there was a time, not so long ago, where i, fascinated by the lack of traffic, the easy laid back life, and the general cheapness of everything, contemplated on moving my entire life to cabanatuan city. i'd take over one of my aunt's guest rooms, park spike in the garage, and set up practice in the city or somewhere, or probably work for the local government, or whatever. cabanatuan city, then, seemed like a perfect mix of semi-urban life (with the mall now boasting of a body shop) and rural living (egg caldo and halo-halo at the corner of my lola's street).

but then, i got into this crazy habit of going home every two weeks. this first weekend, immediately after the bar, was lovely. i hung out online, drove my aunt around, and visited this nice derma who got rid of the little warts i got on my cheeks.

the second trip home was equally lovely. my cousin and her kids were also on vacation, and i got to bond big time with my only female cousin. we had hot oil done, and a back massage. we drove around, had coffee and cake, and watched bad television such as pinoy big brother.

the third trip - this trip - made the entire "home in the province" dream lose its novelty. by this time, my cousin's other kid was also here and she had just given birth to a baby so i had to deal with one one-year old girl and two boys who kept follwing me around the house. when they left, relieved as i was, i had to deal with being polite to my aunt's boyfriend, who's nice to me all the time, but still isn't family. i camped out in the other bedroom and had to deal with imagined surot preventing me from sleeping soundly. i also had to deal with a parlor that was closed (i had been oh so looking forward to getting a body scrub) and an internet cafe that feels weird (dark curtains and moaning ghost sounds cause it's halloween).

so there. the tiangge here may be updated enough to have a faux louis vuitton happy cherries wallet and there may be a cafe with a pretty decent tiramisu. my aunt's house may be a shelter that i wouldn't mind living in. but as long as the internet cafe has flying surot, i think i'm going to stay a manila girl for some time more.

here i was thinking that i was oh-so-ready for the husband and kids kind of life, until i spent two weekends with my niece and nephews and by the second weekend, i was ready to lock myself in my aunt's room and not come out until twelve hours later.

wait, that was exactly what i did.

four chattering kids, two of which follow me like i'm the pied piper or something. yesterday, they wanted to go online when i was online, sing videoke when i was singing, and well, eat whatever it was that i was eating.

was i tempted to take in sleeping pills to make them sleep? hell yes. i'm an evil aunt i know.

anyway, the house is quiet once more. my only girl cousin (the mom of the four kids) was picked up by my uncle and aunt and other cousin. they're on their way back to laguna. the maids are busy cleaning up the house, throwing all the sheets and what not in the wash, and making sure that everything's back in order. once more, i'm the only guest (oh wait, my aunt's boyfriend is here too) here. i've one of the guest rooms all to myself, the pc and internet all to myself, and the food, yes the food all to myself.

including a galon of cheese and cashew ice cream.

apparently, i don't need a self-help book to help me get over my single status. nor do i need a posse of giggling girlfriends helping me look for the next good catch. i don't need retail therapy or a day at the spa or anything. all i need is two weekends with chattering, noisy, drooling, pooping, shouting, and crazy kids and i am so ready to face another year of being single.

give me another year to enjoy my shoes and bags, single life and dating, watching tv in peace and quiet. maybe when i hit 29, i can think about it again.

but for now, i can do away with the smelly pampers, thank you very much.

(although i do love my inaanak, iya, so much. thank goodnes she's beginning to bloom into this pretty, self-sufficient, and i-won't-take-shit-from-anyone kind of girl. exactly like her ninang.)

while there's a huge part of me that wants to ask satan to reserve a special place in hell for all my ex-boyfriends, there are times when you realize that not all ex-boyfriends are evil enough to deserve such fate.

some even deserve that special little corner in heaven for simply being your constant guardian angel, notwithstanding the fact that you broke their heart and was the bitch from hell the entire time you were together.

so, even if i know that the martian will never ever read this blog, a big shout out to him, and a big thank you with hugs and kisses, for sending that lovely SMS yesterday offering me an unlimited LRT pass when he found out that i've begun commuting to work. he may be married, and he may have a kid now, but i know deep in my heart that if i were to find myself in the driving rain with a smashed radiator, angry men in a pick-up, and quivering from a major car accident (like i did two and a half years ago), he'll still be the first person i'll call up because he's the most dependable person i know.

i know i never said it enough while we were together, and i know i didn't even do enough to make you feel it, you are the best. and thank you for continuing to be my guardian angel up to this day.

-oOo-

incidentally, one day my dad asked how i was and too lazy to type out the story of my life on ym, i gave him the link to my blog.

ok. so i may be one of the few people in the world who actually told her dad about her blog. i thought he'd read one entry, or two, or three at the most, but before i knew it, he tells me he's reading the entire of october and will be back to go through my archives.

there's a bit of fear at the pit of my stomach, fear that he may not like the daughter he left back home in manila, or that he may realize he knows so little of me. there's a fear that i said something that might incriminate me in the future, or said something that's going to send him packing, make him board a plane, and guard my sassy little ass till he believes i'm old enough to date.

but i don't care.

my dad paid me one of those rare compliments that means the world to me. he thinks i write well.

and on a hot october evening, fighting sleep and dreading having to wake up early the next day, a compliment like that will mean the whole world to you.

as if my yahoo problems weren't enough, today, my internet connection decided it didn't want to connect. burned with my god awful experience with go internet and just too damn lazy to buy another prepaid internet card, i said, screw the world, i'm going to just connect using pldt vibe.

which i did, for a week. it was fast, it was reliable, and i at least don't have to deal with how much i am actually spending online until the phone bill arrives. bahala na si batman (and my almost non-existent savings account).

except that tonight, at the end of a very long day wherein

1. i almost engaged in a catfight with a cashier in a laboratory along taft;
2. where i accomplished NOTHING at work except fill out yet another set of application forms, schedule a neuro exam at pgh, lead the rosary, and watch two episodes of sweet 18;
3. got major chismis from a former student who i love dearly; and
4. finally met up with sammie

my internet connection simply refused to connect.

the strong believer that i am of customer service number, i alternated between trying to connect to pldt vibe and calling their customer service number.

nothing. zilch. nada.

ooooh. v. v. irritating.

and v. v. frustrating. frustrating enough that i was ready to try all the possible letter/number combinations and figure out my brother's password so i can steal some of his internet time. frustrating enough that i called a friend and contemplated on begging for internet time, except that thank goodness she was asleep and she didn't pick up the phone.

i mean, it would have been embarrassing had she answered a ringing cellphone at 1130 in the evening, contemplating on what emergency i may be having, only to realize i was desperate to go online.

when reason prevailed, i realized that damn, i DO have a car which i had just loaded with gasoline and that i DO have money in my wallet, and there IS a 7-11 store 2.3 kms (do not argue with me, i checked using the tripmeter!) away from my house. what's a girl quite desperate to go online to do?

throw all caution to the wind (don't leave the house late, don't go there cause it's full of tambays and what nots, you're a girl you're supposed to stay at home after ten) and drive out, buy that damn internet card, and manage, after one and a half hours of sheer frustration, to finally go online.

and blog about how i had the toughest time going online.

keith, i blame you for this addiction. had it not been for my desire to read your posts again, some of which i read real quick cause i had to go to work already, i may not have been as desperate. if i were to to die real popular, please do my memoirs. your wicked wit will definitely capture the bitch in me.

there are things that not even finally finding the uber-fabulous pointy dalmatian print on pony hair flat shoes you've been wanting for the longest time can fix.

like how life is unfair. how you know you were the one who prayed so hard for your justice to get appointed to the court of appeals but simply because you were still in law school at that time and because several people became lawyers ahead of you, you know that you can only stay in her office up until you pass the bar. after you finally pass it, and when that lovely atty. is finally attached to your name, you'll be overqualified for the position, and even if you were willing to stay in the same position and earn a thousand less than what the lowest lawyer on her staff earns, you're not stupid enough to do that cause RATA is around 6k a month and you aren't rich enough to let go of that much money if only to stay with a justice you respect.

oooohhhh.

i wish i can be adult - or magnanimous - enough to say that it's just money and that job fulfillment can't hold a candle against a stuffed bank account but i am always sorely reminded of the fact that i am 28 years old and that the money in my bank account can't even buy me an authentic gucci bag. while i may have bought my own car, and while the car is in my name, i know that i haven't made car payments in months and that i still owe more than half on my car. i know that i have to make ends meet just to pay my insurance and my car registration and that if something were to happen to me right now, i won't be able to pay my hospital bils.

i need AND want the money.

i don't know what to do, except gripe on and on about how life is so unfair.

even if i were able to finally buy the shoes i love.

p.s. shout-out to farah and to you (i don't know if you want your name here)--- ooooh. i do love your blogs!

p.p.s. i also love the fact that you guys appreciate pointy shoes as much as i do and so this post - which begins and ends with my new pair of shoes - is dedicated to you.

p.p.s. farah - while i'd want to agree with you that round toe shoes do look stumpy, i am an equal opportunity shoe lover and so i have to admit that i also have stumpy shoes, and if i had my way, round toe ballet flats would never be taken out of the shoe market.