little ms. crammer cramming for the cram of her life

jay once told me that the saddest thing is when you lie to yourself.

he said that to me when i lied about my thesis.

and the sadder part is that i've been lying to myself about it ever since.

however, faced with the impending deadline of my life, a deadline which might change the course of my next year and a half, i decided to face all the little white lies i've been spreading around and got down to business. i buried myself under tons of books and papers and bonded with my three-and-a-half year old laptop like i had never before.

i typed and edited and cut and pasted and wrote and rewrote.

and i'm still not done. in fact, i may have to start from scratch again. the monsters i've created have become bigger than me, bigger than i can manage.

come monday, i might find out that i've failed everyone who believed in me, i've failed everyone who trusted me and my little white lies.

but i would've failed myself even more.

cause now i know for sure that jay was right. lying to yourself is the saddest thing in the world.

update!
it's half past eleven now and vanessa and i are camping out at work. so far, the guards have not kicked us out yet. i've got an easy writing rhythm going on here, and there's comfort hearing someone typing on the computer across me. we've stuffed ourselves silly with pizzas and squid balls before settling in for the long haul. there's k-lite over the internet and quick internet access. i hope the guards forget about us, i hope we get a lot of things done before we crash at around five this morning, and i hope this will be all good.