Nobody said it would be easy,
No one ever said it would be so hard.
-The Scientist, Coldplay

it's been a while since i was up at 6:30 a.m. whereas i used to be in the office by this time, something about being an unemployed bum makes me sleep until i hear my magtataho shout out.

while the alarm clock, free will, and mental conditioning have all prevented me from waking up at 6:30 as i had been planning the last couple of weeks, apparently a nightmare involving your ex-boyfriend's family will effectively wake you up this early. and, no, they didn't haunt me like ghosts nor did they drag me across the floor like some crazy telenovela. in the dream his parents had dinner with my family, apparently to discuss how my brother wanted to court his little sister and how it was ok with them. the nightmare part? well, they didn't even know i existed nor that he and i were together at all last year. and somehow, to drive the point home even more than ever, they should me a picture of him when he was highschool or something, just so i'd have an idea about how their son looks like.

two things.

first, the family issue has always been a big issue between us. save for his sister (who proceeded on ignoring me the entire time), i never met his family. while we managed to set up two of our friends together (and they're still going on strong to this day!), he has effectively managed to avoid introducing me to the people who meant the most to him.

second, for all my talk about forgetting him and not wanting to be with him anymore, i still love him. while micah was right in saying that the days between the ups and downs will get longer and longer, right now, i'm so low i'd probably date that guy who struck a conversation with me in the bus had he been less chatty when all i wanted to do was sleep.

when we were fighting so much i couldn't even remember the good times we had. i knew breaking up was going to be terrible. but it's been almost three months since. i never imagined it was going to be this difficult.