screw it). thanks for spending my birthday eve with me once when i was feeling really bummed over the fact that i was turning 25 in a couple of hours and i was alone. thanks for all the wonderful conversations we used to have over the phone during vacation. and you might find this weird, but the highlight of the conversation would always have to be me hearing you say palihog over the phone.

i can't imagine how law school would be after you graduate this march.

happy birthday, and based on your friendster profile, i guess you got back together with her again. happy, isn't it.

all the best, my dear beloved specpro classmate.

the honey bunny looks good in a barong

after much scheduling difficulties, cajoling, and several text messages sent with a pout that he hopefully felt when he received abovementioned SMS, jay finally agreed to go to the wedding with me.

of course the moment i found out that he'd be there too, i started panicking.

what to wear? (black strapless dress gasp! i know, a black dress to a weddng. or is it more gasp, rosa in a strapless dress? horror of horrors! with a sheer silk baby pink and yellow shawl, black heeled sandals with a baby pink back, and a pyramid-shaped pink bag) it's so hard to describe everything i'm so wishing i just had a digital camera!

what about going to the parlor to have hair/make-up/nails done?(nails, yes. hair and make-up, no, and it was a good thing since otherwise i'd be too overdone for just a guest).

hair up or down?(up)

it was quite funny how i tried to put everything together the week leading up to the wedding. by wednesday, i was quite tense, so tense that i hardly had time to panic over the fact that i was going to address a room full of parents on "negative behaviors and how to eliminate them in your children". by friday, i couldn't sleep and i couldn't eat, save for a bowl of instant lucky me noodles that i ate simply because my tummy was too noisy it was impossible to sleep.

needless to say, wedding went by with no problem. jay arrived looking oh-so-kissable-and-huggable and i tried (my very best, mind you) to be poised and confident and to act as if i wear a strapless dress every single day of my life so there's absolutely nothing to worry about.

dreamboat

i never saw the need for the word "dreamboat" until i met my nego teacher* last night.

where had he been all my life? okay, that's too much. where had he been all my law life? i'm in fourth year, second semester and they decide to assign him to our section only NOW?

the world is sooooo unfair.

still. when asked why i went to law school, the usual hi-hello-mynameis follow-up during the first day of class, i so wanted to say "to meet someone like you" but he might have slapped me with a harrassment suit right there and then.

still. he's the man. walking back to the dorm, i had visions of me in a white gown and him in a barong at the other end of a chapel. i had visions of us having our first child, then our second, then us on a second honeymoon walking hand-in-hand somewhere cold with snow.

i was almost ready to burst into song, a totally jologs mr. dreamboy, when a classmate who was walking with me gave me a dose of reality.

singing, with my lack of talent would be totally overshare. and i have a boyfriend, a boyfriend i had told everyone i loved dearly. most of all, the person who missed call his phone half an hour before class was supposed to end which prompted him to dismiss our class WAY too early (i still was legally entitled to half an hour with you, you crazy teacher you! give me what i paid for!!!) was probably a girlfriend... a girlfriend who had a sixth sense and probably felt that a senior law student was currently developing a major crush on her hotter-than-hot boyfriend.

nego was a totally boring subject. nego didn't even seem remotely interesting. nego was one of those commercial law subjects with a good dose of civil law smacked into it that one would absolutely hate. nego was everything that i probably don't like in law school, until last night.**

now, nego rocks. no wonder that girl from 3B sat in on our class and plans to sit in for the rest of the semester. i would too if the teacher were him.

*standing, fourth from left. disclaimer: he looks hotter in real life

**incidentally, if you think about it, this was a good move by the college secretary's office... probably the ranking of UP law in commercial law was slumping and they needed something to "beef up" the curriculum.

redefend

it's what i've been praying NOT to happen but it did.

i'd have to redefend. shucks.

but it's not all bad. at least the idol said it was better than the last one they asked to redefend.

*sigh*

no rubbershoes

i found out saturday evening that the boyfriend had rescheduled his bangkok trip, and wonder of wonders, was going to be in manila on sunday.

i also found out saturday night that we had a badminton game with his friends.

whoa. me, in a recreational sport. right after i had thrown away my only decent pair of rubber shoes, a pair which i bought way back in second year college and only because the only PE left was running.

trust me to have more than more than enough pairs of black shoes: black with kitten heels, black with ebony trim and kitten heels, black mules, black with stiletto heels, black slingback pumps, and black loafers. trust me to have pink shoes and red shoes and camel shoes. trust me to have more than one pair of bowling shoes and a cool pair of roxy suede rubbershoes which match my car. i have more pairs than i actually care to wear.

but no decent pair of rubbershoes.

so i once more dipped into the savings account -- after all what are savings for? -- to buy the perfect pair of shoes. i had been thinking of getting a pair for the longest time, supposedly to kick-start my fitness regimen by running the academic oval , except that they keep getting shelved all the time. saturday evening found me with an iron-clad resolve to buy rubber shoes.

i did buy a pair. and yep, i liked them. they weren't pink climacools (funny how jen wanted them too!) but they were cool.

they were so cool i was running all over the badminton court last night while dripping in my own sweat. they were so cool i slid on them and landed on my ass.

show-off.

-oOo-

first there was friendster.

now it's pam's blog. apparently it contains a forbidden word and therefore i cannot access it using the office internet connection.

weird. delisyus' blog, with all its graphic description befitting an fhm issue, was never blocked but pam's was.

could it have been the inner b*tch?

-oOo-

if i didn't love the boyfriend as much as i do, i'd make a mockery of the thousand and one rules he's come up with in the month and a half we've been together.

yesterday it was about the length of the shorts i'm supposed to wear.

aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgh.

-oOo-

you're mad at me.

you're mad at me cause i didn't want to talk to you. you're mad cause i chose bomber man over conversations which, undoubtedly, would keep going back to your advances which, in spite of my numerous attempts, i cannot deftly avoid.

i've tried apologizing and explaining. i've tried telling you how things seemed from my end and how, at that time, i was more hurt than anything by what you did. you, on the other hand, kept insisting how things were different and not at all how i saw them.

it's like i'm at fault for having moved on first.

but see, there was nothing that was keeping me there to begin with. YOU let go. YOU wanted space and time and all that crap while i stood still and waited. it had to be on YOUR terms - your timing, your feelings, you getting over your ex and all your other issues.

you could have said something then.

except you choose to say something now. you and your stupid propositions.

you're too scared to be happy. when things were good, you didn't want it. you wanted to make things complicated by wrestling with all of your demons when you didn't have to.

i'm sorry. what i have now may not be perfect.

but he loves me. which is way more than what i can say about you.

it's the weekend and the boyfriend is missing

i don't really resent the fact that he lives in far off nueva ecija.

i don't even resent the fact that he's perpetually busy with his work and family-related stuff.

but yesterday i did resent the fact that i couldn't even get him to figure out this weekend's schedule. and next week's schedule for that matter.

i resented it so much that i devolved into my former bratty girlfriend persona and attempted to break up with him with a stupid text that read "parati na lang tayo away, hiwalay na tayo."

it was so stupid i immediately sent a retraction, which made it all the more stupid, cause well, i retracted.

we made up three or so hours later, with him -- again -- logically laying out before me why it was so immature of me to have reacted that way. one of these days, either he's going to give up on me or i'm going to go nuts with his logical nature. until then, we're happy together.

i wish i could post something witty, or interesting, or even something that'll remotely stir your heart and make you cry a bit.

i was thinking of making a list of 35 things you should be happy about now that you're 35, but i couldn't get past #1.

i planned on surprising you by being outside your doorstep at midnight with burgers and fries and what have you, but i fell asleep and woke up at three.

so come on, get out of bed, take a quick bath, hop into a cab, and tell the driver, manong ***** drive po, and allow me to treat you to breakfast.

maybe then i can say something witty, and interesting, and something that will tug at your heart. and i can give you the list of 35 things you ought to be happy about now that you're 35. and although i wasn't able to show up at your doorstep, you can show up in mine.

happy birthday, dude.

the resolution triumphs over the promise of a free dinner

congratulate me.

i was beyond bummed yesterday because of the locgov grade issue so i made a promise to myself that this coming semester, no shortcuts, no middle of the week gimmick, no impromptu dates just cause i was feeling bad over some tiny insignificant thing that will solve itself if i just leave it be.

but then a good friend SMSd.

dinner, he said. free dinner cause it's his birthday treat.

it was so tempting i stayed in the office playing inane games waiting for him to get done with his thing.

it was a good thing i got (1) tired and (2) tired of waiting and (3) bored with funster that i decided to go home.

go home, get ready for bed, and stay snug right under what has become a major addiction -- baguio faux fleece blankets.

i was in bed by 930, not to stir until 530 the following morning. 8 hours of glorious sleep.

i'm storing up on as much sleep as i can. i know that dean magi + carlotta + three other courses that may be equally tough + veevee & rey leaving = major second semester stress.

-oOo-

it's weird how lunchtimes are really productive for us.

over lunch, vanessa and i came up with the idea of a whole lot of projects.

project one was a christmas tree donation project. people who have more than one christmas tree or those who have decided to change their christmas decorations at home donate their old stuff to public schools so that the schools look more festive for the season.

project two was a pledge-your-schoolbag-to-a-public-school-kid project. at the start of the schoolyear, children from private schools sign a sheet of paper pledging their brand-new schoolbag to a child in the public school. this pledge includes not only the promise to donate the bag at the end of the year, but also the promise to take care of the bag and make sure that it is still usable by another child. thus, they don't only learn to share, but also to be better stewards of their belongings.

wow, huh? rosa, the community worker.

i even have visions of having a rice distribution thing going but then that's a whole lot of logistics, stuff which without vanessa, i would die doing.

how to ruin what would've been a perfectly good grade
well i have really low standards

i would've been fine with a three in locgov. it was, after all, dan-gat. the goal was to get an above 2 recitation grade and expect to fail in the finals to get through with a 3.0 final grade.

a three would've been dandy.
a three would've let me breathe and happily donate an entire box of locgov readings -- arranged according to the outline and properly numbered, of course -- to some hapless junior taking up locgov this semester.
a three would've had me texting people and telling them that, hey there, i got a three in locgov and all is well with the world.

that is until someone i haven't spoken to in a while decided to, no not text, but CALL and tell me, "hey rosa. do you know locgov grades are out?"

"yeah"

"well, row-saa (that's how he pronounces my name), i got a pretty high grade."

mumbles, "ok"

"and see," he continues, "my standing before the exam was 2.5 so i was totally expecting to scrape by with a three but i got a pretty high grade."

which sent me calling the secretary's office to find out what my grade was.

it wasn't a 3, thank god, nor was it anything below it.

it was a 2.75.

i wouldn't call that a high grade. but i guess i would've happy with that had i found out before the call.

except i got HIS call.

which makes a 2.75 stupid.

and pathetic.

and really, really sad.

so now i'm reduced to computing my equally pathetic average again. which in turn in giving me a big headache, among other things.

and i have dean magi yet AGAIN.

gawd. i doubt my average can take another beating. much less my ego.

i am such a pathetic law student. of course i can stroke my ego, pat myself on the back, and say to myself, "you were doing your thesis then," or "but you were also working full-time, plus doing school visits and tutorial chats" but i know that would by lying to myself.

i have bad time management. i put too much stock on my ability to work fast or read fast or even type fast. in the end, i'm not really fooling anyone. i'm fooling myself.

so maybe this time around i've really learned. shortcuts may get you there, but in the end, it still wasn't the road you should've travelled.

putting in a good word for jetti

i'm a big shell fan. i mean i never let the gas gauge go down beyond 1/4 simply because i do not want to get caught in a situation where i'd have to load up spike with something else. forget the fact that they claim petron is cleaner or that caltex is pretty much just like shell too. spike = shell.

still, when someone loads up your car with free gas unbeknownst to you, you just say thank you despite your fears that the new small gas stations which have been popping up like mushrooms (flying v, unioil, etc.) may not exactly be in the same bracket as the big 3 oil companies. it's like comparing a hotel with a drive-through motel. it just doesn't compare.

so last sunday, i dropped by the boyfriend's station to have the big dent on spike's bumper checked. he took the keys and told me that while i was waiting, maybe i could help out one of his employees with excel. ok, no problem. it was going to be a long wait anyway.

three and a half hours and five worksheets later, he told me that it was time to go and hear mass (isn't he a cutie for wanting to go to mass?). i knew he had spike cleaned - bodywash, underwash, and engine wash! - but the bigger surprise was when i got inside the car and turned the engine on.

full tank.

a full tank of gas.

a free full tank of gas.

i was very VERY thankful but there was that nagging voice inside me telling me that it was JETTI... hmmm...

except that the car has been running wonderfully since last sunday.

so there. let me put in a good word for jetti.

spike hearts jetti.

someone spoiled my good weekend by making a huge dent on spike's right front bumper. i was groggy from having fallen asleep while watching the matrix revolutions. jay and i were still planning on getting coffee but at my state, he gently suggested that it would be so much better if we both just went home.

apparently, the parking gods had something else planned for us. when we got to the car, the guards swarmed around us and pointed something that -- given the lack of adequate lighting and my very sleepy state -- wasn't very obvious.

spike had a huge dent on his bumper.

now, this was really ironic.

for one, i RARELY park rear first, except that he has been telling me how it shouldn't be a waterloo for me cause it's just really really easy to do. this was one of the few times i parked rear first.

second, we weren't really supposed to watch in town center, except that it was so damn hard to get tickets for saturday night's screening at any of the makati theaters so i just decided to watch in alabang.

third, it's usually jay who brings a car when we're together, except that since he picked me up from the house, he left his license with the guard over at the other gate. also, he had driven from nueva ecija just that morning, then around ongpin to run some errands, then through the saturday afternoon traffic just to get to my house so he asked if i could be the one to drive this time around.

fourth, when i parked, jay asked me to fix the car so that one, it wasn't sticking out, and two, i was nearer the parked car beside me than the empty space on my other side.

fifth, after we had dinner, i was thinking of moving the car to a different parking spot, one that would be nearer the theater right. but i quickly killed the idea cause it would just be a waste of good gas.

i'm just feeling really hateful about it. when i saw her, i was ready to grab a handful of her hair and shake her to bits. the parking lot was HUGE and there were so many parking slots available. if she didn't have what it takes to park a car properly, why did she even attempt to park her car? or, why did she even bring a car in the first place? she just had this huge goofy face, totally devoid of any -- what would be the proper word for it, remorse? -- over what she had done. she just kept saying sorry over and over and over but her sorry wouldn't fix the dent.

her sorry wouldn't bring back spike to his pristine condition.

her sorry can't give me a car to drive on the days when he'd be stuck in the casa.

her sorry can't bring back the time i'll be losing fixing this.

her sorry can't erase the worry lines the accident caused.

so she can shove her sorry down her nicotine-laced throat and she can use her sorry to cough up the money to fix my car.

-oOo-

i know i'm being an ass for thinking all of these nasty, evil thoughts, on a sunday at that, when other people who have lost more (like sons and husbands over crazy bullet spray) can be more forgiving.

the word "EB" sounds innocent enough, until i found out five minutes before my first EB that it actually stands for "eyeball". now, the word "eyeball" evokes memories of housemaids meeting up with their penpals from god knows where, and had i known earlier that EB stood for that, well, i may never have met pam, j, and jaemark at all.

but i didn't so i finally met three of my favorite bloggers in one go, and eventually, i met the now often-forwarded mark and crazy bundi and i became jen'sand chel's friend over at friendster. just the other day i also got to meet migs who knows quite a lot of people, including some i know (see, i don't even need friendster! we had our own little personal network going).

and tomorrow, november 8, 2003, saturday, i'll get to meet nic. yep, nic, the person i should've met in high school or somewhere in bf, but instead i met on-line through an old post where he saw it fit to tell me that the blog is still public and we ought to be very careful of what we say online.

as usual, i nearly didn't get to pick up the call -- the phone was on silent -- but luckily i did and this boy with a weird accent goes "moshi moshi" so who else could it be but oh-so-wonderful nic. he asks me if i was in front of a pc with internet connection (i was) then ordered me to go to check out his site.

which i did.

and it said he'll be here for the weekend.

i squealed (as loud as i can while still maintaining my "office poise").

so if he wakes up early enough, i owe him breakfast from goodah and if he doesn't, well then i owe him lunch somewhere in town.

-oOo-

vanessa's leaving.

what about lunch? what about our maxibon dates? what about super special siopao and v-cut and zip mango juice at 4 p.m.? what about me finding someone to go to mass with at 5:45 p.m. on sunday afternoon?

who's going to listen to me gripe/whine/cheer/cry/*insert emotion here*?

all i can say is "eek"

the powers that be at work have blocked off friendster from our network and so i've been basically cut-off from my recent addiction. it seems that everyone now has an account with friendster, or are being forced to have one, or pretending they don't have one but secretly they do and actually enjoy reading the testimonials and stuff they find there (potpot is that you?). friends, students, and people you hardly even talk to you have popped up like relatives after winning the lottery. they're all there. it's like one big reunion on line.

and i've been cut-off.

dang.

-oOo-

my craziest, zaniest, and probably most unusual tutee is back in the loop.

so why did i even begin to think second sem was going to be boring?

-oOo-

when you're willing to put up with a lot of rules, does it mean you've found the one?

when you're willing to give up your own little quirks to compromise, does it mean you're ready to be someone's partner?

when he's all you think about, especially when making decisions, does it mean you've matured insofar as love is concerned?

it's been a little more than a month. sometimes i think i've had more fights with him than i can put up with. sometimes i feel like cutting him off in the middle of a sentence just to tell him that he's been nothing but a meddling pompous prick and that i don't need him, thankyouverymuch.

but then that's what i've done with all the others. when things don't go my way, i quit. when he's not there for me, i quit. when he's always there for me, i quit. when i love him too much, i quit. when i don't love him as much as i ought to, i quit. it's a no-win situation.

rosa, the quitter.

so maybe now i ought to learn how to just stand still.