the end of an era

i met the pilot at the martian's birthday party in 2004.

at that time, i was dating this person, spike wasn't even a year old, and when the pilot mentioned that he was working for PAL, i mistakenly thought that he was a flight attendant. so sue me, he was that beautiful a specimen of a boy.

of course it didn't hurt that he drove a bmw. (a fact i discovered when i asked my brother if he could point out to me where in our village the pilot lived.)

in any case, he got my number and gave me his and we'd exchanged text messages every so often. for some reason, that semester, i had a lot of airline cases so i'd "innocently" text him something like, "hey, reading an airline case etc. etc." so he'd reply and we'd be texting until one of us had to go (him on a flight, me to sleep)

my best male bud died a day after my birthday. that weekend, i ended up hanging out with the pilot after i was too bummed over the fact that the person i was dating refused to go with me to my best bud's wake. and then the person i was dating ended up physically hurting me (that's a long, sad, icky part of my life that i refuse to think about up until now) so we broke up. a couple of days later, the pilot had to leave for vacation with his family in thailand (where his dad works) and all i had with me was the thought that maybe, just maybe, this beautiful specimen of a boy may one day fancy me.

we exchanged text messages. and i think there was a phone call thrown in. he came back the day of my PRIL exam. i can't remember how i managed to pass that subject, but i do remember how happy i was when the pilot handed me a wad of letters from the time he was in bangkok. old school love letters. that was new. and sweet. and kilig.

we got together on 3 april 2004. he went with me as my date to a good friend's wedding where i had to wear a horrid gown. after the wedding, i changed into a much nicer outfit and he took me to this place with a lovely view of the bay and asked me to be his girlfriend. it would've been stupid to say no, especially since he got the band to sing overjoyed, my favorite stevie wonder song.

everything was fabulous until february of the following year when for some reason, i couldn't count on him to be there. we broke up on easter sunday -- i remember he picked me and my brother up from the bus station and when we got home, we talked and he told me that he couldn't do it anymore. the week after would've been out first year anniversary; our anniversary would've been the same day that pope john paul II died (although it was still 2 april 2005 in rome) ... he took me out for dinner at gloria maris, gave me a tight hug, and brought me home.

the patrick i would meet over the intervening years was every bit the jerk everyone told me he was. he'd be fresh with me, demanding, weird, childish, impulsive. he'd want to come over and he'd steal my mint chocolates. he borrowed money from me -- money which should've gone towards my bar petition -- and never paid me back. he'd call me and ask me to draft letters for him, and he'd give my number to random people who'd call me for legal advice. i was incensed at this person who had the gall to think we'd be friends after he broke my heart.

we lost all contact eventually, and met up again one day when i spied him smoking at the corner of our street. he was every bit the good looking specimen of a boy i fell in love with, but he totally lost whatever charm he had. he was crass ... and he smoked a lot now. so not the boy i loved.

until one day, i had to text him to ask about his airline's free baggage allowance. and he replied and asked what flight i was taking so he could take it. all of a sudden, i was reminded of how it was when we were in our twenties and he'd attach "captain" to his name and "atty." to mine and it would be the representation of our dreams and future. he's now a captain, and i'm now a lawyer and sometimes i can't help but imagine what it would've been like had our paths not gone separate ways. wednesday night he dropped by and instead of his demanding, irritable, hateful self, he actually told me how he was resigning cause his only dream was to fly alongside his dad and that dream would be a reality soon. he also told me that he's already gotten his greencard and the plan was to eventually migrate to the US.

after he left, i realized it was so easy to hate him as an ex. it was so "normal" to put him down because he borrowed money and never paid me back. but wednesday night i saw a glimpse of the boy i fell in love with 7 years ago - the boy who wrote me cards and drove to UP when i was too tired to go home for the weekend; the boy who gave me spam so i'd never go hungry in the dorm, saved up bottles of coins for me so we could talk using the payphone at night (no unlicalls yet!), the boy who called me at work every morning to say how much he loved me. i don't exactly know why that boy turned into a monster in the intervening years, but the boy that visited me wednesday night, well, that was the boy who had my heart for 51 weeks (and probably a couple more of weeks after that, except i didn't have his anymore, haha!) and it's hateful that this time around, i can't even begin to hate him.

the old pat's back ... and he's leaving for good.

♪♫♪what becomes of the broken-hearted ♫♪♪

pat the pilot and i broke up in 2005, a week shy of what would've been our first year anniversary. needless to say, it was a painful break-up, so while i should've been rejoiced over the fact that i was finally done and over with law school, i was too busy getting over the most gwapo, most ma-porma, winning-est (at least in the looks + car department) boy i've ever called mine.

it took almost forever to get over him, and when i finally did, i dated here and there, entered into one faux commitment after another that i didn't really want to count (out of sheer embarrassment, most likely, hahaha!) but i've never had a "real" relationship, at least, not as far as i was concerned. in any case, and for the record, let's say i'm finally over him.

over the years, he'd call sporadically -- call my landline when he'd need a favor, or just needed someone to talk to, or if he wanted to come over for whatever inane reason. and then when i had my landline cut, he'd call my sun phone, the only line i've kept since we've broken up. i'd see him here and there (one time, i even saw him at EDSA and i told my friends who were in the car with me and they were like, "i wanna see! i wanna see!" thank goodness for dark tint! ☺ not that i'd be embarrassed if they did see him. as i've said, he was hott!!! and gwapo. let us never forget the gwapo part.)

the last time he called was to ask for this favor. and if what i did to his friend was any indication of how i actually felt about him, well, it's clear that at least as of 9 September 2010, i was ready to wash my hands free of the cutest boy i've ever dated.

this year, i finally had the sun line cut. and along with that, i'm guessing i've cut off ties with at least three people i know of. or four. let's just say that i don't know their numbers and the only way they could contact me was through my sun phone and now that it's gone, there was no way they'd be able to get in touch with me unless they stood outside my house and waited for me to get home. then again, i've been known to ignore the doorbell, even when people come bearing gifts, so go figure, right? anyway, out of those four people, the pilot was one of them.

and then came today. i saw him smoking at our street corner. and he saw me looking so i waved. thank goodness for just-came-from-parlor hair + the fact that i was wearing a dress. i was READY. hahaha.

what i wasn't ready for was that he'd drive from the street corner to my house to catch me before i entered the house. and what i wasn't ready for was that he'd invite himself in. and since i clearly wasn't ready for anything, i actually pretended to be the gracious hostess and said, okay, come on in.

and i gave him some of my chocolates. and i offered him food. and i chit-chatted with him. ...

.... and i stared at the wonderfulness that used to be mine. my head was screaming "stupid!" but some addled part of my brain was ignoring the level-headed part and was enjoying the view. so tall! the five o'clock shadow! the smile!

he told me about his crazy schedule. and he told me about his "toys" (his worse than my brother when it comes to gameboys and psps and what-nots). and he explained why he now smokes. and while he was explaining to me how he got that long scar on his left arm, my still addled brain was thinking, "awwww, but you used to be so perfect!"

now, before you get any ideas, (1) i know i'm not going to get back together with him and that he's not entertaining any thoughts of the same nature either; (2) i know that he's an @$$hol3 extraordinaire; and (3) i am pining for some other boy.

but, there are exes you forget, there are exes you wish would fall off the ends of the earth and pass away, there are exes you end up friends with, there are exes you wish nothing but good for.

and there are exes like pat the pilot. *sigh* so wrong, so hateful, so clueless about his self-absorption, so not going to happen again, but just so frigging handsome.

the ex factor

sa (dati) kong mahal na ex-boyfriend,

oo, alam ko na gwapo ka. aaminin ko na sa aking mga ligaw na panaginip ay naiisip ko pa rin kung gaano ka-cute ang mga anak natin kung nagkatuluyan tayo.

at, oo, fabulous ka. feeling ko talaga prinsesa ako pag nakasakay ako sa napakagara mong auto and kapag ka-holding hands kita sa mall. mataas ka. maporma. agaw pansin. kaya't kahit na alam kong super cute ako (wag nang kumontra ☺☺☺) ay alam ko din na pag may nakakakita sa atin dati, iniisip nila ay, mahal ni God si sister. wagi.

yes, wagi ako. at kahit na inutangan mo ako at hindi mo na ako binayaran muli (kainis, pangbayad yun nung bar petition ko) at kahit na medyo certified na from a psychologist na hindi kita dapat i-consider muli, minsan naiisip ko pa din na it doesn't get any better than the time we spent together. ay, bitter-bitteran po. pero, keber. kahit na ano sabihin ng iba, medyo mahirap ka palitan. at kung magiging totoo ako sa sarili ko, kahit na limang taon na mula nung naghiwalay tayo ay hindi pa rin kita napapalitan. yung mga ni-date ko ... hay, hindi sila counted.

pero, ipasangtabi mo lahat ng mga sinulat ko ngayon. kasi isipin ko man ang lahat ng nasa-itaas, ay may nakakalimutan ka pa rin tuwing tatawagan mo ako out of the blue:

una, hindi mo na ako girlfriend.

pangalawa, hindi mo din ako abogado.

pangatlo, hindi tayo magkaibigan.

kaya, bawal ang favors, bawal ang free legal advice, at bawal pumunta sa bahay ko.

at kung kailangan mo ng abogado, may acceptance fee po ako at by the hour ang billing ko.

that said, my dear ex-boyfriend, yung tawag niyo po kaninang umaga ay P500 na po.

ang iyong nakaraan,

rosa