it's been a little more than a month since the break-up. in the meantime, i've cut my hair, removed the blinds in my room and put up curtains, and enrolled in what would hopefully be my last subject in law school. i've reacquainted myself with cubao in the last couple of days (thanks to my ngo internship), developed a teeny-tiny crush over a boy who's three years my junior, and rode the rickety roller coaster in fiesta carnival.

and what do you know -- i'm still alive.

i remember how i just cried over and over last easter sunday, too broken up to think about law school, work, and anything related to responsibility. i remember taking the day off, lying through my teeth, saying i had fever or something just so i would not have to face everyone at work who saw how happy i was when pat and i got together. i remember all the embarrassing phone calls i made to pat, asking if we could get back together again. i remember dating someone who was so totally wrong, just so that i wouldn't be alone.

i remember wanting to die for a brief moment, but thank god that brief moment passed and i'm ok once more.

sometimes, when i hear my phone's message alert tone i pray it'll be pat's message i open. sometimes, when the phone rings i keep my fingers crossed that it'll be his voice i hear. and sometimes, god grants my wishes and it's him. more often than not though, it isn't. while my heart breaks every single time, i know that one day, i'll find love again.

right now, i'm seated on the edge of my bed, with the tv on, trying to finish an overdue task for my sideline. i did my laundry this morning and i'll be headed off to buy groceries this afternoon - as soon as i finish that task i was talking about. i had 8 hours of sleep and i hope to get a lot of sleep later - after getting my CSI fix that is. tomorrow, i'll head off to my ngo internship (we're having a potluck and i'm tasked to bring leche flan) and try to get as much work done.

maybe tomorrow i'll break down again when i feel how lonely it is to be alone. but you know what? the good thing about it is that i'll most probably not.