fear of death

not my death, but the death of a parent.

sometime at 1030 last night, i received an SMS from my mom informing me that one of my uncles has passed away. could we kindly make time to attend his wake please?

i quickly sent an SMS to the other side of the family and told them of his passing. my paternal grandmother and i might drop by tomorrow to pay our respects.

i don't feel bad for my uncle who passed away. he's lived a full life. he has been battling cancer for the last five or so years and last year decided, to hell with it, i will jet back and forth between the US and manila instead of spending my hard-earned money on chemotherapy. he has bought his family a home and cars, sent four children to college, and has passed on the "baton" of his accounting practice to his eldest daughter. i pray that his passing was peaceful.

i feel bad though for my cousins. three daughters, and no one will ever have the privilege of being walked down the aisle by their dad. one son, and he has yet to prove to his father that the family name will be carried on for generations. and what about christmas? will the ham taste the same if daddy wasn't there to cut thick slices for everyone? what about the gifts they've hidden under their beds as a surprise for their dad to open on christmas day? will they just keep it wrapped, never to be opened? their future kids will never feel the joy of being spoiled by their lolo, or to spend sleepy nights listening to a never ending story of juan tamad or "when i was young" guilt trips?

they say that the worse thing that can ever happen to a parent is to lose a child. but to lose a parent so soon, for a child, is equally tragic.