full steam ahead no more

there's a girl named lulette in my batch. she was the girl who could do everything. she was funny, cute, the valedictorian, and had a boyfriend. in high school.

i've always thought that i was the only one who believed that somehow, someway, i can top lulette, until in a conversation with a seatmate revealed to me that for the longest time, she too believed that the race to the top was only between her and lulette.

so, in everyone's life, i guess, there will be a time in your life when you believe you can do everything. and, for the most part, you could.

get into UP.
get into a course i love.
graduate with honors.
get a scholarship.
get a master's degree
get into UP law.

maybe reality kicks in after you hit 25. and when reality kicks in, you somewhat stop believing in yourself. you're not as cute anymore, or you're not as young anymore. all of a sudden things stop being simply amazing. and then you stop believing in superwoman you and start thinking that, hey, i'm only human. and you allow yourself little failures here and there and you let go.

no one ever told me that when you stop believing, you also stop doing.

i've stopped running full steam ahead. maybe it's cause i started thinking i was in way over my head. or maybe i just stopped believing in my own greatest product: me.

forget all the new year's resolutions which include me keeping my things neater or me cutting back on buying shoes.

it's time to once again believe in me.

and maybe when i start doing that i'd be the superwoman everyone -- for some reason -- believes i am.

update!
by some weird twist of fate, some good things happened:
(1) i've been figuring out how to get a whole lot of things done before 9 tonight like finish writing, go to class, go to the gym, go to the grocery to buy stuff, when a classmate emailed that class has been cancelled tonight.
(2) i emailed my mom to let her know how depressed i've been feeling, something i haven't done for the longest time, and she replied immediately, and being a mom, she made everything alright again.