stupid

sometimes you just wish you can take back SMS you sent without really thinking. sometimes you wish that you had just ignored that heady intoxication you got from being with someone almost every single day. sometimes you wish you could just settle for the one who could give you everything you want, and more.

* * *

vanessa, who probably ran out of good advice, just sang a couple of lines to me:

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

* * *

the martian has probably the biggest fan club: vanessa and rey love him. rosan puts in a good word about him every single day. my students ask about him all the time (not to mention say him and make small talk with him when he drops by the office). my cousins, who totally snubbed trills when i brought him over, felt that their US vacation was ruined when they overheard from my mom that mars and i had broken up. my favorite grand-aunt shells out money for boxes and boxes of pizza when we drop by her house. even people who read this have been asking when we'd get back together.

i don't know. last night i thought long and hard. he's as dependable as an mmda hiding along that illegal u-turn without a sign. i know exactly when he'd text (6:45 a.m. to tell me to be careful on my way to work, 4:45 p.m. to tell me to be careful going to UP, 10:00 p.m. to tell me to either study or get some rest). i know exactly where he is (tuesday basketball at valle verde, friday bowling, saturdays with my bro and their other friends) and how he feels about me (he'd just propose, he claimed, saying that fine, i may not be his gf right now but he knows what he wants and what he wants happens to be me). i know that although i've been a bitch and have been evil and can be totally unbearable he'd still love me. i know that all i have to do is text him and he'd come running. i know that he knows exactly what i want for saturday lunch (kfc, 2-pc. chicken, rice, coleslaw, rootbeer, if you must know). he knows that awful weekdays can be cured with friday's cajun chicken fingers, a bag of gummy worms, and rocky road ice cream.

so why not?

because i'm stupid. because i crave for things i cannot have. because i want good conversation above anything else. because the weekly dozen roses lose their charm after a month. because grammar -- even via SMS -- counts. because ...


ANYTHING LESS THAN MAD PASSIONATE LOVE IS A WASTE OF MY TIME.